You stood by me patiently waiting and broken
The only relief to be had in the darkness behind her eyelids is the familiarity of this; reading Sunjata through actions and emotions, not the pinch of his expression or faltering attempts at words. It’s how they’ve made it this far. Still, she jerks and clings tighter when he moves, abandonment a black hole opening in her stomach that makes her reach for anything that might keep her from tumbling into it. She wants to believe she’ll always let him walk away if he chooses to, but she isn’t sure anymore. Had she not stolen Flora’s will away in an instant? What greater lengths is she capable of going in the name of love?
But then his hands are on her face and she isn’t alone in the dark anymore. Sharpened breaths stutter and slow before they can reach panicked heights, calmed by the tether of his touch. The gold of her lashes twitch and flutter with the instinctive urge to open - only to clench tighter, denying herself. It’s not grotesque desecration she’s scared to see in his face if she opens her eyes. Horrors she can withstand. Shades and illusions? They can’t touch her in a way that matters.
But there are ways to break the Valkyrie yet. Ways she’s avoided empowering someone with her entire life - until her children, until him. Sunjata has never needed her physical heart to hold this sort of power over her. It was always his to wield, for better or worse. Just as she’d told him the day he handed over his own. If she opens her eyes it won’t be extra teeth or gaping holes for eyes that will sever the last thread of resilience in her chest. It will be disgust. Contempt. Hatred. Apathy. Seeing his heart turn away from her will silence her own in the same moment. So even as he begins to speak, Hotaru doesn’t dare to open her eyes.
Since the war they have learned a new language to communicate with. One that was tailored to his needs and weaknesses, because words so often come out wrong for the Flood. But when she needs him - when she doesn’t have the strength to meet him halfway this time - he moves mountains to reach her. Tears spill out from closed eyes, lips parting in slackened shock with every declaration. Her hands rise unsteady and blind to wrap tentatively around his wrists, lips trembling and chin wobbling. “But I’m looking. And I see you.”
Her eyes open immediately, and though she flinches at first to see the brief appearance of melted flesh and singed bone on a face other than her own, it’s gone in the next moment, leaving only her beloved. The stern set of his brow conveying his sincerity is the foundation for the love and acceptance hung in every other corner of his expression. And though she doesn’t dare to blink for so many reasons, she cries harder - ugly and unaltered, because it clearly won’t scare him away.
“I love you,” she sobs, because it says everything and more. Thank you. I don’t deserve you. Please forgive me. Know I did it all for you. Know I would do it again if it kept us together. Please forgive me for that too.
Her hands move from his wrists to his face to mirror his hold. It’s hard not to blink beneath the volume of her tears. Every time she does she twitches subtly in his grasp, but she never looks away. “Anything, Sunjata. Anything for you. I’m sorry - I’m so sorry.” It remains an unfinished apology as she heaves for breath, willfully breaking so the poison of everything she’s felt since opening her eyes in the springs can finally bleed dry. If she’d known it would hurt him or Flora she never would have done it. Never. But she can’t be sorry for trusting him, not when that trust has been so hard won. She won’t let the Family break that, won’t let herself be convinced it’s somehow safer to doubt the man she loves. So gods damn her but she’d do it all over again. There is no darkness she won’t follow him into if he asks it of her.
But then his hands are on her face and she isn’t alone in the dark anymore. Sharpened breaths stutter and slow before they can reach panicked heights, calmed by the tether of his touch. The gold of her lashes twitch and flutter with the instinctive urge to open - only to clench tighter, denying herself. It’s not grotesque desecration she’s scared to see in his face if she opens her eyes. Horrors she can withstand. Shades and illusions? They can’t touch her in a way that matters.
But there are ways to break the Valkyrie yet. Ways she’s avoided empowering someone with her entire life - until her children, until him. Sunjata has never needed her physical heart to hold this sort of power over her. It was always his to wield, for better or worse. Just as she’d told him the day he handed over his own. If she opens her eyes it won’t be extra teeth or gaping holes for eyes that will sever the last thread of resilience in her chest. It will be disgust. Contempt. Hatred. Apathy. Seeing his heart turn away from her will silence her own in the same moment. So even as he begins to speak, Hotaru doesn’t dare to open her eyes.
Since the war they have learned a new language to communicate with. One that was tailored to his needs and weaknesses, because words so often come out wrong for the Flood. But when she needs him - when she doesn’t have the strength to meet him halfway this time - he moves mountains to reach her. Tears spill out from closed eyes, lips parting in slackened shock with every declaration. Her hands rise unsteady and blind to wrap tentatively around his wrists, lips trembling and chin wobbling. “But I’m looking. And I see you.”
Her eyes open immediately, and though she flinches at first to see the brief appearance of melted flesh and singed bone on a face other than her own, it’s gone in the next moment, leaving only her beloved. The stern set of his brow conveying his sincerity is the foundation for the love and acceptance hung in every other corner of his expression. And though she doesn’t dare to blink for so many reasons, she cries harder - ugly and unaltered, because it clearly won’t scare him away.
“I love you,” she sobs, because it says everything and more. Thank you. I don’t deserve you. Please forgive me. Know I did it all for you. Know I would do it again if it kept us together. Please forgive me for that too.
Her hands move from his wrists to his face to mirror his hold. It’s hard not to blink beneath the volume of her tears. Every time she does she twitches subtly in his grasp, but she never looks away. “Anything, Sunjata. Anything for you. I’m sorry - I’m so sorry.” It remains an unfinished apology as she heaves for breath, willfully breaking so the poison of everything she’s felt since opening her eyes in the springs can finally bleed dry. If she’d known it would hurt him or Flora she never would have done it. Never. But she can’t be sorry for trusting him, not when that trust has been so hard won. She won’t let the Family break that, won’t let herself be convinced it’s somehow safer to doubt the man she loves. So gods damn her but she’d do it all over again. There is no darkness she won’t follow him into if he asks it of her.
So deeply in love with every face that I've shown
Hotaru
