Jude
If it weren't for the roiling stress-ball in his stomach, Jude might have had room to feel something over the way Koa reaches for him. Just as princely as ever - Jude has to remember that, remember he isn't special.
Koa reminds him anyway, each name that isn't Jude's falling like a hammer on the foundations of his composure. "And you didn't think to tell me?" His heart breaks in tandem with his voice on the final word. "I had to find out on my own. I had to find out through her telling me about you trying to cure her, and then not coming home." Home that, for all Jude has tried not to settle inside it, has been Jude's too these recent seasons. "The only way I could convince her to let me leave her too was because I promised I'd try to find you and make you at least visit!" The cataract turns any sound in its basin and amplifies it, turning Jude's outcry into an echoing, swelling thing that makes him feel larger than he is.
He staggers closer, uncertain if the flush in his cheeks is rage or betrayal and whether either emotion is for Noe's sake or his own. "What did you think would happen? You'd stay out here until you found a flower, and she'd just sit in the house thinking you hate her and do nothing? It's Noe." Jude's hands fist to try and stop them from shaking so hard. His lips wobble traitorously, but the weight of his furrowed brow keeps the tears at bay. "You told everyone but me. The only other person who lives with her. What if she'd convinced me to meet them too? What if - why, Koa?" He reaches out as if to shove the man only to falter midway and fist Koa's shirt instead, shaking him fitfully. "Why did you keep me in the dark? So I could be at her side like a toy that would distract her from you leaving?" As if Jude could fill a hole like that. Could measure up to Koa in any way.
Jude shakes him again, refusing to let Koa interject until he's done. He can't let himself be charmed back into silence. Won't listen to any excuses - partially for fear that some of them may be valid. That Jude's hurt is baseless, just a concoction of his own stupid mind again. "I don't expect you to love me or care for me like you do seemingly everyone else! I don't expect you to include me in your inner circle!" A circle comprised of Jude's ex and the only love he'd known, and his fucking cousin. "But am I acceptable collateral to you?!"
Koa reminds him anyway, each name that isn't Jude's falling like a hammer on the foundations of his composure. "And you didn't think to tell me?" His heart breaks in tandem with his voice on the final word. "I had to find out on my own. I had to find out through her telling me about you trying to cure her, and then not coming home." Home that, for all Jude has tried not to settle inside it, has been Jude's too these recent seasons. "The only way I could convince her to let me leave her too was because I promised I'd try to find you and make you at least visit!" The cataract turns any sound in its basin and amplifies it, turning Jude's outcry into an echoing, swelling thing that makes him feel larger than he is.
He staggers closer, uncertain if the flush in his cheeks is rage or betrayal and whether either emotion is for Noe's sake or his own. "What did you think would happen? You'd stay out here until you found a flower, and she'd just sit in the house thinking you hate her and do nothing? It's Noe." Jude's hands fist to try and stop them from shaking so hard. His lips wobble traitorously, but the weight of his furrowed brow keeps the tears at bay. "You told everyone but me. The only other person who lives with her. What if she'd convinced me to meet them too? What if - why, Koa?" He reaches out as if to shove the man only to falter midway and fist Koa's shirt instead, shaking him fitfully. "Why did you keep me in the dark? So I could be at her side like a toy that would distract her from you leaving?" As if Jude could fill a hole like that. Could measure up to Koa in any way.
Jude shakes him again, refusing to let Koa interject until he's done. He can't let himself be charmed back into silence. Won't listen to any excuses - partially for fear that some of them may be valid. That Jude's hurt is baseless, just a concoction of his own stupid mind again. "I don't expect you to love me or care for me like you do seemingly everyone else! I don't expect you to include me in your inner circle!" A circle comprised of Jude's ex and the only love he'd known, and his fucking cousin. "But am I acceptable collateral to you?!"
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart
Or else my heart, concealing it, will break
