// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //
Soh's admittance to also being worried sinks like a strange relief. Although it would have been nice to hear that her friend is convinced Flora will bounce back stronger than ever, that it's nothing too worrisome, there's something else to knowing it's not so easy. Kaisel hadn't been certain if he'd been overreacting, Flora has just felt so damn distant, and wrong. He's seen her sad, but this time it felt like he found her broken, and try as he might those parts of her just felt like they shattered more in his hands.
Kaisel glances up from his next bit of paper with a loud sigh. "That's the thing," he admits, words thin as his throat seems to tighten up around them. The weight of feeling like he's the one who fucked it all up, that he ruined everything with Caly, that he made Flora pull away when he'd been trying to help... it's been dragging on him. In part because he stubbornly keeps trying to ignore it and pretend everything is fine, just some sprinkles poured over top everything ugly and hard until it all looks a little nicer, tastes a little better. "I don't know if I can." He shakes his head, then stills for a moment, hanging over his paper with a stare that cuts through it into something distant. "Soh—" he seems to catch himself, fingers tightening over his pen. Saying this out loud, it makes it feel too real.
He needs Soh to understand though, because he's not just telling her that Flora needs her, he's telling her that Flora needs everything Soh can give, because he feels like he can't help make up any of the difference, and he's afraid that when Flora is this fractured, that it might not be enough. "I couldn't stop myself from kissing her. It was too easy to do it again, too simple to just slip back into the way we wer—" he seems to catch himself a bit and runs a weary hand through his hair, ruffling the back of it aggressively.
"I—we, kissed and made love after I left your apartment that night." There's no shame when he says it, just a brittle fear of what that truth means for everything, most of all for Koa. He can't, he won't tell Soh how impactful that'd be on his cousin, because to do so would be admitting to her that Koa just told him he still loves Flora, and Kaisel will be damned if he ruins anything else further than he already has. "The pool party," he clarifies, sitting back a bit more and draping his hands over his pulled up knees, gratitude long since forgotten. "I was worried about her, because she'd been in the middle of it all, so I went to see if she was safe while you helped settle Koa and Noe for the night. She was alright, but trying to stay hidden, so we talked for a bit under the deck of her boat. It got late, and we were both tired and worried and..." He's tried to understand time and time again why he let it happen, when for so long he'd been able to hold it off, to keep back all of this.
"Anyway... we agreed to stay friends, because it's too complicated otherwise. But then when she needed me Soh, when she was hurt and scared, I just fucking kissed her again. She could barely look at me half the time. I'm just fucking it all up now and that's not what she needs." Annoyance, at himself, lances the words with something sharp.
Kaisel glances up from his next bit of paper with a loud sigh. "That's the thing," he admits, words thin as his throat seems to tighten up around them. The weight of feeling like he's the one who fucked it all up, that he ruined everything with Caly, that he made Flora pull away when he'd been trying to help... it's been dragging on him. In part because he stubbornly keeps trying to ignore it and pretend everything is fine, just some sprinkles poured over top everything ugly and hard until it all looks a little nicer, tastes a little better. "I don't know if I can." He shakes his head, then stills for a moment, hanging over his paper with a stare that cuts through it into something distant. "Soh—" he seems to catch himself, fingers tightening over his pen. Saying this out loud, it makes it feel too real.
He needs Soh to understand though, because he's not just telling her that Flora needs her, he's telling her that Flora needs everything Soh can give, because he feels like he can't help make up any of the difference, and he's afraid that when Flora is this fractured, that it might not be enough. "I couldn't stop myself from kissing her. It was too easy to do it again, too simple to just slip back into the way we wer—" he seems to catch himself a bit and runs a weary hand through his hair, ruffling the back of it aggressively.
"I—we, kissed and made love after I left your apartment that night." There's no shame when he says it, just a brittle fear of what that truth means for everything, most of all for Koa. He can't, he won't tell Soh how impactful that'd be on his cousin, because to do so would be admitting to her that Koa just told him he still loves Flora, and Kaisel will be damned if he ruins anything else further than he already has. "The pool party," he clarifies, sitting back a bit more and draping his hands over his pulled up knees, gratitude long since forgotten. "I was worried about her, because she'd been in the middle of it all, so I went to see if she was safe while you helped settle Koa and Noe for the night. She was alright, but trying to stay hidden, so we talked for a bit under the deck of her boat. It got late, and we were both tired and worried and..." He's tried to understand time and time again why he let it happen, when for so long he'd been able to hold it off, to keep back all of this.
"Anyway... we agreed to stay friends, because it's too complicated otherwise. But then when she needed me Soh, when she was hurt and scared, I just fucking kissed her again. She could barely look at me half the time. I'm just fucking it all up now and that's not what she needs." Annoyance, at himself, lances the words with something sharp.
Kaisel
// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //
Wearing a watery blue, faded and stretched-out sparkling hair tie on his left wrist
