With every broken bone, I swear I lived
Even if we're both scared...
It was difficult to be gentle when you were hurting. She wondered if it was fear that darkened Harper's expression so suddenly. Or if it was pain - if she had said something wrong, something he didn't want to hear. That... would make two of them. And she really wished she could keep from flinching at the last part, and keep her expression even enough that it wouldn't show that his words cut as deep as they did. Maea didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to be hurt by him either.
Yet here they were. Aching and confused, and her emotions laid bare like a book for him to read in all their tumultuous sincerity. There was no hiding anything - not from him, who had always been able to see past her mask.
When Harper leaned back, Maea twisted in the cradle of his arms so she could better look at the man in front of her. Never for a moment did she considering withdrawing; if he didn't want to hold her anymore he would have to let go himself.
"It's okay," she replied quietly to the half finished apology. "You're not wrong." Wrapping the tail loosely around Harper's wrist, she fidgeted with the lacing on her boot. Searching for a way past the upset, whether it be straws or red threads - as long as it made sense. So long as it was gentle.
"I guess... that's a thing I would have to re-learn. Because last time someone promised me they would try, it didn't end well. In hindsight it probably wasn't more than a half-hearted thing he said so I would agree to sleep with him. The moment I made clear I wouldn't change my mind about wanting a monogamous relationship, he broke it off. Which would have been fine, if I had been hesitant about it - but I was clear from the start with what I needed. In the end it became a thing to blackmail and guilt me with; why would I not even try to let him flirt and fuck whoever, and how would I know I didn't like being with others if I didn't try?"
It was her turn to darken, eyes veering off along the stone foundation of the house. Still hurting, even after all these years. "I don't like the word 'try' anymore. It feels like a way to keep a backdoor open, and an excuse not to give it everything you've got.
"I really don't think you're the kind of person who would do that," she added, looking back at Harper - needing him to believe that, if nothing else - "but that's what my gut tells me to expect. And I... I really can't do something like this half-hearted. I can't be with someone 'just a bit.' Either it is, or it isnt, either I'm all in or... or I'm not. There's no 'trying' about it... at least not on my part."
Was it the wrong thing to say? Was she talking too much? Every word was as honest as she could make it but she had a persistent nagging feeling that it steered this coversation in the entirely wrong direction. Pushing the divide open wider, instead of building bridges. They really wanted the same thing - why was it so hard to find a middle ground to stand on? It was like they were approaching this from entirely different directions; by necessity something would have to give or it would result in a head on collision.
Gods, she didn't want to drive him away.
"I – " But no, that wasn't right. "What... how would you... want things to be?" The heart of what she wanted to know - even if she feared the answer enough to make her teeth clatter in her mouth. Dreaded the idea of once again being the one who said no, who couldn't be flexible, who, with her stupid needs and boring boundaries, would never be enough.
Even though she really wanted to be. It became clearer the more it seemed he was telling her no.
It was difficult to be gentle when you were hurting. She wondered if it was fear that darkened Harper's expression so suddenly. Or if it was pain - if she had said something wrong, something he didn't want to hear. That... would make two of them. And she really wished she could keep from flinching at the last part, and keep her expression even enough that it wouldn't show that his words cut as deep as they did. Maea didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to be hurt by him either.
Yet here they were. Aching and confused, and her emotions laid bare like a book for him to read in all their tumultuous sincerity. There was no hiding anything - not from him, who had always been able to see past her mask.
When Harper leaned back, Maea twisted in the cradle of his arms so she could better look at the man in front of her. Never for a moment did she considering withdrawing; if he didn't want to hold her anymore he would have to let go himself.
"It's okay," she replied quietly to the half finished apology. "You're not wrong." Wrapping the tail loosely around Harper's wrist, she fidgeted with the lacing on her boot. Searching for a way past the upset, whether it be straws or red threads - as long as it made sense. So long as it was gentle.
"I guess... that's a thing I would have to re-learn. Because last time someone promised me they would try, it didn't end well. In hindsight it probably wasn't more than a half-hearted thing he said so I would agree to sleep with him. The moment I made clear I wouldn't change my mind about wanting a monogamous relationship, he broke it off. Which would have been fine, if I had been hesitant about it - but I was clear from the start with what I needed. In the end it became a thing to blackmail and guilt me with; why would I not even try to let him flirt and fuck whoever, and how would I know I didn't like being with others if I didn't try?"
It was her turn to darken, eyes veering off along the stone foundation of the house. Still hurting, even after all these years. "I don't like the word 'try' anymore. It feels like a way to keep a backdoor open, and an excuse not to give it everything you've got.
"I really don't think you're the kind of person who would do that," she added, looking back at Harper - needing him to believe that, if nothing else - "but that's what my gut tells me to expect. And I... I really can't do something like this half-hearted. I can't be with someone 'just a bit.' Either it is, or it isnt, either I'm all in or... or I'm not. There's no 'trying' about it... at least not on my part."
Was it the wrong thing to say? Was she talking too much? Every word was as honest as she could make it but she had a persistent nagging feeling that it steered this coversation in the entirely wrong direction. Pushing the divide open wider, instead of building bridges. They really wanted the same thing - why was it so hard to find a middle ground to stand on? It was like they were approaching this from entirely different directions; by necessity something would have to give or it would result in a head on collision.
Gods, she didn't want to drive him away.
"I – " But no, that wasn't right. "What... how would you... want things to be?" The heart of what she wanted to know - even if she feared the answer enough to make her teeth clatter in her mouth. Dreaded the idea of once again being the one who said no, who couldn't be flexible, who, with her stupid needs and boring boundaries, would never be enough.
Even though she really wanted to be. It became clearer the more it seemed he was telling her no.
maea
