I can't control their fear, only my own.
Why did it feel like they were fighting all of a sudden? Lena felt distant and cold, yet he could sense the pain in her words like an echo of his own heart. Where he needed a gentle touch and a shoulder to cry on, he felt accused and rejected for what others had told him was right - and necessary - for his mental health. It made him want to cry and rip at his own heart just to stop the bleeding.
Pressing his face into his hand, he tried to keep the broken emotions at bay. "'Strategy?' Lena, that's the farthest thing from my mind right now." He shook his head, trying to figure out how to make her understand the agony tearing him apart from the inside. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't value your opinion, but staying isn't an option for me right now."
Zavien's voice strengthened for a moment as he said, "I want to eventually come home, and I will, but I - " He took a stuttering, shaky breath. "I'm not okay, Lena." His voice broke around the words, frayed and rattled. How could she not see the way being in Stormbreak was eating away at him? Every movement was paranoid and measured - scared. Every night was filled with nightmares. He felt weak and hollow no matter what he did or how many times he tried to smile through it. If only so she might know, he rambled on, laying bare everything that she might not see, "I - I have phantom pains and - and nightmares and - crippling fear that doesn't let me think." The passion and desperation of his words ripped at his throat, begging her to notice that this wasn't something he could push aside for the sake of 'logic' and 'strategy.' "Staying here will only make it worse, being alone will only make it worse, so I'm left trapped in the middle of this no-win situation." Suffer or suffer.
He finally looked back to her, ignoring the way the rising sun highlighted the raw agony of his emotions shining in his eyes. "What would you have me do?" Would she really tell him that he should break himself apart at the seams, sacrifice his sanity, just to stay in Stormbreak?
Pressing his face into his hand, he tried to keep the broken emotions at bay. "'Strategy?' Lena, that's the farthest thing from my mind right now." He shook his head, trying to figure out how to make her understand the agony tearing him apart from the inside. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't value your opinion, but staying isn't an option for me right now."
Zavien's voice strengthened for a moment as he said, "I want to eventually come home, and I will, but I - " He took a stuttering, shaky breath. "I'm not okay, Lena." His voice broke around the words, frayed and rattled. How could she not see the way being in Stormbreak was eating away at him? Every movement was paranoid and measured - scared. Every night was filled with nightmares. He felt weak and hollow no matter what he did or how many times he tried to smile through it. If only so she might know, he rambled on, laying bare everything that she might not see, "I - I have phantom pains and - and nightmares and - crippling fear that doesn't let me think." The passion and desperation of his words ripped at his throat, begging her to notice that this wasn't something he could push aside for the sake of 'logic' and 'strategy.' "Staying here will only make it worse, being alone will only make it worse, so I'm left trapped in the middle of this no-win situation." Suffer or suffer.
He finally looked back to her, ignoring the way the rising sun highlighted the raw agony of his emotions shining in his eyes. "What would you have me do?" Would she really tell him that he should break himself apart at the seams, sacrifice his sanity, just to stay in Stormbreak?
Zavien
