are you still the same soul

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

Jude's ragged breathing slows in time with his frantic heart, burying his face somewhere between her neck and shoulder, drowning in her hair. She smells different. He isn't sure how to feel about that. Isn't sure how to feel about her apologies either, which is what brings him the slow-creeping clarity pushing the clouds of relief away.

Early on, they might have revealed razed earth and stony certainty in his decision to refuse her any forgiveness or understanding. Except it's been so long. Long enough that Jude simply isn't the same person she'd last seen in the doorway of his sad apartment, angry and hurting in ways he hadn't known a person could hurt yet. He isn't sure if forgiveness would have mattered in whether his dad died or not but the fragility of their lives is too fresh a lesson for Jude to not reevaluate his stance on grudges. And what does young love matter in the face of life and death? It's not like Jude values himself much - his stupid heart shouldn't matter either. Sohalia is alive. Doesn't that matter more than whether she'd hurt his feelings?

It's a decision that will surely bite him later, but Jude minimizes his own hurt, his concerns and complaints, and buries them somewhere silent and untouched as he wraps an arm around Sohalia's back and pulls her closer. "It's okay. s'alright, Soh. I forgive you." For better or worse. Leaning back, Jude pushes his curls back and smiles at her, though it's a wispy thing that only the faint crinkle of one dimple really signifies as an attempt at the expression. "You're alive. That matters so much more."

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone