how do I mourn what never lived

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Biting at the inside of her cheek, Maea listened with her gaze on the table. There was a logic to what the therapist was saying, it just didn't quell the pinching sensation in her chest. If only she could put it into words, explain what it was that felt so wrong... The question of how to address a metaphorical child echoed something Danta had once asked her. Flinching, she blinked against a sudden prickling in the eyes. Why was that so hard a question to answer?

"I don't know what I would say," she muttered, eyebrows pinching into a scowl. "In theory it shouldn't ever be wrong to follow ones nature. But... it's like..." Sighing in frustration she gasped for some example. "I grew up on a farm. We had sheep, and sometimes I had to help with the slaughter. I didn't like it. Watching the animals die felt awful and sad, and getting blood on my hands made me shudder. The smell made me nauseous, and it was a relief to wash up afterwards. Now, I feel nothing about taking down a deer, or a sheep. Only a kind of... satisfaction. The scent of the blood make me hungry, not nauseous, and having it on my skin is like touching water. It feels... wrong that I don't feel bad?. Like there is something in my head that doesn't work as it should  anymore."

Almost whispering, it was hard to keep her emotions in check. Maea felt raw where she sat, questioning why she was doing this even as she spoke. "Maybe a real tiger will know the difference between a friend and a meal, and a child would be taught from the beginning what is right and safe, but I'm not..." a real Ancient. Not a child, with guardians to show the way. Just a sheep in a wolf' skin, trying to keep running with the flock. "What if I stop being able to tell the difference between people and prey? It would be very wrong to enjoy eating someone I'm supposed to protect, and cherish. I... it feels like I'm going crazy. Like I'm one mistake away from becoming something that no one can excuse or forgive..." Murderer, cannibal, Monster.  It was probably stupid, to lay bare her sins like this. What did she know about this woman? Nothing. There was no guarantee that she wouldn't be persecuted for what she was saying. Elizabeth was from Halo; she would know all about how the cannibals of Whitebrim had been dealt with, and it would be so easy to draw parallells between them and the Ancients. Maybe no one else remembered, but Maea could not forget having been a target before, being locked up and looked down upon, facing the cold reality that she was not who she ought to be...

Unwanted. Unasked for. Insufficient. Unneeded. Gods, but she didn't want to be put back in that cage again.

"I don't know what to do."

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3