Maea
Stars, hide your fires
Sitting here like this brought up so many memories. Recalling the confidences shared between them reminded her of the good parts of what they'd had, that too often got drowned by the awful bits. They had been friends, not just lovers, and though she certainly had tried to rid Jata of some unhealthy habits, she'd seen it as 'helping' at the time. Now her mouth quirked in a half smile, a touch rueful over the futility of her self-imposed quest. It most certainly had not worked, no. Point taken - only she could affect the changes she wished to see in herself.
"What did you do, ultimately?" she asked, when Sunjata grew quiet and she considered all that had been left unsaid. "Sorry for saying it like this, but, Nate still died, despite your bargain with Safrin. Your daughter is not here. I get the part of almost not making it... but you did. How? What drove you to take that step, and do all the things you couldn't before?" Drowning was easy, she knew that from painful experience. Succumbing to the darkness, to depression, wrapping yourself in self-righteousness where everyone else was the problem and she the victim - that she knew the pitfalls of, too. And Maea had found a makeshift reason to keep going, in faces of people who had not died, or left, or otherwise abandoned her, but on the dark days where loneliness tore at her chest, she questioned whether belonging built upon a foundation of other people would ever be secure enough to feel safe.
And the gods... the ones who used to have her devotion felt far away, while her new matron remained unknowable, a mystery she was scorned for wanting to understand. It didn't leave much else to find strength in, when she didn't feel enough for anyone, or like she belonged anywhere.
"What did you do, ultimately?" she asked, when Sunjata grew quiet and she considered all that had been left unsaid. "Sorry for saying it like this, but, Nate still died, despite your bargain with Safrin. Your daughter is not here. I get the part of almost not making it... but you did. How? What drove you to take that step, and do all the things you couldn't before?" Drowning was easy, she knew that from painful experience. Succumbing to the darkness, to depression, wrapping yourself in self-righteousness where everyone else was the problem and she the victim - that she knew the pitfalls of, too. And Maea had found a makeshift reason to keep going, in faces of people who had not died, or left, or otherwise abandoned her, but on the dark days where loneliness tore at her chest, she questioned whether belonging built upon a foundation of other people would ever be secure enough to feel safe.
And the gods... the ones who used to have her devotion felt far away, while her new matron remained unknowable, a mystery she was scorned for wanting to understand. It didn't leave much else to find strength in, when she didn't feel enough for anyone, or like she belonged anywhere.
Let not light see my black and deep desires
