meet me in the afterglow

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

Soh's gaze softened as Zavien approached the table, not commenting on her momentary slip. She knew him well enough to know that he meant his muttered comment, which seemed aimed at no one in particular, but could only be meant towards her. If she was here, he really would make an effort to sit down to eat - and though it was a small, inconsequential thing, the thought warmed her in ways that it shouldn't, not when everything was still so undecided.

Fortunately, her question seemed a welcome distraction, though her heart still thrummed uneasily in her chest. "You sound like me," she laughed. "I eat out far more than I cook. I'm just glad the eggs are edible." Her fork stilled at the follow up comment though, her gaze flicking from her food and over to study Zavien's face. She was completely and utterly confused. He didn't regret their time together, he still wanted her around, and yet... and yet there was this weight hanging in between them on what should have been a happy, blissful morning. Did he want her, or didn't he?

Soh propped her head on her free hand, pushing her eggs around on her plate with her fork. "I'm not picky," she said distractedly. "I'll try just about anything." What did it mean that he wanted to keep food for when she came to visit? Did he want her to visit then? And for a repeat of yesterday, or just as a friend, or...?

"... can I ask you a question?"

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

A huff of laughter escaped at her admission. He thought the eggs were good - as evidenced by how quickly he was consuming them - but their similarities were more than a little ironic and he couldn't stop the observation before the words formed around the smile he wore. "Then we make quite the pair." 

The beat of his heart caught, but he tried to salvage the humor as she answered his question. "That doesn't help," he chuckled. It felt forced, particularly as he watched her eggs make laps around her plate, cursing himself for doing this to her, for forcing them into this awkward uncertainty. Maybe that's why he leaned into her words when they formed again, his breath shaking as he pulled it in. His head nodded, somewhat dreading what the question might be. But he couldn't find it in him to deny her anything, knowing that she deserved so much more than the reaction she'd awoken to, than the lack of an answer he'd given her earlier. "Anything." He said it with such conviction that he hoped she wouldn't hold back, that her question might force him to be honest with her as much as himself.

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

"I can give you a list," she tried to tease, but the words came out flat, almost hesitant. She could let him know her favorites, but what was the point if she wouldn't be around to eat them? After yesterday, after this morning, she wasn't exactly sure what to expect of their future. If they tried to go back to being friends, could she do it? Or would that road only lead to more heartache, to another unrequited love that would kill her just as slowly as the last?

Soh gave up on her eggs. She placed her fork aside, watching Zavien with longing clear in her silver eyes. "If we ignore the rest of the world," she said. "If we pretend that it was just us, nobody else in the way... what would you want, Zavien? With us, I mean." If there was no Koa to consider, would that make things easier or harder? Was her ex-lover (?) just a convenient excuse to avoid hurting her feelings? Or was Koa truly the only thing standing in the way of their happiness?

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

The question was different than he'd expected. His mind followed along her words, his own fork lowering to his plate as he considered them. 'If we ignore the rest of the world.' 'If we pretend that it was just us.' He hadn't let himself think like that because it wasn't true, it wasn't the reality of the world. Other people did exist, and it hurt to think he might have lost them while giving in to his own selfishness. 

But Zavien took the question seriously, refusing to run from the truth that was becoming more and more apparent in the morning sunlight. "I'd want - " His eyes flicked to her, nervous but too serious for a blush to truly take hold as he started with the simplest of confessions. "I'd want to have you in my arms right now." He shifted in his seat, taking in her half-eaten plate. "I'd want to spoil you with better breakfasts." But he knew that wasn't all of it, and he took a deep breath, pushing past the reservations he had for what might come next, truth punctuated slowly with every syllable. "I'd want a million days like yesterday. I'd want to give you everything and I'd want to take whatever you were willing to give me."

He was on the cusp of it, the part he'd been trying to bury all morning. As much as he wanted to deny that he'd acted on those feelings, that he'd been selfish and impulsive for the first time in years, Zavien looked to Soh as he said the words that strained against his heart. "If you'd let me... I'd want you." He paused, his voice lowering to a whisper as he watched for her reaction, the admission heavy as he added, "In whatever capacity you'd have me."

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

Soh listened, eyes fixed on Zavien's face as though searching for something she didn't dare name. And as he spoke, a fragile hope blossomed in her chest, that all might not be lost, that even if things were more complicated than this false scenario she'd presented, that maybe, maybe things could still work out.

