// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //
That was a good question. Dragging her hand over the face, she put herself back in the moment.
"I was... worried," she recalled. "I've never seen him run like that, and I remember being both shocked and alarmed. The way he ran too - I didn't want him to get hurt. So I followed, at a distance. Just to make sure he didn't run into trouble, or off a cliff. And when he spotted me... he seemed so utterly out of his mind. I thought... maybe if he could have a way to take all that panic out on something, it might help him come back to his senses. So when he lauched himself at me, I let it happen." Misguided, but well intentioned. That was a good way to summarize every decision she had made that day. Isolated and singularly each had been understandable and perhaps not that horrendous, but when put together the result was a complete disaster.
Sinking in on herself at the disappointment in Remi's eyes, she found that far worse than any telling off. For the first time since walking through the door, Maea hesitated a long time before explaining that bit of reasoning... But ultimately, the realized there was no point in holding it back. She'd said too much already for that.
"... I didn't say it to manipulate," she replied weakly. "It was... a seriously meant offer." Holding the pillow so tightly that the fabric wrinkled, she tried in vain to smooth it again. "Even in my best days, I keep wondering... whether I really should be here at all. Since I was plucked from Mort's halls by the Voice, I've felt like what I really ought to do to right that wrong is return... " And if she could make amends by giving that end to someone the had wronged, that wouldn't be a bad way to go.
Except, Asta hadn't accepted the offer. That look of disgust as he walked away... It had burned its way into her memory, no doubt to linger just like so many other ones in the past. Reaffirming her failures on matters of kindness, compassion, understanding, honor and grace – all the things she admired and desired yet didn't possess.
"I was... worried," she recalled. "I've never seen him run like that, and I remember being both shocked and alarmed. The way he ran too - I didn't want him to get hurt. So I followed, at a distance. Just to make sure he didn't run into trouble, or off a cliff. And when he spotted me... he seemed so utterly out of his mind. I thought... maybe if he could have a way to take all that panic out on something, it might help him come back to his senses. So when he lauched himself at me, I let it happen." Misguided, but well intentioned. That was a good way to summarize every decision she had made that day. Isolated and singularly each had been understandable and perhaps not that horrendous, but when put together the result was a complete disaster.
Sinking in on herself at the disappointment in Remi's eyes, she found that far worse than any telling off. For the first time since walking through the door, Maea hesitated a long time before explaining that bit of reasoning... But ultimately, the realized there was no point in holding it back. She'd said too much already for that.
"... I didn't say it to manipulate," she replied weakly. "It was... a seriously meant offer." Holding the pillow so tightly that the fabric wrinkled, she tried in vain to smooth it again. "Even in my best days, I keep wondering... whether I really should be here at all. Since I was plucked from Mort's halls by the Voice, I've felt like what I really ought to do to right that wrong is return... " And if she could make amends by giving that end to someone the had wronged, that wouldn't be a bad way to go.
Except, Asta hadn't accepted the offer. That look of disgust as he walked away... It had burned its way into her memory, no doubt to linger just like so many other ones in the past. Reaffirming her failures on matters of kindness, compassion, understanding, honor and grace – all the things she admired and desired yet didn't possess.
Maea
// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //
