Heart is buried six feet in the ground, gonna need a shovel now
Wandering through the possibilities of what had gone so awry so fast is about as helpful as performing surgery on herself. She can feel each press of the knife as she slides it in, the process messy around the inevitable tremble that arises. Still, she hunts for what she can cut out, whether some flawed part of her she could do without, or just the sections he's grown into like a cancer she's finally become aware of. She still isn't certain about just that, what Sunjata mentioned, knowing exactly what changed. With the soggy mess of her emotions clarity only comes in glimpses, but mostly all of it just feels so terrible and wrong. He had told her something though. It's the thing that's most abrasive in her chest other than his name.
Quiet and cautious, like she's reaching into a rose bush, she lifts her voice from their shared woes into something more direct and wondering. "When you're channeled...do you have to listen to what's been asked of you?" She thought she understood how it works, but she'd never called on someone the way she had him. Never a demigod like him either; usually just spirits that seem made for the very thing she needs, although she rather thought he'd been made for her request too, but seems she'd been so very wrong about that. "Is it...like a leash on your willpower?" If it'd been anything like the taste of Thal's kiss had been for her, she's not sure she can fully blame his response. Doesn't change much about the tune he sauntered away with, or how thoroughly it tore her apart, but she'd take whatever amount of understanding she could get if it'd ease any of the pressure sitting inside her lungs.
She keeps her gaze firmly away from him now, fingers still in the roll of her hair, twisting it back and forth until the sides of skin it slides against go numb to the feeling. It hadn't been the summons alone, that'd been the point about the note. "Think it's still bad even when they tell you why," she admits softly, the response delayed after tossing it back and forth in her mind. Used him he'd accused. She's always known she's selfish, but she still bristles with disagreement at that reason. She'd almost prefer the wondering to that; part of why she keeps tracing other possibilities, jumping for something easier to swallow than the idea she had marred all of this with her own impatience.
She tries to choke it down, the effort spilling fresh tears in silent streams. She turns her head to the side, cheek shifting over his thigh as she stares out into the cabin he's wrapped them in, trying to find enough comfort there to keep the misery from crumbling into another sobbing fit. Through it, she half-heartedly acknowledges how being broken has its own appeal. She doesn't disagree with him, but in this case that's not the approach Vesper had taken. Maybe he'd been too confident he wouldn't get cut by the sharper parts of her, or she didn't realize the way the edges pushed out the more she tried to hold him in the shattered frame of her heart, but he never made her feel like she needed to be whole. He helped her feel that way, sometimes, but he'd been content to let her be, occasionally turning her gaze so she wouldn't miss the sunset for the shadows. The damaged parts took their toll though, and now she's earned even more of them.
Survival tells her not to linger over the shards or Vesper's parting words, so she glances back at Sunjata, grabbing onto the potential of his suffering like it's a force that could smother hers for a little bit. He only offers a peek of it though, smoke instead of substance. "Well shit, if you're not, I think it's hopeless for me." The faintest smile flirts over freshly dulled and dried features, feelings swinging like a pendulum from one range to the next, but there's a subtle lessening to each storm of grief as he gives her distractions and warmth. She'll likely just eventually wear herself out into a bad sleep, a weakness she can already feel settling into her bones now that she's turning into liquid gold across him, finally able to rest and release.
A flash of teeth actually emerges with this smile, her nickname like a light flickering on in the dark, however small and brief before it goes out. It's his professional charm working its magic, she knows, but she has never minded delighting in tricks even when she knows how they work. Still takes the skill to pull them off, and she can appreciate that. A hand rises to thwap his chest with the most mild rebuff possible. "Keep it up Sunjata, and I'll devise more ways to get back at you," she sighs, the sound small but stable, and her tooth catches her smile, keeping it firmly in place as her eyes pinch shut to keep this moment of peace as long as she can.
Quiet and cautious, like she's reaching into a rose bush, she lifts her voice from their shared woes into something more direct and wondering. "When you're channeled...do you have to listen to what's been asked of you?" She thought she understood how it works, but she'd never called on someone the way she had him. Never a demigod like him either; usually just spirits that seem made for the very thing she needs, although she rather thought he'd been made for her request too, but seems she'd been so very wrong about that. "Is it...like a leash on your willpower?" If it'd been anything like the taste of Thal's kiss had been for her, she's not sure she can fully blame his response. Doesn't change much about the tune he sauntered away with, or how thoroughly it tore her apart, but she'd take whatever amount of understanding she could get if it'd ease any of the pressure sitting inside her lungs.
She keeps her gaze firmly away from him now, fingers still in the roll of her hair, twisting it back and forth until the sides of skin it slides against go numb to the feeling. It hadn't been the summons alone, that'd been the point about the note. "Think it's still bad even when they tell you why," she admits softly, the response delayed after tossing it back and forth in her mind. Used him he'd accused. She's always known she's selfish, but she still bristles with disagreement at that reason. She'd almost prefer the wondering to that; part of why she keeps tracing other possibilities, jumping for something easier to swallow than the idea she had marred all of this with her own impatience.
She tries to choke it down, the effort spilling fresh tears in silent streams. She turns her head to the side, cheek shifting over his thigh as she stares out into the cabin he's wrapped them in, trying to find enough comfort there to keep the misery from crumbling into another sobbing fit. Through it, she half-heartedly acknowledges how being broken has its own appeal. She doesn't disagree with him, but in this case that's not the approach Vesper had taken. Maybe he'd been too confident he wouldn't get cut by the sharper parts of her, or she didn't realize the way the edges pushed out the more she tried to hold him in the shattered frame of her heart, but he never made her feel like she needed to be whole. He helped her feel that way, sometimes, but he'd been content to let her be, occasionally turning her gaze so she wouldn't miss the sunset for the shadows. The damaged parts took their toll though, and now she's earned even more of them.
Survival tells her not to linger over the shards or Vesper's parting words, so she glances back at Sunjata, grabbing onto the potential of his suffering like it's a force that could smother hers for a little bit. He only offers a peek of it though, smoke instead of substance. "Well shit, if you're not, I think it's hopeless for me." The faintest smile flirts over freshly dulled and dried features, feelings swinging like a pendulum from one range to the next, but there's a subtle lessening to each storm of grief as he gives her distractions and warmth. She'll likely just eventually wear herself out into a bad sleep, a weakness she can already feel settling into her bones now that she's turning into liquid gold across him, finally able to rest and release.
A flash of teeth actually emerges with this smile, her nickname like a light flickering on in the dark, however small and brief before it goes out. It's his professional charm working its magic, she knows, but she has never minded delighting in tricks even when she knows how they work. Still takes the skill to pull them off, and she can appreciate that. A hand rises to thwap his chest with the most mild rebuff possible. "Keep it up Sunjata, and I'll devise more ways to get back at you," she sighs, the sound small but stable, and her tooth catches her smile, keeping it firmly in place as her eyes pinch shut to keep this moment of peace as long as she can.
Colt
Maybe one day I'll get back the rhythm in my chest
Received a Gilded Market wig from Remi that resembles her usual hair and is enchanted to stay on better than most wigs | has a reverse centaur tattoo on her left hand with the legs going down her pointer and middle fingers that looks like this.
