// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //
Eesh was a good way to summarize the whole thing. She really wished that was all of it, but the truth was that she hadn't even started yet.
"Well... as you can imagine, I sort of freaked out about the whole thing," she murmured, re-applying heat to the mug when her long pauses between sips left the tea cold. If it bittered over time, she didn't mind; she needed the roughness on her tongue to combat the nausea. "I confronted A - the person - " she nearly bit her tongue, so close to slipping the name that she could have kicked herself, "and said... a lot of things I'm not proud of. I called them a monster. And cruel. And asked why - " Drawing a deep breath she recounted the conversation as best she could, sparing no details and certainly not her own reaction.
"The next day, Danta wanted to talk... and his take was that it wasn't a big deal? That since the dead guy was a criminal it was not an issue, and Dygra wouldn't mind it because she is about complete freedom... and he wants me to stay in the Grounds, but I can't make a fuss about being upset with their ways, because who am I to decide what is right and wrong." That whole conversation was retold as well, with increasing weariness as she recalled the sense of defeat and half-swallowed panic. Touching upon her own dark instincts had been unsettling, and it was hard to admit to them now, even when she knew that Remi might be able to relate - he'd had his shifts longer than her, after all, and at least one of them was a predator.
And then, before she could change her mind, she launched into a retelling of the most recent incident with Asta. Never mentioning his name, she nevertheless iterated the entire mess from start to finish, leaving her thoughts and reasoning for doing what she did out of it - and when she was done, she sat limp and tired in the couch with dull eyes on Remi.
"I just... don't even know where it went wrong. Every single thing I said and did just made it worse and worse, and even though I could see it, I couldn't... do anything that made any difference." Rather, her good intentions had caused more harm than if she'd gone into this with the intention of starting a fight. And with distance, hindsight only made it look even more awful than it had been in the moment.
"Well... as you can imagine, I sort of freaked out about the whole thing," she murmured, re-applying heat to the mug when her long pauses between sips left the tea cold. If it bittered over time, she didn't mind; she needed the roughness on her tongue to combat the nausea. "I confronted A - the person - " she nearly bit her tongue, so close to slipping the name that she could have kicked herself, "and said... a lot of things I'm not proud of. I called them a monster. And cruel. And asked why - " Drawing a deep breath she recounted the conversation as best she could, sparing no details and certainly not her own reaction.
"The next day, Danta wanted to talk... and his take was that it wasn't a big deal? That since the dead guy was a criminal it was not an issue, and Dygra wouldn't mind it because she is about complete freedom... and he wants me to stay in the Grounds, but I can't make a fuss about being upset with their ways, because who am I to decide what is right and wrong." That whole conversation was retold as well, with increasing weariness as she recalled the sense of defeat and half-swallowed panic. Touching upon her own dark instincts had been unsettling, and it was hard to admit to them now, even when she knew that Remi might be able to relate - he'd had his shifts longer than her, after all, and at least one of them was a predator.
And then, before she could change her mind, she launched into a retelling of the most recent incident with Asta. Never mentioning his name, she nevertheless iterated the entire mess from start to finish, leaving her thoughts and reasoning for doing what she did out of it - and when she was done, she sat limp and tired in the couch with dull eyes on Remi.
"I just... don't even know where it went wrong. Every single thing I said and did just made it worse and worse, and even though I could see it, I couldn't... do anything that made any difference." Rather, her good intentions had caused more harm than if she'd gone into this with the intention of starting a fight. And with distance, hindsight only made it look even more awful than it had been in the moment.
Maea
// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //
