the sound of change

ASHE question: how do you make a monster stop feeling so monsterous? you give her something she can hold in her palms without crushing, you give her something sweet and tell her to keep it. I don’t have to be convinced to follow her—hells, peeling myself away from her will be a feat all its own. I sit probably too close, and I keep a hand in hers, unwilling to let go. She’s lucky I’m not crawling into her lap. I blink at her mention of Remi and Ronin, quickly casting a glance their way. I’m more exposed than I’ve felt in years, nothing to hide me from the things I’ve been afraid of, the things I’ve run from. I look back at her and shake my head. “Maybe at the end of the party. I don’t want to spoil this for them.” Or.. after. Tomorrow? No time feels like a good time to bust back into their lives, like I’ve got a right to be there. I take a shuddering breath, trying to steady myself as I take her in. “Your granddaughter is here. Theea. She'll want to meet you,” I tell her, managing a smile then. “She's got all the fire and freedom and hope in her. And she looks so much like you, especially since she aged.” I glance around the party then, looking for her, but she’s nearly as good at staying out of sight as I am. “She was fourteen until she met with Frey. More like nineteen now.” I bite my lip and return my attention to Vai. I don’t even know where to start. There’s not enough time in the world for all the things I want to tell her, all the questions I’ve had over the years, learning to be a mother. If she’d been here, would I have done a better job? If I hadn’t been alone in raising her the last four years, would she have stayed? “Kalt is dead,” is the next thing I blurt, and that wound yawns open wide, threatening to swallow me whole. My eyes gutter. “Theea was only eleven, and I tried so hard to be what she needed but I wasn’t.” you wipe the blood from her hands you say her name, over and over like an absolution. you forgive her. you forgive her. you forgive.