the sound of change

ASHE question: how do you make a monster stop feeling so monsterous? you give her something she can hold in her palms without crushing, you give her something sweet and tell her to keep it. Shit. Shit. I’d interrupted something. Of course she has other people to see, others who love her, because who couldn’t— She folds me into a tight embrace, and the breath is swept from my lungs, warmth I never thought I’d feel again encircling me, and gods when was the last time she held me? I think about it so much, too much, and my arms are automatically around her. She smells like home in a way I can’t describe. She isn’t angry. That sticks in my mind when all she says is, ”Tell me everything.” The thrum of her heartbeat is an instinctual comfort, even knowing how temporary it is. I clutch her tighter, and the tears are too hard to hold at bay. ”I’m so sorry,” is all I can manage. ”I’m sorry I left, that I wasn’t there. I should have been there.” I swallow down an outright sob. ”I fucked up.” It’s not the first time I’ve said it to her, and by the gods I wish she could just stick around to hear it again if I do. To help me figure this out. I take a deep, shuddering breath and straighten just a little, looking up at her, at every angle of her face, the matching blue of her eyes, the curve of her mouth and slope of her nose, the way her hair falls around her, everything. ”There are so many things I’ve wanted to tell you. To ask you.” you wipe the blood from her hands you say her name, over and over like an absolution. you forgive her. you forgive her. you forgive.