Call it what you want

The alchemist watched the cringe contort Sam's pale features. Distantly he wondered what to do with his hand; did this situation call for more or less of a touch? Did Sam want Remi to recoil? Or to comfort physically? Wait. What was he thinking. It didn't matter what he did with his hand. That was precisely the problem. "No, of course it is not a problem." Remi said immediately, one of his cheeks dimpling slightly with a crooked and concerned smile. He wanted to learn? Remi stifled the urge to collapse and bury his face against the stone floor. Sam's willingness made him feel all the more monstrous for it. Though truthfully the worst of all, was that even though Sam couldn't even pretend to replicate the feelings that Remi wanted to create within him and those he was feeling himself, part of him still wanted to go ahead anyways. Remi had never been emotionally or sexually lonely before, as he'd never let anyone in. Now that he had and felt the chasm-like absence of that sort of connection, he desperately wanted it back, as evidence by his low blood pressure, dropping body temperature, and slyly considering thoughts. But he wouldn't. Couldn't. Remi was stronger than this; he had to be. "Come here Sam." Remi whispered gently, leaning back into a sitting position against the wall, but offering his hand to the ascended to try and draw him up alongside him. If Sam took it, Remi wouldn't let it go, but would instead turn his palm right-side up to regard it silently for a moment. "It is not that I do not want to—" Remi began, colour in his cheeks that made the green of his eyes look all the more pale for it. "—but it is one thing to remember what this feels like—" So saying he ran his thumb against the man's palm. "—but having sex with someone...I..." Helplessly Remi fumbled for the words but found them lacking. If Sam couldn't feel it—nor even know what it was like—his willingness made him no better than Remi's own hand in some ways. Worse even, because of that damned eagerness on his face. "If I am the only one experiencing it...it is not..." Helplessly he looked up at the dark roof of the cave, biting the inside of his lip and cursing his utter and complete lack of vocabulary. Softly turning his gaze back to the man (hopefully) at his side, the alchemist shrugged sadly. "..it is not what it is meant to be." REMI Traded my soul to free my mind, "can I go back to being blind?" I ask myself one too many times