i might as well be drunk in love

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

If Soh was older and wiser, perhaps she would never have approached Koa with this idea; perhaps she would have determined that the greater good was more important than any one person, particularly one seemingly insignificant girl. But Soh was neither old nor wise, and she’d always been a little selfish, and so she’d managed to justify to herself that curing Noe was the right thing to do.

Not, of course, because she was still not over Koa - but because Noe was a person in need of saving, worthy of it in her own right.

And, to be fair, both things could be true - but that was a nuance that Soh was not going to look at too closely, for fear of ruining the newly blossomed friendship that she had come to hold so dear.

But even though she felt justified in wanting to help cure Noe, Koa’s words did give her pause. She watched as he dropped his gaze to their intertwined hands, listened as he whispered the truth to her in a ruined voice that made her want to gather him up in her arms. Swallowing hard, Soh took a moment to answer, but when she did, it was with a quiet, gentle conviction. ”It may not be physically ours, but Koa… it’s still our home. It’s still our region to protect. Look - I’m not - I’m not a fighter. I can’t go up against the Family or the Void and expect to win. But this - this is something I can do, and even a little blow against them has to be better than nothing, right? And taking Noe back - I mean, sure, she might seem happy and safe, but we have no idea what they have planned for people who are infected.” Whether they intended to use them and discard them, or kill them, or gods only knew what. She couldn’t - wouldn’t - take that chance, not with someone she knew she could save.

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

He slumps forward, leaning on his forearms, as though pressed down by the weight of responsibility. It's desperately heavy across his shoulders, worsened by the nagging fear that this is a terribly selfish thing they're choosing, that anyone else would tell him it's wrong. And then there's the other part, the prickling, electric, almost-impossible-to-look-at idea that she's doing it for him- but that's too complicated a knot of emotion for him to even acknowledge just now.

Better to focus on their entwined fingers (but not too hard), to let himself be swayed along by Sohalia's quiet conviction. She's making very valid arguments, each word coaxing him to relent. By the time she finishes a fragment of the tension has slid off of his shoulders, exhaled in a shaky breath. Rubbing his thumb back over her knuckle, Koa tilts his head up again, unable to keep the hope from his face, his copper eyes searching her quicksilver gaze for the final confirmation he needs. "Are you sure this is what you want, Soh?"

He he needs to know that she's doing it because it's what she believes in - that she won't regret it, isn't doing it due to some misplaced sense of guilt around their past.

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

Soh hadn’t anticipated such a fight from Koa, though in retrospect she supposed she should have. He was selfless through and through, a living embodiment of what it meant to put others first. Not like her. She was selfish, too concerned with herself and not with the greater good. But this didn’t feel selfish. It felt like a step in the right direction - a small step, but a step nevertheless. And that had to count for something.

So when Koa looked up at her with hope in his copper eyes, she smiled, and there wasn’t a hint of doubt in her voice when she said, ”I’m sure.”

And she meant it with every fiber of her being. It wasn’t guilt, not really, but rather a deep sense of caring - for Koa, for Stormbreak, for any infected person, really. For anyone who felt like she did: like they were small and unworthy in the grand order of things. And maybe it was stupid, or naive, or not very leader-like, but this was something she had to do. For Koa, but also a little bit for herself.

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

Well, Koa tried.

It's the final push the Dragoon needs to give up on his fight. He tried to be selfless, tried to put the world first, but fuck it - time to ball. "Okay." He nods, hesitant at first and then more firmly as the last of his resistance ebbs. "Okay. Fuck, yeah, okay. Let's- yeah."

He's leaning forward in his chair, hands clutched tightly around Soh's. There's color in his cheeks, a flare of excited determination; his gleam incandescent with the fervor of youthful hope. "So what do we need to do? What did Vi ask for?" The tension in his body has shifted tune, and he appears ready to leap out the door at the slightest invitation, their lunch plans be damned. Now that he's been convinced that she's doing this because she wants to the Dragoon is all-in: ready to treat this quest with as much reverence as the most important assignment he's ever been given, because in a sense, it is.

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

Yes, yes, Koa; valiant effort. But for once, Sohalia was immovable, determined beyond all rational thought to do this thing. And she'd even convinced herself that it was the right thing to do, even with the rest of Caido in the balance.

Finally, Koa agreed, and Soh lit up, a smile spreading across her face at his sudden enthusiasm. This was going to work. She knew it in her very soul, as sure as though it had already happened. Releasing Koa's hands with one of her own, she reached into a pocket and pulled out a short list that she'd penned directly after her meeting with Vi. "Okay, so, I have to do a selfless deed, protect someone or something, and collect soil from the Greatwood." Collecting soil would be easy enough, but the other two items on her list would require some thought - and some luck.

"And I have to create life," she added, pocketing the list once more. And, gods bless this poor, naive child - for she didn't even pause to think that there were other ways to create life than to plant something.

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

At last he releases Sohalia's hands, though the absence feels sorely cold. Ignoring this, he grabs the edges of his chair and scoots around the table until they're sitting nearly adjacent, ignoring the look of annoyance a fae waitress flashes his way. Shoulder-to-shoulder they look at the list, Koa nodding along as Soh reads aloud. "Soil, that's easy. And protecting something - heck, walk ten feet into the forest and I guarantee we'll find something you could protect me from." He laughs, but there's truth behind it. He fucking hates the woods.

"Selflessness? Also easy. That's just a Tuesday for you." Again he laughs, rich with fondness, the compliment as natural as it is sincere.

It isn't until the last one that Koa balks, drawing back a touch while once again a cast of feelings plays across his face. Confusion morphs to disbelief morphs to embarrassed incredulity; "'Create life?'" he repeats, looking at Soh to confirm he's understood. She seems blissfully unperturbed by the implications he's read into, and he tries very hard not to say it, but the question still tumbles out, stilted by laughter and doubt. "Like... what, having a kid?" No way that's right, not with how she's reacting.

And wouldn't that take, like, forever?

And who would she even have a kid with?

And why does that question bother him so much?

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

Soh's eyes flew open wide as she stared at Koa as though he'd grown another head. While, yes, now that he said it, she supposed that could be one interpretation for Vi's tasks, that had certainly been the furthest thing from her mind. "No!" she said, a little too quickly, with a nervous laugh. "At least, I hope not? I was planning to grow something - you know, like a plant?" But now that she considered, would that be enough for the God of Life? Eyes still wide, with a touch of panic evident in Soh's face, she hurried on. "You don't think - surely that's not - I mean, a plant should work, right?"

Surely, surely Vi hadn't meant that she needed to get pregnant. Although, now that she thought about it... when she'd slept with Ace, they hadn't used protection. What if she already was? Soh felt ill for a moment before remembering that she'd gotten her period already in the time between, and then felt a keen sense of relief. Gods only knew how she'd manage to explain that!

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

"Oh. Okay. That... makes a lot more sense." Relief and embarrassment flare in Koa's face; he laughs, the muscles in his arm flexing as he rubs the back of his neck. Growing a plant is far more reasonable, and logical as well. What the hell is wrong with him, that he jumped immediately to pregnancy?

And why does the idea of Soh as a mom make him feel both hopeful and aghast? Especially when he thinks about the mechanics that would lead to such a thing, and the implication that Soh is sleeping with someone; an idea which does not make Koa jealous because he has no right to be bothered by it and Soh is a gorgeous and independent young woman who can hook up with whomever she wants, the thought of which does not leave Koa's stomach coiling or fill him with a strange desire to punch this mysterious and potentially fictional (but also fine if it's not!) individual in the face--

Alright, kiddo. Reel it in.

"Right. Soooooo." His attempt a nonchalance is thoroughly belied by the heat that still stains his face, the almost shyness in his boyish smile as he glances back at Soh. Soh, who is good and kind and thoroughly selfless, who's sitting close enough for their thighs to be touching, and has it always been this hot in here? It's as though the thought of her with someone else has cracked the seal on his carefully bottled desires, leaving him desperately aware of the flyaway locks of hair on her face, the tan lines on her supple neck, the way her blouse hangs just loose enough to catch the curve of a supple--

Nope, nope, none of that. Get it together, boy. Koa clears his throat and then stares at the table, unsure where else to look."Well, sounds straightforward enough." The grain on the the wood is fascinating, isn't it? Wood, man. Firm, eager, graspable----

Oh, fuck. He's done for.

Shifting slightly in his seat, he digs down into dredges of his self-control, valiantly meeting Sohalia's eyes. "So what's first on the list?" Maybe if they get going on doing something productive, he can stop these deeply unproductive and intrusive thoughts.

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

Right, no need for pregnancy. No need for more sex. Not with Ace, certainly, but not with Koa, either, no matter how close he was sitting, or how his gaze caught on her (because she had to be imagining that, right?), or how desperately she wished she could close the scant distance between them (because that's not what friends do, now, is it?).

Now they were both looking at the table, and there was a decidedly uncomfortable moment in which Soh wasn't entirely sure what to say or do, because no matter what it was, it seemed like a bad idea.

Fortunately for the Luminary, Koa seemed ready and willing to move things along, and her relief as he steered them back on track was nearly palpable. "Right! Um, well, I thought I'd go look for some seeds and planting supplies in the market after lunch, since growing a plant might take a little time." More time, theoretically, than the rest of her tasks. "Do you want to come?"

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

"Yes! Of course!" Oh, gods, is his voice always that loud? Clearing his throat, Koa forces his voice down a notch, though nothing can erase the color from his ears. "After lunch. Which we should probably order soon, before the waitress kicks us out." He laughs and glances toward the waitress, boyish half-smile playfully chagrined as she pointedly meets his gaze. The pink-haired fairy waits for him to scoot his chair back into place before flitting forward with a bored expression, asking dryly if they're finally ready to eat.

The rest of the lunch is spent discussing possible seedlings and their merits, a conversation to which Koa can contribute very little practical knowledge, but an overabundance of enthusiasm. The overcompensation is palpable, earning a tittering commentary from two elderly fae ladies at the opposite table who have been quite enjoying the show.

The meal concluded and the bill paid, Koa downs the last of his coffee and lowers the cup with a satisfied clack. "Alright then, shall we?" he asks, pushing back from the table and rising up to stand. Copper eyes gleaming with enthusiasm, he waits for Soh to lead the way. She's got a much better idea of where they're going than she is; he is only too happy to act as her humble servant, the loyal knight to his radiant queen.

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

Koa’s enthusiasm was catching, as was the color staining his ears, but Soh’s blush faded as their lunch went on, debating the merits of this plant versus that. The Luminary was not what we might call talented in the gardening field, but she was sure that she could manage to grow something simple - right? After all, all she needed to do was put the seeds in some soil, water them, and make sure they got enough sunlight. That sounded simple enough. At least in theory.

Ignoring the elderly Fae ladies who appeared to think that their conversation was very interesting indeed (and who, perhaps, were judging the two humans’ lack of knowledge about plants), Sohalia pushed back from the table, leaving the money for her meal before leading the way towards the market. ”Okay, so, hopefully one of the shopkeepers down this way can make some suggestions…”

They stopped at a few different stalls before finding one who was willing to give recommendations to outsiders. This particular Fae was a portly, older man with kind eyes, and he offered a variety of suggestions for types of flower that might grow well and quickly. … and then there are forget-me-nots, of course, which are easy to grow from seeds - he was saying. Soh blinked. ”Oh! Forget-me-nots would be lovely!” she said, studiously avoiding Koa’s gaze. He probably didn’t even remember what kind of flowers were in the bouquet he’d offered her.

With the selection made, Soh bartered for the seeds, some soil, and a pot, then wrote down some tips and instructions from the merchant to ensure success in her endeavors to grow the flowers. Then she led the way from the market, where they could actually plant the seeds. ”Okay, here,” she said, selecting a little picnic table off the path that could serve as a work bench for the time being. Shooting a brilliant smile at Koa, she said, ”So I’ll have to find somewhere with partial shade to put these, but I think it’ll work. Right?”

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

Koa is thoroughly content to follow Sohalia through the marketplace, chivalrously carrying her purchases as she stocks up on seeds, soil, and pot. He's a bit distracted by all there is to see, but the sound of 'Forget-me-nots' has his head whipping back; he blinks hard at Sohalia, memories crashing against him like a tidal wave, but if she remembers the role the flowers played in their history then she gives no indication. It leaves him feeling strangely disappointed, some of the afternoon's brilliant warmth eclipsed by cloud. Whatever hopeful, tentative inclination he may have been feeling that they could be something more wilts inside him.

