// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //
Flinching at the sound of the moniker, Maea felt like the bottom of her gut was dropping away. For all her efforts to keep Asta's identity out of the retelling, it seemed she had failed that too. Add breaker of confidences to her list of wrongs, and whatever small claim to honor she'd had left was crumbling into dust.
Especially as Remi went on to condemn her actions. She had asked for his opinion, and now it was coming. Her head bent under the weight of it, innards hollowing with sick loathing of herself; how she had been able to do exactly the kind of thing that she'd accused Asta of.
"Yes," she got out, past the choking sensation in her throat. "I realize that now." It didn't really matter how much she had wished to help, or how concerned she had been, when her way of expressing it turned out that... cruel. Yes, that was the only word for it.
And behold, how in her effort to avoid a thing, she became that very same thing. But it wasn't as some queen of the damned she sat on her throne of bones, but as something far more wretched. Bent and defeated on the couch of a friend who was both appalled and disappointed, swallowing down self pity and regret in equal measure because she didn't think she deserved to cry anymore.
And then Remi offered to kill her. And perhaps that was the moment where the full impact of what she had really done finally sunk all the way in. Because if the thought of asking a friend to do something like that could hurt so badly, then being asked... or even offered to...
The rush of breath as Maea slowly exhaled whispered into the silence. Forcing her back to straighten out, she turned her head towards the ceiling, tracing the edge around two corners. Her burden... Her responsibility to mend what she had broken. If she could. If they would let her try. And at the very least, not the kind of pain or weight she would ask Remi to comfort.
"I hear... I hear you." Her voice was so thick, she had to clear it bedore getting the words out. Reaching for the teacup with mechanically precise motions, she drained the cold liquid down to the dregs. The bitterness left on her tongue once again felt very fitting, more deserving than the sweetness she normally might crave.
"Is there any way to make amends for something like this?" Somewhere she didn't think so. Some hurts couldn't be forgiven. And yet, like the selfish fool she was, she still craved the companionship she'd caught a glimpse of. Surrounded by peers, working towards a common goal, laughing and bantering...
Why was it that she only ever realized what she had after it had broken?
Especially as Remi went on to condemn her actions. She had asked for his opinion, and now it was coming. Her head bent under the weight of it, innards hollowing with sick loathing of herself; how she had been able to do exactly the kind of thing that she'd accused Asta of.
"Yes," she got out, past the choking sensation in her throat. "I realize that now." It didn't really matter how much she had wished to help, or how concerned she had been, when her way of expressing it turned out that... cruel. Yes, that was the only word for it.
And behold, how in her effort to avoid a thing, she became that very same thing. But it wasn't as some queen of the damned she sat on her throne of bones, but as something far more wretched. Bent and defeated on the couch of a friend who was both appalled and disappointed, swallowing down self pity and regret in equal measure because she didn't think she deserved to cry anymore.
And then Remi offered to kill her. And perhaps that was the moment where the full impact of what she had really done finally sunk all the way in. Because if the thought of asking a friend to do something like that could hurt so badly, then being asked... or even offered to...
The rush of breath as Maea slowly exhaled whispered into the silence. Forcing her back to straighten out, she turned her head towards the ceiling, tracing the edge around two corners. Her burden... Her responsibility to mend what she had broken. If she could. If they would let her try. And at the very least, not the kind of pain or weight she would ask Remi to comfort.
"I hear... I hear you." Her voice was so thick, she had to clear it bedore getting the words out. Reaching for the teacup with mechanically precise motions, she drained the cold liquid down to the dregs. The bitterness left on her tongue once again felt very fitting, more deserving than the sweetness she normally might crave.
"Is there any way to make amends for something like this?" Somewhere she didn't think so. Some hurts couldn't be forgiven. And yet, like the selfish fool she was, she still craved the companionship she'd caught a glimpse of. Surrounded by peers, working towards a common goal, laughing and bantering...
Why was it that she only ever realized what she had after it had broken?
Maea
// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //
