i am trying to wander more
The water keeps making and unmaking the same thin gold line and I try to decide if that’s beautiful or maddening. Maea said once that smiles can be enough. I turn the thought over like a shell—smooth on one side, jagged on the other. Enough for what? For who?
Soh’s arrival pulls me up out of it. I lift my head and give her one of those smiles anyway, warm and honest because she’s hers. "Hey, Soh," I say, glad to see her—old roommate, coast-walker, sweater and all. It’s been since the Celestine, and I'd meant to speak to her sooner than this.
Her question lands, a question I'd been wanting to ask her. My smile stutters. I watch my toes bury into the glittering sand until the cold bites and steadies me. I start with the easy answer, feel it catch in my throat, and let it go with a breath. "I… don’t know," I admit, quiet. "I want to say yes. I’m sitting here just enjoying the view after leaving an offering, but—" I tip my chin at the horizon. "I don’t know."
I pull my knees in and rest my arms across them, cheek to sleeve. "Frey aged me up for a reason. I keep thinking if I stand still long enough I’ll hear it—what the reason is. What I have that matters besides… being cheerful at people." A tiny huff of a laugh escapes me. "Smiles help. But I want to do something with teeth. Belong to a role. Mean something to someone that isn’t just a nice day."
I glance back at the lighthouse glow like it might answer. "I’ve thought about calling on Safrin. As the herald of life… I feel like I owe her, and Vi too, for my dad. For him being here to be my dad." My eyes heat, and I blink them clear. "Safrin’s daughter offered to go with me, which makes it both less terrifying and somehow more." A wry twist to my mouth. "What if I ask and I’m just… nothing special? Or worse, I ask and I’m told the thing I’m meant for is something I can’t carry."
I look sideways at her, the surf reflected in her eyes. "You’ve stepped out of big shoes before and found your own path. How did you choose? Or did you just start walking and let the choosing catch up?" I nudge my toes deeper until the sand holds them, as if that counts as an answer. "Because right now I feel like I’m trying to be brave without knowing which direction brave is."
I huff a big breath that puffs out my cheeks, and I give her a sheepish smile. "Sorry. Rambling. As always."
Soh’s arrival pulls me up out of it. I lift my head and give her one of those smiles anyway, warm and honest because she’s hers. "Hey, Soh," I say, glad to see her—old roommate, coast-walker, sweater and all. It’s been since the Celestine, and I'd meant to speak to her sooner than this.
Her question lands, a question I'd been wanting to ask her. My smile stutters. I watch my toes bury into the glittering sand until the cold bites and steadies me. I start with the easy answer, feel it catch in my throat, and let it go with a breath. "I… don’t know," I admit, quiet. "I want to say yes. I’m sitting here just enjoying the view after leaving an offering, but—" I tip my chin at the horizon. "I don’t know."
I pull my knees in and rest my arms across them, cheek to sleeve. "Frey aged me up for a reason. I keep thinking if I stand still long enough I’ll hear it—what the reason is. What I have that matters besides… being cheerful at people." A tiny huff of a laugh escapes me. "Smiles help. But I want to do something with teeth. Belong to a role. Mean something to someone that isn’t just a nice day."
I glance back at the lighthouse glow like it might answer. "I’ve thought about calling on Safrin. As the herald of life… I feel like I owe her, and Vi too, for my dad. For him being here to be my dad." My eyes heat, and I blink them clear. "Safrin’s daughter offered to go with me, which makes it both less terrifying and somehow more." A wry twist to my mouth. "What if I ask and I’m just… nothing special? Or worse, I ask and I’m told the thing I’m meant for is something I can’t carry."
I look sideways at her, the surf reflected in her eyes. "You’ve stepped out of big shoes before and found your own path. How did you choose? Or did you just start walking and let the choosing catch up?" I nudge my toes deeper until the sand holds them, as if that counts as an answer. "Because right now I feel like I’m trying to be brave without knowing which direction brave is."
I huff a big breath that puffs out my cheeks, and I give her a sheepish smile. "Sorry. Rambling. As always."
Theea
i have been trying to breathe more, to love my lostness
