Maea
Stars, hide your fires
It was an episode she'd nearly managed to forget. Thhat Sunjata brought it up again had her grimace uncomfortably, with a frustrated nod - it was reluctant, but she really had to admit that she was still stuck in that same mindset as back then.
"Well, nothing has really changed. I'm still holding on so tightly to things that they either break or end up exploding in my face."
Stilling for a breathless moment as Sunjata came closer, she released an inaudible sigh of relief when it turned out he was just moving past. Mad at herself for the reactions he still coaxed from her even adter all these years, Maea slumped down to sit crosslegged on the ground by his feet. Like a student who was lagging behind in her studies, and now needed extra lessons. It wasn't so much that she was reluctant to talk to Sunjata about what bothered her – it was simply difficult to find the words, to translate a feeling so that it made sense to someone on the outside.
"What's going on is that I'm scared," she eventually said, slow and careful in the way of one who had to make double sure she was saying it right. "Of losing people, getting hurt, of being turned into something I can't stand to live with... and though I've realised that I need to face those fears, if I'm to change anything, I don't know how. No matter how much I want to, I can't just shut them off. I've hurt so many people by trying to keep them at arm's length or by projecting my fears onto them – yet even so it's so hard to trust... anything. Especially myself."
Pulling at the grass before her, Maea's emotions ebbed and flowed like the ocean tide. Always too deep, too strong, or too shallow - not deep enough - so that she either drowned in them or wondered where they'd gone. They ruled her, and she fought them, terrified of the rocks she might break upon, just as she was afraid to be swept out to sea and never return. Whatever vessel of faith had kept her floating until now was battered and taking in water; and it was with a desperate sort of intensity that she now emptied buckets over the railing. Like she could outpace all the leaks if she just worked hard enough.
"Well, nothing has really changed. I'm still holding on so tightly to things that they either break or end up exploding in my face."
Stilling for a breathless moment as Sunjata came closer, she released an inaudible sigh of relief when it turned out he was just moving past. Mad at herself for the reactions he still coaxed from her even adter all these years, Maea slumped down to sit crosslegged on the ground by his feet. Like a student who was lagging behind in her studies, and now needed extra lessons. It wasn't so much that she was reluctant to talk to Sunjata about what bothered her – it was simply difficult to find the words, to translate a feeling so that it made sense to someone on the outside.
"What's going on is that I'm scared," she eventually said, slow and careful in the way of one who had to make double sure she was saying it right. "Of losing people, getting hurt, of being turned into something I can't stand to live with... and though I've realised that I need to face those fears, if I'm to change anything, I don't know how. No matter how much I want to, I can't just shut them off. I've hurt so many people by trying to keep them at arm's length or by projecting my fears onto them – yet even so it's so hard to trust... anything. Especially myself."
Pulling at the grass before her, Maea's emotions ebbed and flowed like the ocean tide. Always too deep, too strong, or too shallow - not deep enough - so that she either drowned in them or wondered where they'd gone. They ruled her, and she fought them, terrified of the rocks she might break upon, just as she was afraid to be swept out to sea and never return. Whatever vessel of faith had kept her floating until now was battered and taking in water; and it was with a desperate sort of intensity that she now emptied buckets over the railing. Like she could outpace all the leaks if she just worked hard enough.
Let not light see my black and deep desires
