”Because I’m selfish.” Noah said sharply, heat and lightning behind each syllable. Because I’m stupid, worthless, wrong, vile, selfish selfish selfish selfish. It all swam beneath the surface but for the first time in their relationship, Noah closed himself off tightly from the attuned bond. An impenetrable steel wall closed around his heart with the echo of metal against metal, and his glacier eyes burned silver fire with the intensity of it all.
His ears burned with the heat of his emotions, one thing he was unable to hide even if he wanted to. He wanted to stuff it all down as the shame resurfaced and bubbled in his throat like molten magma. His blood roared in his ears and his jaw set. The tone of Deimos’ voice, of the warden looking at him like a father punishing a petulant child, raked against him and it took every ounce of effort not to erupt.
It wasn’t Deimos’ fault, of course.
It was all the black, churning, predatory beast of shame within him.
He had done wrong by the god he served, and even before he pledged his fealty to the God of Life, Noah had always wanted to do the right thing. It was what Olsons did. They did the right thing, then the next right thing, then the next right thing. His father and his father’s father, and his father’s father’s father, so on and so back in their history, Olsons were good.
Yet, Noah squandered that with his own selfishness.
He never wanted to leave Halo. When the ascended came in and he needed to flee to protect his people, when they lived in the wilds of King’s End, and when Vi sent him to Stormbreak, all he yearned for was the cold and formidable mountain range and the rolling, icy tundra. It was where he wanted to raise his children. It was where he wanted to grow old with his wife, watch the developments come and the once poor and destitute community rise to the bustling height of civilization…
”Because I thought that I could still help without giving up what I wanted.” Deimos’ second question was lost on him for a moment, but as the Forsaken looked back up at the warden’s hardened face with his own hardened stare, he sighed.
”I…don’t know.” He shook his head. ”No. I do know. I have…ideas.” Noah rolled his shoulders and sighed again, trying to push the tension in his body out through his breath. But hte magma still bubbled. ”Vi is everything good and right of this world. I want to show that to the people here. I thought of rebuilding the infirmary. Phoebe said there used to be a medical college here.” It was one idea, one he hadn’t fully formed, but Noah took it his notebook and opened it to the page he had scribbled ideas on.
His ears burned with the heat of his emotions, one thing he was unable to hide even if he wanted to. He wanted to stuff it all down as the shame resurfaced and bubbled in his throat like molten magma. His blood roared in his ears and his jaw set. The tone of Deimos’ voice, of the warden looking at him like a father punishing a petulant child, raked against him and it took every ounce of effort not to erupt.
It wasn’t Deimos’ fault, of course.
It was all the black, churning, predatory beast of shame within him.
He had done wrong by the god he served, and even before he pledged his fealty to the God of Life, Noah had always wanted to do the right thing. It was what Olsons did. They did the right thing, then the next right thing, then the next right thing. His father and his father’s father, and his father’s father’s father, so on and so back in their history, Olsons were good.
Yet, Noah squandered that with his own selfishness.
He never wanted to leave Halo. When the ascended came in and he needed to flee to protect his people, when they lived in the wilds of King’s End, and when Vi sent him to Stormbreak, all he yearned for was the cold and formidable mountain range and the rolling, icy tundra. It was where he wanted to raise his children. It was where he wanted to grow old with his wife, watch the developments come and the once poor and destitute community rise to the bustling height of civilization…
”Because I thought that I could still help without giving up what I wanted.” Deimos’ second question was lost on him for a moment, but as the Forsaken looked back up at the warden’s hardened face with his own hardened stare, he sighed.
”I…don’t know.” He shook his head. ”No. I do know. I have…ideas.” Noah rolled his shoulders and sighed again, trying to push the tension in his body out through his breath. But hte magma still bubbled. ”Vi is everything good and right of this world. I want to show that to the people here. I thought of rebuilding the infirmary. Phoebe said there used to be a medical college here.” It was one idea, one he hadn’t fully formed, but Noah took it his notebook and opened it to the page he had scribbled ideas on.
the forsaken
before we falter again wake to this night
