how do I mourn what never lived

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

"No," was the answer she gave to each example, "because the wolf is born to hunt. I was not born as an Ancient. I was born Abandoned, and I died as one. The reason why I am here now is because the natural order was disrupted. The Voice... she ripped souls from Mort's realm, turning those of us that listened to her promises into Ascended. And when she was defeated, the choice we had was between Dygra and death. I wonder... what would you think about a deer that turned into a tiger just so it wouldn't have to die? Is it still fine for it to roam among other deer, even though it dreams of eating them? Is it actually a tiger, or is it a deer in a guise, or simply an abomination that shouldn't be allowed to exist?"

It was a question that lay at the core of her being. Most of the time she could convince herself that it was a moot question, that she had made her choices and simply had to live with them. But every once in a while, the deep unsettling thought crept up on her that her existence was something wrong. Somehow an affront against nature, against Mort, even more a mockery of Caido than her abandoned spark of magic had been.

Of course, that begged the question why Dygra would accept one such as she. Was it because of how wrong her existence had become? And why would Vi's demigod be allowed to revive her a second time? Even if the decision had been Ronin's, she couldn't believe Vi wouldn't be aware of how the power was being used... 

"Even if it is allowed, I don't know... if it's something I really want to be. Sure, I hunted in the past, but it was only ever out of necessity. I didn't enjoy it. Now... the fact that I am even capable of taking pleasure in inflicting blood and death makes me feel sick. And yet... what choice do I have, if I still don't want to die?" 

Carefully setting the food down, she brushed the crumbs off her fingers and braided them together. Tightly knotted, as though to rein in any impulse, any thought or emotion that would make her forget what it was like to be a deer and know the dreadful fear of being prey.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3