// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //
Yes.
Yes. Alright. Okay. A quiet settled over her. Not quite relief, but perhaps something adjacent. Doing wrong was better than being wrong, she supposed. It was far easier to change her actions than her way of thinking. Quite what that change would look like she didn't know yet - that might be up to Asta, more than her - but now... at least she knew. It felt awful, and gut wrenching, and echoes of 'but I just wanted to - ' bounced around her brain like crazed flies against a window pane, but that was fine. Those were as natural as the tendency to hide chocolate stained fingers behind the back after swiping a cookie that wasn't yours. What mattered was what came after.
More difficult by far was the call of the void, that whisper in her ears that said she might as well embrace the chaos, if that's all she was capable of creating. Snatching a pillow to hug it tightly, Remi's hand felt big and warm against her shoulder - and though she flinched at the touch, at the question, she didn't pull away. Maea was far more afraid of the images conjured by her own mind than anything he might or once had done.
"I would stop seeing people as individuals," she admitted, with a faraway expression. A little cold, a bit numb, in a way that was all too familiar. The way she had been as Ascended, disconnected from everything - including herself. "Reduce them to pawns on a chess board, of no importance unless they could make themselves useful. I think I could sacrifice a lot to reach any goal I might have. Not too long ago I suggested setting fire to the Greatwood to erase the void taint, not really minding all the good things that would be destroyed at the same time. I... sometimes when I use magic... it's like I get drunk on the feeling. Power - I've never had this much power before. It wasn't even a fight, when I faced that ancient, but when I realized he couldn't actually defeat me, it was... not satisfying, exactly, but I don't like being able to feel the way that felt, either."
Leaning into the touch, a faint shudder went through her. "What I'm most afraid of... is that I'll find that I enjoy being cruel. Because... I really can be. The things I can say to people, the way I seem to find ways to cut them where it hurts - I'm really good at that. The way I can twist what I say to sound like something other than what I mean... I don't even have to lie. And there are times when the truth I tell is even worse than lying." Mouth drooping, just speaking of these things made her feel sullied. Tainted, like even imagining it equaled doing it. And hadn't she? Selfishly pushing for her own rights and needs even as Asta showed signs of discomfort, pressing on even after he made clear they didn't think the same way.
And even as he was down, barely able to move, she still pressed for more, for help, squeezing every bit of use out of him for her own benefit. Because it was all about her, and her fears, and her comfort, (and sure, it was, because none of this would have happened if she had dealt with her traumas and fears instead of pushing them onto others to unravel).
"I am so... fucking selfish."
Yes. Alright. Okay. A quiet settled over her. Not quite relief, but perhaps something adjacent. Doing wrong was better than being wrong, she supposed. It was far easier to change her actions than her way of thinking. Quite what that change would look like she didn't know yet - that might be up to Asta, more than her - but now... at least she knew. It felt awful, and gut wrenching, and echoes of 'but I just wanted to - ' bounced around her brain like crazed flies against a window pane, but that was fine. Those were as natural as the tendency to hide chocolate stained fingers behind the back after swiping a cookie that wasn't yours. What mattered was what came after.
More difficult by far was the call of the void, that whisper in her ears that said she might as well embrace the chaos, if that's all she was capable of creating. Snatching a pillow to hug it tightly, Remi's hand felt big and warm against her shoulder - and though she flinched at the touch, at the question, she didn't pull away. Maea was far more afraid of the images conjured by her own mind than anything he might or once had done.
"I would stop seeing people as individuals," she admitted, with a faraway expression. A little cold, a bit numb, in a way that was all too familiar. The way she had been as Ascended, disconnected from everything - including herself. "Reduce them to pawns on a chess board, of no importance unless they could make themselves useful. I think I could sacrifice a lot to reach any goal I might have. Not too long ago I suggested setting fire to the Greatwood to erase the void taint, not really minding all the good things that would be destroyed at the same time. I... sometimes when I use magic... it's like I get drunk on the feeling. Power - I've never had this much power before. It wasn't even a fight, when I faced that ancient, but when I realized he couldn't actually defeat me, it was... not satisfying, exactly, but I don't like being able to feel the way that felt, either."
Leaning into the touch, a faint shudder went through her. "What I'm most afraid of... is that I'll find that I enjoy being cruel. Because... I really can be. The things I can say to people, the way I seem to find ways to cut them where it hurts - I'm really good at that. The way I can twist what I say to sound like something other than what I mean... I don't even have to lie. And there are times when the truth I tell is even worse than lying." Mouth drooping, just speaking of these things made her feel sullied. Tainted, like even imagining it equaled doing it. And hadn't she? Selfishly pushing for her own rights and needs even as Asta showed signs of discomfort, pressing on even after he made clear they didn't think the same way.
And even as he was down, barely able to move, she still pressed for more, for help, squeezing every bit of use out of him for her own benefit. Because it was all about her, and her fears, and her comfort, (and sure, it was, because none of this would have happened if she had dealt with her traumas and fears instead of pushing them onto others to unravel).
"I am so... fucking selfish."
Maea
// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //
