Zavien
It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk
that keep the darkness at bay.
Other than Koa, Liam was the first person he'd told this story to. And although he hadn't anticipated judgement or disgust for how he'd acted, the absence of it made his shoulders loosen beneath the weight, his breath pushing out in a quiet release of some of that guilt. He respected Liam, respected that he was an honorable man who'd walked a hard path, respected how similar those paths were, respected that he would tell him the truth no matter how hard it was to hear. Because there would be no easy guilt-freeing solution as he naively might have hoped.
Time. It always came down to time.
He'd loved Lena. Her loss had been sudden and painful to the point that he'd been thrown from his course and purpose. They'd left so much unsaid and so much undone. She was a light that had been dimmed too soon, a pillar to his life that left him struggling to stand. He'd grieved her and what they'd lost. He'd tried to think of what she'd want him to do in light of her death, but he'd also spent too much time pushing it down, focusing so much on the city and his people that when it had surfaced with Soh... he hadn't been prepared. Maybe Zavien had thought he'd never have the opportunity to feel love again, that he wouldn't need to confront these feelings beyond the passing moments of grief, that he wouldn't need to reassure himself that Lena would want that for him.
And yet, Soh had snuck in. He'd tried to ignore it, to put loyalty and consideration above his own feelings, to pretend that it was nothing more than friendship. But friends didn't kiss friends, and he'd been forced to admit all the emotions he'd buried low in his mind.
Acknowledging the feelings had only made them stronger as Soh proved exactly why they'd developed to begin with. She'd reassured and validated and comforted in all the ways he'd needed, softening his heart until he couldn't deny that he wanted nothing more than to be with her - even if it meant facing his fears and the darker thoughts that arose. It was worth it. She was worth it.
Having come to that conclusion, Zavien nodded at Liam's sage advice. Lena might have wanted him to find happiness again, and he was willing to work through his own guilt, but something else still nagged at him. He shifted in his chair, not having touched the food since it arrived. "It's still new, but things with Soh just feel... right. It wasn't like this with Lena. I don't - " His lips pursed, more upset with himself and the confusion than anything else. "I don't know how to feel about that."
Eyebrows furrowed, the haunting questions flowed before he could stop them. "If I really loved Lena, wouldn't I have tried harder? Why didn't I ask Remi if I could speak with her? Why did I accept her death so easily?" He hated the thought of not just replacing Lena but caring more for Soh than he ever did for her, because she had deserved better than that, and he shouldn't be allowed to be happier with her gone.
Time. It always came down to time.
He'd loved Lena. Her loss had been sudden and painful to the point that he'd been thrown from his course and purpose. They'd left so much unsaid and so much undone. She was a light that had been dimmed too soon, a pillar to his life that left him struggling to stand. He'd grieved her and what they'd lost. He'd tried to think of what she'd want him to do in light of her death, but he'd also spent too much time pushing it down, focusing so much on the city and his people that when it had surfaced with Soh... he hadn't been prepared. Maybe Zavien had thought he'd never have the opportunity to feel love again, that he wouldn't need to confront these feelings beyond the passing moments of grief, that he wouldn't need to reassure himself that Lena would want that for him.
And yet, Soh had snuck in. He'd tried to ignore it, to put loyalty and consideration above his own feelings, to pretend that it was nothing more than friendship. But friends didn't kiss friends, and he'd been forced to admit all the emotions he'd buried low in his mind.
Acknowledging the feelings had only made them stronger as Soh proved exactly why they'd developed to begin with. She'd reassured and validated and comforted in all the ways he'd needed, softening his heart until he couldn't deny that he wanted nothing more than to be with her - even if it meant facing his fears and the darker thoughts that arose. It was worth it. She was worth it.
Having come to that conclusion, Zavien nodded at Liam's sage advice. Lena might have wanted him to find happiness again, and he was willing to work through his own guilt, but something else still nagged at him. He shifted in his chair, not having touched the food since it arrived. "It's still new, but things with Soh just feel... right. It wasn't like this with Lena. I don't - " His lips pursed, more upset with himself and the confusion than anything else. "I don't know how to feel about that."
Eyebrows furrowed, the haunting questions flowed before he could stop them. "If I really loved Lena, wouldn't I have tried harder? Why didn't I ask Remi if I could speak with her? Why did I accept her death so easily?" He hated the thought of not just replacing Lena but caring more for Soh than he ever did for her, because she had deserved better than that, and he shouldn't be allowed to be happier with her gone.
