Koa
Koa doesn't see the way Soh deflates, but he feels it - the shifting of her aura, the subtle way her vibrations change as her breath hitches and her hand tenses against his. Distantly he thinks that now is where he is supposed to turn and reassure her, to smile and shake his head and say no, it's not you, it's me. Only he doesn't do any of that, because his body - the thing he's honed and built and trusted all his life - his body is static and carved in stone, only moving involuntarily, totally outside his control.
But this time it's Soh who turns to him, who tells him it's okay. And that, that is enough to shock him briefly back to his senses, because how often in his life has that happened? Koa turns toward her at last, blinking as a sad, wondering smile ghosts upon his lips. "Soh," he breathes, reaching out to push a stray curl back behind her ear, the blue petals of the forget-me-not brushing lightly over her cheek.
But the smile fades quickly, and he pulls both hands into his lap, trying to center himself. Koa lets the silence lapse between them, takes his time collecting his thoughts. Ten seconds pass. Twenty. Forty-Five. Finally Koa exhales a steadying breath, and when he finally speaks again his voice is subdued. "I wish it was that simple," Koa sighs, running his hand through his hair. "I wish I could believe that it's enough. That wanting it, because I do want it... Soh, I really, really do, and here, now, with you, it feels like anything is possible. But then I remember the rest of it, and... and it's just so much."
And it's not her fault, except it is - her fault, and his, Flora's and Jude's and Jack's, and the whole damn world's for conspiring against them, for making it so hard to do something that should be the easiest thing in the world. Because it would be easy to love her, so fucking easy, and he wants to - gods, does Koa want to, almost as much as he's ever wanted anything in his life. He wants to shake off this anxiety and wrap her in his arms, to cover those tender lips with promises about the future they'll share, the things they'll do, the them that they could be. And it would be so easy, if he could just get over all the shit that happened---
But there's no getting over the fact that Flora will always be part of her life. And it's something he wouldn't ask her to change, even if he could. But it's also something he knows will always be a wound between them, incapable of ever healing fully, ready to bleed at the slightest turn.
But this time it's Soh who turns to him, who tells him it's okay. And that, that is enough to shock him briefly back to his senses, because how often in his life has that happened? Koa turns toward her at last, blinking as a sad, wondering smile ghosts upon his lips. "Soh," he breathes, reaching out to push a stray curl back behind her ear, the blue petals of the forget-me-not brushing lightly over her cheek.
But the smile fades quickly, and he pulls both hands into his lap, trying to center himself. Koa lets the silence lapse between them, takes his time collecting his thoughts. Ten seconds pass. Twenty. Forty-Five. Finally Koa exhales a steadying breath, and when he finally speaks again his voice is subdued. "I wish it was that simple," Koa sighs, running his hand through his hair. "I wish I could believe that it's enough. That wanting it, because I do want it... Soh, I really, really do, and here, now, with you, it feels like anything is possible. But then I remember the rest of it, and... and it's just so much."
And it's not her fault, except it is - her fault, and his, Flora's and Jude's and Jack's, and the whole damn world's for conspiring against them, for making it so hard to do something that should be the easiest thing in the world. Because it would be easy to love her, so fucking easy, and he wants to - gods, does Koa want to, almost as much as he's ever wanted anything in his life. He wants to shake off this anxiety and wrap her in his arms, to cover those tender lips with promises about the future they'll share, the things they'll do, the them that they could be. And it would be so easy, if he could just get over all the shit that happened---
But there's no getting over the fact that Flora will always be part of her life. And it's something he wouldn't ask her to change, even if he could. But it's also something he knows will always be a wound between them, incapable of ever healing fully, ready to bleed at the slightest turn.
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