She rose silently from her seat, crossing the short distance between them in no more than a second. Carefully, slowly, she eased herself into his lap, giving him every opportunity to stop her. If he didn't, she'd wrap her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder so she could breath him in, holding tightly enough that she feared he would feel her galloping heartbeat. If he stopped her, she'd retreat to lean against the table, gripping the edge tightly to force herself to keep her hands steady and away from him.

Either way, whether it was muffled against his skin or said into the open air between them, she said, "I'd give you everything." No hesitation, no questions, no second guessing. She took a deep, shuddering breath, steeling herself as she waited for the inevitable shoe to drop. "So... what's stopping you? Is it just Koa?" Or was there more that she was as yet unaware of, some other reason on Zavien's mind preventing them from taking the happiness that felt so close and yet so far?

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

There had always been the lingering fear of rejection, assuming that his feelings in the daylight would be too much, too sudden, too eager. Despite every longing look and tender moment, he thought his impulsivity might have been the root of her emotions, that maybe he'd pushed her into pretending that she cared just to appease him in the heat of the moment. He'd half expected her to change her mind when he wasn't influencing her anymore, he might have wanted her to so he wouldn't be faced with the feelings taking form. 

But Soh dismissed all that in a single motion. She climbed into his arms without fear or hesitation, arms wrapping around his neck in a hug that rattled his heart. His breath caught fragile in his chest and his hands hovered in a dangerous battle that lasted no more than half a heartbeat before he was giving in. Yesterday felt like a distant dream that came rushing back, his body easily remembering what it was like to hold her, to push aside the rest of the world and just breathe her in. 

Pulling her tight to his chest, Zavien buried his face in her neck and the curls that tickled his cheek. A crack opened along his heart, the rightness of the moment aching so fiercely that his breath shook to answer her. "Yes - no - maybe? I don't know." His mind reeled, torn between his loyalty and the way Soh fit too perfect in his arms. Sighing, he said, "Koa is obviously a piece of it, but even if I could take back yesterday, it won't change whatever his response will be, and it won't change how I feel about you." Even if he wished those feelings had been revealed with better timing.

His shoulders tensed, already expecting the loss that might never come but broke his heart regardless. "I'm scared of losing my best friend." Then his shoulders shook around the breath he pulled, something deeper and darker bubbling up through the cracks in his strength, pushing through in his moment of honesty. 

"I'm scared of losing something more again." It was barely a trembling whisper, his hands twitching like they wanted to hold her tighter, fear threatening to suffocate him if he let her in.

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

He took her in his arms with only the slightest breath of hesitation, and everything felt right again. Surely if they wanted one another, if they wanted to give this a chance, then they would find a way forward, consequences be damned. Not that she was dismissive of his feelings - quite the contrary. Her heart ached for Zavien, who clearly now felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, all because of her.

And yet, she couldn't ignore the way her heart sang because of his confession. There was so much potential here. She could feel it. This could be everything she'd ever wanted - if only they could get over a few hurdles along the way.

Soh was ready to fight for them, if Zavien would only let her.

But the revelations he offered didn't end at Koa, and Soh's heart stuttered to a stop as his final, trembling whisper hung in the scant space between them. It made complete sense, of course, but Soh hadn't thought, hadn't realized...

Taking a deep breath, Soh sat up a little straighter, shifting so that she could lean her forehead against his. "I understand," she murmured. Hadn't she experienced loss enough times to be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of what she was asking of Zavien? She'd lost her best friend to her own foolishness all those years ago, and it was a pain she wouldn't wish upon her worst enemy, much less the man who held her so tenderly now. And Caido was a harsh world; she'd seen death too many times to count. Empty promises would add nothing to the conversation, so she didn't immediately move to say more.

But when she did, it was with as much openness and honesty as she could muster. "I can't promise that nothing bad will happen," she said. "But I don't want to let fear hold us back from something so wonderful." She reached to cup his face in her hands, running her thumbs along the scruff of his jaw. "Yesterday wasn't just great sex, for me. It's the way you wash my feet in the shower and try to cook me breakfast even when you're spiraling. And even before that - it's the ice cream dates and how easy it is to talk to you and how fun it is to be with you. I want this, Zavien. I want you." She paused, then added, "But I know that that's... a lot. I know how important friendship is, and I know how hard it is to move past loss. So I understand if... if this isn't something you can do."

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

She shifted in his arms and he braced for the heartbreak, the one where she told him the fear was too much, that she didn't want someone so burdened with darkness, that she didn't want him back. He was still grappling with his guilt and grief, his hands shaking slightly with the effort of bearing it all, dreading the moment she slipped from his grasp. Only for her to settle back into his arms, forehead pressed against his. 

It nearly broke him. Zavien sucked in a breath, his eyes falling closed as he tried to understand that she was still there, staying even when his fears might drag her down with him. He could barely comprehend what was happening, how the woman on his lap had wound up there, how she could still be there after everything he'd said and done. So much relief crashed into him that he shrank beneath her, the tension evaporating and leaving nothing but tender sensitivity and the awareness of her. 

When his eyes opened to meet hers, they were a swirl of emotions: appreciation, pain, conflict, affection. He leaned into her touch, shaking his head as he let out another shaky breath. "I know, and I can't let the fear stop me from living." He'd said it to a million people before, but sometimes it was easier said than done, and the more Soh spoke, the more Zavien knew what he needed to do. 

His hands rubbed absently along her back as he slowed his breathing, steeling himself for the decision he was about to make. "It won't be easy, but..." He paused, shoulders finding strength as he wrestled down the worries and fears and everything that told him this couldn't be right when his heart said differently. "I want to make this work," he said firmly, and in case the meaning was unclear, he stared intently into her eyes as he clarified, "Us."

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

Soh didn't know what exactly was going on in Zavien's head, didn't realize that he was waiting for her to shrink from him and his fears and decide that this wasn't worth it to her. If she had, she'd have been quick to correct that line of thinking. After all, she was scared, too, scared to lose him as a friend if something went wrong between them, scared to lose him as more if her track record had anything to say about it. She was scared that she was gong to hurt him, somehow, just like she'd managed to hurt everyone else she'd ever cared about. Even Flora had been bruised by her actions before, and though they'd come through it stronger friends, she still hated that she had caused someone she cared about pain.

But what she wanted more than anything was the opportunity to build this relationship with Zavien, to see if the life she could practically see unfolding in her mind's eye was something attainable. And to deny herself that wouldn't just hurt her - it would hurt him, and that, she truly couldn't stand for.

His green eyes opened to reveal myriad emotions swirling in their depths, but Soh didn't shy away. She held his gaze resolutely, determined to see all of him and to show him that she wasn't going to shy away. And when he finally came to a decision, her face lit in a brilliant smile, silver eyes filling with adoration for this man who would risk everything for her. "Me too," she said.

And then she laughed, a breathless, excited sound that betrayed her relief. "Us," she whispered, giddy and joyful and awestruck despite all the uncertainty that still remained. If Zavien wanted her, wanted them, then what did the rest of it matter? They'd cross the bridge with Koa when they came to it, and whatever happened would happen, regardless of what they tried to do to prepare for it. And as for the rest... only time would heal some wounds, and time spent together was something Soh would gladly give if it eased Zavien's worries about losing her.

Releasing her hold on his face to slip her arms loosely around his neck, Soh smiled into Zavien's eyes. "So... what do we do now?"

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

Soh was much better at casting aside her fears than he was, refusing to let them dampen her joy - and gods was that a beautiful thing to witness. Not a trace of worry remained in the brightness of her smile or the airy quality of her laughter. 'Us.' The word coiled around them, solidifying something that had thus far been wavering and uncertain into a fragile bond. He would do what he could to protect this, to protect the budding emotions between them, to protect that smile and the woman behind it. 

Despite how his own fears still lingered in the back of his mind, her excitement was infectious. A small smile cracked through the tension he willed to fade, warm and indulgent if not slightly uncertain. He looked into her eyes, similarly unclear on how to proceed on this new ground, but willing to let her decide as his hand ran naturally down her back. "I don't know. What do you want to do?" Was there something they needed to do now? He knew Koa would have to be told at some point, but that didn't seem like a good idea to bring up, particularly when he couldn't do it at this moment. But should they talk more? Go on a date? Celebrate? Zavien figured Soh deserved to choose after the maelstrom of emotions he'd dragged her through.

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

Honestly, Soh hadn't thought much further than this conversation, given that she'd assumed she was going to be gently rejected to retreat to Torchline, her tail between her legs. To find that there was now an 'us' to be a part of was to bring her no small amount of joy, and she suddenly wanted to do something fun to celebrate. As for what that was... she had very few ideas. One sprang to mind, and her eyes lit with something playful and fun. "Well, first, I want to kiss you." She tilted her head to one side, linking her hands behind Zavien's neck. "If that's okay with you," she added, knowing that it had cost him a lot to get to this point, and not wanting to push him past where he was willing to go.

"And then," she mused, glancing towards a nearby window to find that it was a beautiful day outside. "I think we should do something fun. It looks really nice out, and as much as I'd love to just stay in bed, it seems a shame when the weather's been so weird lately. We should take advantage of the sun while we have it." As though in agreement, a slightly smug-looking Anani trilled gently (she'd known everything would work out, hadn't she?).

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

He hadn't expected her first order of business to be kissing him, but it seemed so simple and easy that he gave a light laugh. What could the harm be in a kiss? They'd done a lot more last night, and although it felt different in the daylight, he wouldn't withhold such a harmless request from her after he just agreed to make things work. 

So he tilted his chin up, ready to receive the kiss with a smile on his lips. "More than okay."

The mention of the weather reminded him that he'd promised her a sunrise that they'd slept straight through, something he'd have to remedy on a later date since she appeared determined to seize the day. Eyebrow raised and lips curved up in a humoring smile, he wondered how them might take advantage of the weather in King's End. "Like what? Take a walk? Have a picnic? Find a pool?" Sol seemed to like all the ideas, trilling from where he gnawed on a particularly tough piece of jerky.

When no one is around, my dear
You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

His easy acceptance brought a smile to her lips as she leaned in to press them against his, a soft, sweet, lingering kiss that promised more than she could find the words to say just now. While it wasn't meant to stoke a fire between them, she'd be lying if she said it didn't affect her; warmth pooled low in her belly, but she ignored it in favor of taking things slow. Well, slower, given that that ship had already sailed.

When she pulled back, it wasn't very far; she was reluctant to leave his lap, even though going out had been her idea. "A picnic sounds nice, actually," Soh thought, eyes brightening at the idea. "Maybe we can pick up a few things in town later and find a nice spot for lunch. Do you have any favorite places around here yet?" She could recall a few nice spots from previous visits to the region, but she'd much rather see what Zavien had been getting up to recently. "And before that... I don't really know." There was, after all, a while before lunchtime, given that their breakfast was still growing cold on the table. "Maybe we should take you grocery shopping," she teased.

Spinning in my highest heels, love
Shining just for you

Sohalia

Zavien

Never regret anything that made you smile

He'd said the words, given consent, even welcomed the kiss by meeting her halfway, but he hadn't realized how different it would feel today. Yesterday had been experienced through a concentrated lens of emotions, his physical desires and impulses at the forefront of every thought, devouring most rational means of comprehending what he was doing. But today with the sun filtering bright through the windows and the air having cooled drastically and his mind in full working order, Zavien could fully appreciate the weight of the action. 

Conflict still sung through his head, warning of all the ways this could and would go wrong, reminding him of what he might lose by giving into this. Nothing was going to be the same and it terrified him. 

But his heart wouldn't listen. Where it had been thrilled and brimming with desire before, it fluttered and soared against his ribcage. There was something special about kissing Soh, something that he couldn't ignore, the force of his emotions threatening to knock him over. He liked her. Gods, he liked her so much that something as simple as this innocent kiss set his heart racing. His head turned light, thought fleeing the impact of her. 

When she eventually pulled away, Zavien was left without words, stunned and somewhat disoriented by the effect of it. He should feel guilty for daring to cross the line again, for choosing to betray Koa without whatever had influenced him yesterday, but all he could think of was the sweet taste of her mouth and when he might taste her again. Warmth tingled across his lips, suddenly more aware of every place they touched, his bare chest, her arms around his neck, her in his shirt with nothing underneath. 

Swallowing down the rising heat and flood of emotions, Zavien blinked to clear his mind, but he was obviously distracted as he said, "A picnic. Sure. Let's do it." His head shook at the following question, not really having a place in mind. There were plenty of flower fields around King's End. They all looked the same to him. 

He started to settle back down, a smile creeping onto his face when she teased him. "That's not a bad idea. Although we could always do an early lunch picnic - or make it a breakfast picnic." Zavien thought he recalled a new coffee shop down the road, and there were always plenty of bakeries. Grocery shopping could wait for another time. The way he sat unhurried with his hands resting along her back implied the same; he was in no rush to move.