catching my death

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Let's all be honest: Sohalia was being more than a little dramatic. But let's also remember that she was all of nineteen years old, in the throes of her first heartbreak, and saddled with far more responsibility than anyone her age had any right to bear.

She couldn't say why this was worse than the actual breakup. Maybe it was the cruelty with which Jude had spoken to her, the way he'd laid all of her insecurities and flaws bare with a barbed tongue she hadn't known he possessed. Maybe she'd taken too much on faith, believed too deeply that they could just go back to the way things were before.

Maybe it had been unfair to ask that of him to begin with.

I think you're so desperate to be loved after Auden died that you'll take it from anyone who offers it.

Jude's voice echoed in the back of her mind, and she buried her face into her arms atop her knees as though they were branded on her forehead for anyone to see. Gods forbid that Anju see, that she know, that she agree.

Desperate to be loved.

Was that the kind of leader she was, too? Desperate for the external validation of her advisors, of her people? Did that mean that she was failing them as badly as she'd failed her best friend?

"No," she said before she could fully grasp what Anju had said, her head snapping up to meet the Captain's gaze with swollen, red eyes. "It's not - Stormbreak's not -" But she was spiraling now, struggling to hold onto Anju's words and their meaning. All she knew was that she was going to lose everything. Her best friend, her chosen family, her region - it was all slipping from her grasp like so many grains of sand.

She didn't want to lose Stormbreak. Not when there was still so much left to do. So much left that she could do.

Couldn't she?

She didn't realize she was hyperventilating until Tarak leaned against her thigh. His thoughts brushed against hers, his silent acceptance and encouragement enabling her to breathe. And for a few moments, it was all she could do to do just that, focusing on breathing in through her nose, out through her mouth, reaching one trembling hand to rest on her companion's brilliant blue plumage.

The girl tilted her head back, leaning it against the tree trunk she sat against, tears tracking down her cheeks as she stared at the canopy of the trees above.

"I don't want to lose Stormbreak, too," she whispered finally. "I just - want to be worthy of being its leader."

Desperate to be loved.

Desperate. Worthless.

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning