are you still the same soul

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

It’s a guess more than anything, but he’s surprised to find he can still read her so well even after everything that’s happened between them - and it’s clear this isn’t a total surprise. He shouldn’t be surprised really. His father’s death had been a simple footnote on most newspapers and notice boards. Few people still existed or cared about him - largely due to Harper himself - but those who did wouldn’t have forgotten his name.

Had that been worse? Jude prays that isn’t how she found out. It’s easier to feel empathy for her than himself, because whatever is inside his chest right now is too dark and forbidding, and he hasn’t had the courage to look inside it.

He squeezes her hand back, fingers delayed as if they’ve forgotten how to interact with someone else’s body. He hopes it slows her tears, because his own refuse to join them, and he can only feel the faint whisper of what might have once been panic or discomfort but is now only hollowness. “No. But thank you.” An equally hollow sentiment. What need might have existed was already given by Koa, and Jude will never repay that kindness. It’s an ironic cruelty to be indebted so heavily to him now after everything. 

“This was my last trip back. I’m living with the Carpenters for now, until I can…” he trails off, shrugging listlessly. Until he makes enough money? Passion is just ash on his tongue now, though it has been for a few years. He lives for the smooth stone at his throat and the memory of Safrin’s voice, and were she not the herald of life maybe he would have felt inclined to join her forever in a different way. “Winnie is there. Promise I’m still taking care of her.” A bit of a ridiculous notion, but for a moment he feels he has to justify it, like she might condemn him or assume since he’s clearly not taking care of himself then the cat she entrusted to his care must be similarly suffering. Maybe he just can’t see the goodness in people anymore. Or maybe just in himself.

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone