Hear those bells ring deep in the soul
Chiming away for a moment
Chiming away for a moment
What does Anju think? "I'd like to know that, myself," Koa mutters darkly, picking with greater purpose at the hem of his shorts. "I haven't spoken to her since... since I got yeeted. And when I heard from Lena that she'd stayed on Dahlia's cabinet, well..." He'd felt betrayed, confused, bewildered by the choice. Lena hadn't seemed to know where Anju's loyalties lied, but the simple truth is that Koa was terrified to find out. Because of Anju - his Captain, his auntie, the woman who had stepped in to fill his mother's shoes - if Anju has turned toward the Family, the young Dragoon doesn't know if he can survive that news.
The right thing, the kind thing. The thing that's best. Isn't that itself the issue? "I thought I was," Koa confesses forlornly into his hands. "I mean- not at first, obviously. I don't know what she told you, but the first time we, um, got together, I fucked up pretty bad." He chuckles wryly, shaking his head at how much of an idiot he'd been. "So I gave her space, y'know? We didn't see each other for a few years. And when we did, well- she was still so mad at first, which I totally get, but then..."
He trails off with a sigh, shoulders rolling in a hapless shrug. "I dunno. I guess... I thought we were good again. Friends, even." Fuckbuddies, a thing he will never, ever confess to the Knight. "But now it feels like, whenever I see her... like even when I think things are good between us, I always somehow do something to fuck it up, but I'm never sure what? And I swear, I don't mean to- gods, I want her to be happy. She's so bright and clever and brave and gorgeous and--"
He realizes he's rambling and cuts himself off, color rising dark on his bronzed cheeks. Ronin knows this. Flora is his daughter, after all. And if he keeps going - if he brings himself to say the things he really thinks about her - well. Koa doesn't let himself go there, because he knows that there's no point. He's tried so hard to build something like friendship. Flora has made it abundantly clear that he'll never be worthy of anything more.
"I guess... I guess I have been selfish. Hanging around. Pretending that..." That I ever had a chance.
The right thing, the kind thing. The thing that's best. Isn't that itself the issue? "I thought I was," Koa confesses forlornly into his hands. "I mean- not at first, obviously. I don't know what she told you, but the first time we, um, got together, I fucked up pretty bad." He chuckles wryly, shaking his head at how much of an idiot he'd been. "So I gave her space, y'know? We didn't see each other for a few years. And when we did, well- she was still so mad at first, which I totally get, but then..."
He trails off with a sigh, shoulders rolling in a hapless shrug. "I dunno. I guess... I thought we were good again. Friends, even." Fuckbuddies, a thing he will never, ever confess to the Knight. "But now it feels like, whenever I see her... like even when I think things are good between us, I always somehow do something to fuck it up, but I'm never sure what? And I swear, I don't mean to- gods, I want her to be happy. She's so bright and clever and brave and gorgeous and--"
He realizes he's rambling and cuts himself off, color rising dark on his bronzed cheeks. Ronin knows this. Flora is his daughter, after all. And if he keeps going - if he brings himself to say the things he really thinks about her - well. Koa doesn't let himself go there, because he knows that there's no point. He's tried so hard to build something like friendship. Flora has made it abundantly clear that he'll never be worthy of anything more.
"I guess... I guess I have been selfish. Hanging around. Pretending that..." That I ever had a chance.
Koa Carpenter
Feel your breath course frankly below
And see life as a worthy opponent
And see life as a worthy opponent