It's hard to be a himbo, and at the end of the day, he's still just Kenoa.

Where he sees love, she sees a friend.

He rallies well, though, biting down the disappointment and bolstering his smile. Maybe he's a little quieter as they settle on the bench, letting Sohalia take the lead and listening with appropriately timed nods. "Seems like a good plan to me," the boy agrees. "I'm going to be travelling a bit over the next couple weeks - gotta check on home, and then I was thinking I'd spend some time in King's End. But maybe in a month we can meet back up, see how our little plant child is doing?" He winks playfully, maybe overcompensating a little as his emotional roller coaster continues to dip and spin.

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu

Sohalia

Say my name
And every color illuminates

Lack of communication, apparently, will forever be the story of our little not-couple, because for every assumption that Sohalia made about what Koa did or did not remember, he made one right back about what she did or did not mean. Her selection of forget-me-nots was entirely intentional, and had Koa asked, she might have revealed why; but it wasn’t his responsibility to ask. Perhaps if she’d asked his opinion, or even snuck a glance in his direction… but no. She was trying too hard to stick to his just-friends rule. Or her just-friends rule.

Whoever’s rule it was, it was stupid.

Feeling a bit morose, Soh was further dismayed to find that Koa would be leaving. She bit down a sense of panic - would he leave and never come back? Would he return infected? Or any other manner of things that Caido could inflict upon him - and nodded along with his explanation. Still, she couldn’t help the disappointment that flashed across her face at the timeline. ”A month?” she murmured, focusing her efforts on filling the pot with soil. Gods, why did that feel like such a long time? Was it that she had gotten used to spending time with Koa here, where things were so nice and simple between them? Or maybe she wondered if he would forget about her when he ventured back into the world? Not, of course, that she was anything special to him. Why shouldn’t he go out and explore and find someone new?

All of this passed her mind in the space of a few heartbeats before she forced her eyes to meet Koa’s, matching his playful wink with an overbright smile. ”Right, of course! You’ll have to see it before I take it to Vi!” She placed a handful of seeds in the pot before covering them with soil, working in silence for a moment before peering back up at Koa. There were so many things that she wanted to say - and so much between them that prevented her from saying any of it.

Her gaze flickered back to the forget-me-not seeds, and she bit her lip with indecision. Then she swallowed hard. ”I’ll miss you,” she offered softly, not exactly an admission of love, but something more all the same.

We are shining
And we will never be afraid again

I couldn't utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

"Is that not long enough?" Koa asks anxiously, deeply misinterpreting Sohalia's dismay. Knowing very little of the raising of plants, he'd thought a month would be ample time - too long, even, maybe. Certainly when there's so much on the line, with Noe infected and the world in danger and Sohalia ever just out of reach.

He'd also figured it might give him time to move on from the lingering feelings he refuses to acknowledge that he still holds, the crushing hope for a second chance that seems at times so plausible, and at other times like a laughable dream. Since reuniting he and Soh had spent a surprising amount of time together, and while Koa's enjoyment of her company has only increased, so too have the lines he's tried so carefully to maintained blurred and stuttered beneath his feet. Maybe some distance would be good for them.

Maybe it's the thing he needs, to let go of this lingering flame.

Overbright, underhonest. They match each other for denial and overcompensation, neither willing to let down their guard enough to actually talk. He's ready to cut it off here, to accept the loss and re-defend himself against her, to fortify the knowledge that those silver eyes will never look at him the way he wants.

And then she says she'll miss him.

And fuck if isn't nearly undone.

Swallowing hard, Koa forces a wavering smile on his stunned face. His throat works briefly, and it seem like he's about to say something, to unleash the floodgates, to ask her why. But he doesn't, because he's a fucking coward, settling ultimately for a throaty, "I'll miss you, too." And if the things he doesn't say are there in his eyes, in the way he looks a heartbeat too long, the way he falls like a stone into the silver pool of her gaze...

Well, maybe time will make the difference. And maybe in a month he won't be such a godsdamned mess.

[fin]

Koa

And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

totally sniped from odd ilu