Zavien
Soh's words hit him like a sack of rotten potatoes in his stomach. "Oh." Flora was her best friend, he was sure they'd talked about it, about how stupid Zavien was. He got the feeling Flora was the kind to laugh it off, talk about how she'd 'forgiven' him and that it was no big deal now that he wasn't the leader of anything. It would just be a funny story to tell about how Zavien had tried to ruin her marriage before it had even begun, but how she'd managed to put him in his place and prove him wrong. How it didn't matter.
The thoughts were acrid, the burn of insult and embarrassment already rising in preparation for what Soh might say, how her opinion of him had changed. He braced for the eventual distance, wondering how she'd managed to sit here this long knowing what Flora thought about him. The pain was already brewing, stealing the warmth of his body as if to show him how it would feel when Soh left.
But she tucked closer to his side, her words shattering the mounting storm with so much force that his throat tightened as he took a deep breath. Not only had she heard the story from Flora and still come here, she agreed with him. He couldn't quite comprehend it, stunned into wondering what version she'd heard, or why she thought there were sides to be had. Zavien wasn't standing alone against them in some feud, using anger or righteousness as his weapons. This wasn't some battle he was gathering reinforcements for.
And yet, knowing that he wasn't alone was like finding her hand in the cold dark of a cave, the warmth of her touch enough to brighten the lonely space he'd stumbled into but couldn't find his way out of.
For a moment, he considered nodding and letting everything end there. Maybe it would save Soh some of the heartbreak to know how he'd felt.
But maybe it would only turn her against her friends if she thought he still held unresolved anger.
Taking a deep breath, Zavien's voice turned heavy with exhausted emotions. "I guess I'm just... confused," he started. "All Kai had asked was that I not tell Koa. It's so simple and easy, but... I knew Koa would feel betrayed and I didn't want to add to that by being someone he couldn't trust." And there was a fine line between 'not telling' and 'lying' that Zavien hadn't wanted to cross. "So I agreed but added the stipulation that I wouldn't lie if Koa decided to ask me directly about it." It seemed stupid now. He'd been told it was stupid. But it still felt wrong to have agreed with Kai while not clarifying the one case he'd be forced to break that promise. Zavien prided himself on being someone people could trust, on caring about those close to him. Who would he be if he wasn't 100% honest with the people around him - Kai included?
"Kai's always been hot-headed, and I knew he liked Flora, but Soh," he shook his head, saddened to remember what had happened next, "he panicked." The way Kai had immediately rushed on the offense had thrown him, like a caged animal suddenly lunging at the bars with teeth and fangs swinging indiscriminately. "He started raising his voice and accusing me of being dishonorable, which - fine, whatever. I got that he was scared. He liked Flora and didn't want to further damage his relationship with Koa. I get that," he emphasized, trying to understand at least some of Kai's reaction. However, the more he continued, the more confused he became, his words slowing as he said, "But then he twisted something I'd said - about not knowing if Lena and I were ready for marriage yet - and he threatened to lie to her and say I didn't want to marry her." Even at the time that hadn't been true - simply because it hadn't been a point of discussion in their relationship - and yet Kai's threat continued to cut now that Lena was gone, reminding him of the ways he'd failed her, having gained more ground to sew doubts in his new relationship.
Pain lanced through his heart, pulling his chin down as he grappled with the emotions. "I just..." Rather than wallow in the self-doubt the topic had unearthed, his focus returned to the fight and why it still bothered him, why it had stuck despite the positive outcome. "That hurt. That he would willingly hurt my relationship after I'd agreed to help him. I didn't want to get between him and Koa. I didn't want to cause more damage by being the one to break the news. But I also refused to be someone Koa couldn't trust. Why did that mean he had to go after Lena?" His voice had turned quieter, minimized by what had felt like betrayal of someone he thought he knew. "Even as panicked as he was, his response was to cause more harm for others, and I didn't feel like I could trust him anymore."
As for Flora, Zavien winced, knowing that this part was mostly his fault. "Then I made the mistake of thinking Flora might want to know her boyfriend had a habit of making promises of assistance on her behalf then threatening her fellow political leaders." A pathetic excuse for a laugh squeezed from his chest as he shook his head. "I was such an idiot. I should have just let it go."
But he hadn't.
Clenching his jaw against the memory, he explained, "She accused me of making something personal political, said I had no right to tell Koa ever because there are ways to not tell him without lying, and politely reminded me that I was the new leader of the weakest region while she was the strongest." Pain had become a constant companion at this point, overflowing in the green of his eyes and the cold twitch of his hands. "It felt like a threat and an insult wrapped in one," he whispered, remembering the cold fear and anxiety when he realized what Flora could and would do if she thought he'd insulted her or Kai. She might not have been the first to make the personal political, but she'd made it clear she could win if she did. That had been a cruel awakening and a brutal lesson for him to learn, and left him with a bitter taste in his mouth. "Even when I later apologized to clear the air, she just accepted it and moved on, offering condolences for Lena and Stormbreak's imminent fall, but... they weren't comforting when all I could think about was how ruthless she'd been."
Shaking his head, he was quick to reassure Soh. "I don't want to come between you and Flora - and I won't. She's your best friend and Kai's her husband and you're living in her house, so I'm sure you'll hang out with them a lot." And he wouldn't blame her. He didn't expect to be the center of her world, for her to cut off the rest of her support system over his sensitive feelings and dumb disagreement.
Pursing his lips, Zavien looked down, knowing that what he said next wasn't going to make her feel any better. Still, he needed her to know the truth, because even after honesty had damaged his relationships with Kai and Flora, he would not lie to her. So he took another deep breath and resigned himself to whatever may come. "But after being on the receiving end of their tempers and never hearing any remorse for their words... I'm not sure they're the kind of people I want to be around." He'd do it if she asked, continue to put aside the hurt they caused if it would make her happy, but there was a sadness to his voice. He felt like he'd lost two friends, two people he thought he could trust, two people who had proven they thought less of him than he'd thought.
The thoughts were acrid, the burn of insult and embarrassment already rising in preparation for what Soh might say, how her opinion of him had changed. He braced for the eventual distance, wondering how she'd managed to sit here this long knowing what Flora thought about him. The pain was already brewing, stealing the warmth of his body as if to show him how it would feel when Soh left.
But she tucked closer to his side, her words shattering the mounting storm with so much force that his throat tightened as he took a deep breath. Not only had she heard the story from Flora and still come here, she agreed with him. He couldn't quite comprehend it, stunned into wondering what version she'd heard, or why she thought there were sides to be had. Zavien wasn't standing alone against them in some feud, using anger or righteousness as his weapons. This wasn't some battle he was gathering reinforcements for.
And yet, knowing that he wasn't alone was like finding her hand in the cold dark of a cave, the warmth of her touch enough to brighten the lonely space he'd stumbled into but couldn't find his way out of.
For a moment, he considered nodding and letting everything end there. Maybe it would save Soh some of the heartbreak to know how he'd felt.
But maybe it would only turn her against her friends if she thought he still held unresolved anger.
Taking a deep breath, Zavien's voice turned heavy with exhausted emotions. "I guess I'm just... confused," he started. "All Kai had asked was that I not tell Koa. It's so simple and easy, but... I knew Koa would feel betrayed and I didn't want to add to that by being someone he couldn't trust." And there was a fine line between 'not telling' and 'lying' that Zavien hadn't wanted to cross. "So I agreed but added the stipulation that I wouldn't lie if Koa decided to ask me directly about it." It seemed stupid now. He'd been told it was stupid. But it still felt wrong to have agreed with Kai while not clarifying the one case he'd be forced to break that promise. Zavien prided himself on being someone people could trust, on caring about those close to him. Who would he be if he wasn't 100% honest with the people around him - Kai included?
"Kai's always been hot-headed, and I knew he liked Flora, but Soh," he shook his head, saddened to remember what had happened next, "he panicked." The way Kai had immediately rushed on the offense had thrown him, like a caged animal suddenly lunging at the bars with teeth and fangs swinging indiscriminately. "He started raising his voice and accusing me of being dishonorable, which - fine, whatever. I got that he was scared. He liked Flora and didn't want to further damage his relationship with Koa. I get that," he emphasized, trying to understand at least some of Kai's reaction. However, the more he continued, the more confused he became, his words slowing as he said, "But then he twisted something I'd said - about not knowing if Lena and I were ready for marriage yet - and he threatened to lie to her and say I didn't want to marry her." Even at the time that hadn't been true - simply because it hadn't been a point of discussion in their relationship - and yet Kai's threat continued to cut now that Lena was gone, reminding him of the ways he'd failed her, having gained more ground to sew doubts in his new relationship.
Pain lanced through his heart, pulling his chin down as he grappled with the emotions. "I just..." Rather than wallow in the self-doubt the topic had unearthed, his focus returned to the fight and why it still bothered him, why it had stuck despite the positive outcome. "That hurt. That he would willingly hurt my relationship after I'd agreed to help him. I didn't want to get between him and Koa. I didn't want to cause more damage by being the one to break the news. But I also refused to be someone Koa couldn't trust. Why did that mean he had to go after Lena?" His voice had turned quieter, minimized by what had felt like betrayal of someone he thought he knew. "Even as panicked as he was, his response was to cause more harm for others, and I didn't feel like I could trust him anymore."
As for Flora, Zavien winced, knowing that this part was mostly his fault. "Then I made the mistake of thinking Flora might want to know her boyfriend had a habit of making promises of assistance on her behalf then threatening her fellow political leaders." A pathetic excuse for a laugh squeezed from his chest as he shook his head. "I was such an idiot. I should have just let it go."
But he hadn't.
Clenching his jaw against the memory, he explained, "She accused me of making something personal political, said I had no right to tell Koa ever because there are ways to not tell him without lying, and politely reminded me that I was the new leader of the weakest region while she was the strongest." Pain had become a constant companion at this point, overflowing in the green of his eyes and the cold twitch of his hands. "It felt like a threat and an insult wrapped in one," he whispered, remembering the cold fear and anxiety when he realized what Flora could and would do if she thought he'd insulted her or Kai. She might not have been the first to make the personal political, but she'd made it clear she could win if she did. That had been a cruel awakening and a brutal lesson for him to learn, and left him with a bitter taste in his mouth. "Even when I later apologized to clear the air, she just accepted it and moved on, offering condolences for Lena and Stormbreak's imminent fall, but... they weren't comforting when all I could think about was how ruthless she'd been."
Shaking his head, he was quick to reassure Soh. "I don't want to come between you and Flora - and I won't. She's your best friend and Kai's her husband and you're living in her house, so I'm sure you'll hang out with them a lot." And he wouldn't blame her. He didn't expect to be the center of her world, for her to cut off the rest of her support system over his sensitive feelings and dumb disagreement.
Pursing his lips, Zavien looked down, knowing that what he said next wasn't going to make her feel any better. Still, he needed her to know the truth, because even after honesty had damaged his relationships with Kai and Flora, he would not lie to her. So he took another deep breath and resigned himself to whatever may come. "But after being on the receiving end of their tempers and never hearing any remorse for their words... I'm not sure they're the kind of people I want to be around." He'd do it if she asked, continue to put aside the hurt they caused if it would make her happy, but there was a sadness to his voice. He felt like he'd lost two friends, two people he thought he could trust, two people who had proven they thought less of him than he'd thought.
If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.
start paving another.
