Zavien
Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.
Tal's immediate, unquestioning support eased the stress clutching at him. It allowed him to take a deep, steadying breath. He ran both hands through his hair as he leaned back on the seat, grateful for his friend's shoulder. "I - I don't know - I don't know if I can." To put the pieces back together when they felt so shattered and irreparable seemed impossible, like trying to put every grain of sand back into a cracked hourglass. He couldn't turn back time. He couldn't take back his choices. He just had to deal with the consequences.
"I need to get stronger, because I can't go through that again - I can't put others through that again." Soh still didn't seem to know, but Mel and Alys had been there. They'd had to see his broken body. Just the thought made him shiver, nauseous at the memory of darkness. "I don't know how much Alys told you, or if you put it together from the broadcast, but I - I didn't make it." The word 'died' still refused to come from his mouth, sticking in his chest like a barb that threatened to rip at his heart, but he wanted Tal to know. He considered him a close friend, and he didn't want to have to hide such a pivotal life moment from him. It would also help explain why he was so scared, because that was what he felt: scared. Of dying, of losing people, of failing again, of everything. Zavien had never felt so scared in his life.
Letting out a humorless chuckle to disguise the pain, he shook his head. "It seemed so simple at the time, to leave Stormbreak in order to recover out of reach from the Family - just until I could get my strength back. But now..." He lapsed into silence, trying to grapple with all the emotions before explaining, "It wasn't fair of me to ask to begin with, but Lena is having difficulties agreeing to go with me. And I - I can't do it without her. I can't focus on what I need to if she's still in harm's way." But could he risk staying in Stormbreak and drawing more attention to himself? Would the Family even allow that?
His thoughts swirled and crashed against each other, continuing the same pattern of uncertainties that he'd struggled with for days. Zavien looked at the snow, kneading his hands together as his mind wandered. "You know, I thought a lot about her when I - " 'died'. He paused for a moment, clenching his jaw again. "Remi encouraged me to tell her how I feel, but I think I messed up... I - I told her I love her..." Swallowing, he fought against the dampness that gathered in his eyes, the regret evident while he rambled on, trying to justify himself. "I know it was selfish. I know it was stupid. I know it's too soon for her. But I could only think about her not knowing - because I do love her." His breathing hitched and he leaned forward to brace against his knees, thrown into the chaos of his emotions again. "Did I ruin everything?" He could barely get the question out, but he needed to hear the answer. Like a soldier waiting for the death toll, he could only go on knowing what damage he'd done and how it may impact everything else.
"I need to get stronger, because I can't go through that again - I can't put others through that again." Soh still didn't seem to know, but Mel and Alys had been there. They'd had to see his broken body. Just the thought made him shiver, nauseous at the memory of darkness. "I don't know how much Alys told you, or if you put it together from the broadcast, but I - I didn't make it." The word 'died' still refused to come from his mouth, sticking in his chest like a barb that threatened to rip at his heart, but he wanted Tal to know. He considered him a close friend, and he didn't want to have to hide such a pivotal life moment from him. It would also help explain why he was so scared, because that was what he felt: scared. Of dying, of losing people, of failing again, of everything. Zavien had never felt so scared in his life.
Letting out a humorless chuckle to disguise the pain, he shook his head. "It seemed so simple at the time, to leave Stormbreak in order to recover out of reach from the Family - just until I could get my strength back. But now..." He lapsed into silence, trying to grapple with all the emotions before explaining, "It wasn't fair of me to ask to begin with, but Lena is having difficulties agreeing to go with me. And I - I can't do it without her. I can't focus on what I need to if she's still in harm's way." But could he risk staying in Stormbreak and drawing more attention to himself? Would the Family even allow that?
His thoughts swirled and crashed against each other, continuing the same pattern of uncertainties that he'd struggled with for days. Zavien looked at the snow, kneading his hands together as his mind wandered. "You know, I thought a lot about her when I - " 'died'. He paused for a moment, clenching his jaw again. "Remi encouraged me to tell her how I feel, but I think I messed up... I - I told her I love her..." Swallowing, he fought against the dampness that gathered in his eyes, the regret evident while he rambled on, trying to justify himself. "I know it was selfish. I know it was stupid. I know it's too soon for her. But I could only think about her not knowing - because I do love her." His breathing hitched and he leaned forward to brace against his knees, thrown into the chaos of his emotions again. "Did I ruin everything?" He could barely get the question out, but he needed to hear the answer. Like a soldier waiting for the death toll, he could only go on knowing what damage he'd done and how it may impact everything else.
