Maea
Stars, hide your fires
Stroking the grass like the earth was a living thing to pet and pamper, Maea sat quiet for a few moments, comparing Sunjata's trials to her own. While many of the details and reasons differed, the process they had to go through were eerily similar. Grief to process and overcome, changes to face and embrace, atonement to be made... It was interesting, in a way, and humbling to realize the depths of tragedy the Flood had waded through to come out on top. She'd known some of it, but far from everything.
"That might be what I stumble over," she mused, when he mentioned Frey, responsibility and Isla as the things that kept him going. "I certainly have friends, but not something I can call my own. Nor do I have that kind of bond with the gods that I feel comfortable airing all my questions... Not that Dygra has been anything but kind - it's not that - but I feel – " gesturing with a hand, she searched for the right words, " – ungrateful. And stupid, I guess. I made a pact without knowing what I swore myself to, and it's much too late to have regrets. Yet the more I consider what she stands for, I get this sinking feeling in my gut. Like I've wound up far beyond anything I know, where nothing I thought of as right or reasonable apply anymore." It was possibly the first time she ever voiced these concerns out loud in this way, and to her shame she felt tears rising in her eyes from the depth of the emotions it brought forth. Bowing her head so that the long hair could hide her face, Maea drew a careful breath - careful not to sniff too loudly - and pulled on the grass untill it ripped off in her hand.
"What's chaos about, anyway? Is there anything good in destroying things? So far the only changes I've seen have been uncomfortable and awful - and if all I'm going to be capable of is to ruin relationships, hurt people and break things, then... I don't think I'll ever be able to embrace what I am. Or live with the kind of person I'd become. " It meant distancing herself from her race as she would never truly fit in, never fully trusting in her goddess because there were aspects she was terrified of, always remaining on the outskirts of groups, relations, other gods - because she belonged to Dygra now, and it was a choice she couldn't unmake.
It was more than a fear of change that had her frozen in place. It was the rootless feeling of being adrift without a goal, or purpose, where her values didn't align with those of others she met - and so she had to choose. To either stay who she was and remain alone, or to adapt to fit with the others - and lose something vital in the process. Awful place to be in, when her greatest fears came down to loneliness and loss of integrity.
"That might be what I stumble over," she mused, when he mentioned Frey, responsibility and Isla as the things that kept him going. "I certainly have friends, but not something I can call my own. Nor do I have that kind of bond with the gods that I feel comfortable airing all my questions... Not that Dygra has been anything but kind - it's not that - but I feel – " gesturing with a hand, she searched for the right words, " – ungrateful. And stupid, I guess. I made a pact without knowing what I swore myself to, and it's much too late to have regrets. Yet the more I consider what she stands for, I get this sinking feeling in my gut. Like I've wound up far beyond anything I know, where nothing I thought of as right or reasonable apply anymore." It was possibly the first time she ever voiced these concerns out loud in this way, and to her shame she felt tears rising in her eyes from the depth of the emotions it brought forth. Bowing her head so that the long hair could hide her face, Maea drew a careful breath - careful not to sniff too loudly - and pulled on the grass untill it ripped off in her hand.
"What's chaos about, anyway? Is there anything good in destroying things? So far the only changes I've seen have been uncomfortable and awful - and if all I'm going to be capable of is to ruin relationships, hurt people and break things, then... I don't think I'll ever be able to embrace what I am. Or live with the kind of person I'd become. " It meant distancing herself from her race as she would never truly fit in, never fully trusting in her goddess because there were aspects she was terrified of, always remaining on the outskirts of groups, relations, other gods - because she belonged to Dygra now, and it was a choice she couldn't unmake.
It was more than a fear of change that had her frozen in place. It was the rootless feeling of being adrift without a goal, or purpose, where her values didn't align with those of others she met - and so she had to choose. To either stay who she was and remain alone, or to adapt to fit with the others - and lose something vital in the process. Awful place to be in, when her greatest fears came down to loneliness and loss of integrity.
Let not light see my black and deep desires
