Saartjie
After the way they had both been brought up it didn't surprise her when Sunjata confessed to being terrified about being a father. The dread and fear she had felt when discovering her own pregnancy had made her heart race and her blood run cold. It had taken her far too long to stop trembling and gather her wits to even begin trying to figure out what she was going to do about it. What did take her by surprise was that he had been married before Nate. Her head tilted and one delicate eyebrow lifted. "Twice?" Of course that brought forth more questions, but those could be saved for later when they were on a less serious subject.
"You're not him." Saartjie murmured, but she'd held the same fears and worries. No matter how much they ran neither of them could run away from the fact that Shaju was part of who they were. His blood ran in their veins. His teachings were engrained in their minds. Even though he was dead he still affected their lives. There had been times when she'd seen Sunjata's anger turn into rage, but even the he fell far short of Shaju. There was no way that she could ever see Jata turning into the man that had terrorized them for their entire lives. Their mother's influence and the love she had given them had saved them from becoming monsters.
A heavy sight slipped past Saar's lips and she looked down at her hands, not realizing that she had clenched them together as they had begun talking about Shaju. The questions that Jata agonized over were the same ones that Saar did. It was heartbreaking as a child to wonder what you had done so wrong that your father hated you. Admittedly, even as an adult it hurt to know your father didn't love you and still not know why. "I don't think he knew how to love anything." She finally said. Maybe it came from the way he was raised or maybe he was the narcissistic sociopath she believed him to be.
"I don't know why he didn't love us, Jata. Or why he didn't want to protect us." She finally looked up from her hands and to her brother. Really, she wished that she could give him an answer to soothe his soul, but she really didn't know. "But you're nothing like him, Jata." This was said with a fierceness that was typically absent in her voice. "Nothing. Like. Him." She said again, just to drive the point home. Reaching out, Saartjie placed her hand on Jata's arm. "You're more like mom than you realize." Her head tilted and she smiled. "You smile just like her. And your eyes almost sparkle when you laugh, just like hers did. You even have the same gentle touch she did and the same comforting aura." There were many times when they would sneak out at night and something would startle her or she would fall and scrape her knee and Jata would tend to her.
Her hand moved from Jata's arm to his chest and she could feel the steady beating of his heart. "You have a beautiful heart, Jata." She said earnestly -- and he did. He was always trying to protect everyone and always trying to do the right thing. "Mama taught us how to love and to follow our hearts. If you hold onto what she taught us, to her, you'll never be the kind of father to Kamaria that Shaju was to us."
"You're not him." Saartjie murmured, but she'd held the same fears and worries. No matter how much they ran neither of them could run away from the fact that Shaju was part of who they were. His blood ran in their veins. His teachings were engrained in their minds. Even though he was dead he still affected their lives. There had been times when she'd seen Sunjata's anger turn into rage, but even the he fell far short of Shaju. There was no way that she could ever see Jata turning into the man that had terrorized them for their entire lives. Their mother's influence and the love she had given them had saved them from becoming monsters.
A heavy sight slipped past Saar's lips and she looked down at her hands, not realizing that she had clenched them together as they had begun talking about Shaju. The questions that Jata agonized over were the same ones that Saar did. It was heartbreaking as a child to wonder what you had done so wrong that your father hated you. Admittedly, even as an adult it hurt to know your father didn't love you and still not know why. "I don't think he knew how to love anything." She finally said. Maybe it came from the way he was raised or maybe he was the narcissistic sociopath she believed him to be.
"I don't know why he didn't love us, Jata. Or why he didn't want to protect us." She finally looked up from her hands and to her brother. Really, she wished that she could give him an answer to soothe his soul, but she really didn't know. "But you're nothing like him, Jata." This was said with a fierceness that was typically absent in her voice. "Nothing. Like. Him." She said again, just to drive the point home. Reaching out, Saartjie placed her hand on Jata's arm. "You're more like mom than you realize." Her head tilted and she smiled. "You smile just like her. And your eyes almost sparkle when you laugh, just like hers did. You even have the same gentle touch she did and the same comforting aura." There were many times when they would sneak out at night and something would startle her or she would fall and scrape her knee and Jata would tend to her.
Her hand moved from Jata's arm to his chest and she could feel the steady beating of his heart. "You have a beautiful heart, Jata." She said earnestly -- and he did. He was always trying to protect everyone and always trying to do the right thing. "Mama taught us how to love and to follow our hearts. If you hold onto what she taught us, to her, you'll never be the kind of father to Kamaria that Shaju was to us."
but close my eyes for a while
and force from the world a patient smile
and force from the world a patient smile
