are you still the same soul

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Sohalia had always loved the beach.

It was something she hadn't had until she'd begun to explore Torchline, all those seasons ago when she was young and innocent, before her friendship with Jude had been soured and spoiled and ruined. Now, as she sat with her toes buried in the sand, staring out upon the distant horizon, she was filled not with joy and peace, but with sadness. These past few seasons - ever since her unfortunate teenage love triangle with Jude and Koa - had been filled with nothing but misery. Now she couldn't even sit on the beach and enjoy the sun without thinking of all the things that might have been.

What might have been - what a joke, she thought bitterly. There was nothing that once was that had remained. She and Jude and Koa weren't friends or lovers or anything, really, not now that she'd destroyed any hope of a happy ending for them all. And that didn't even begin to touch on Stormbreak and how it had been taken over by the Family. She was beginning to accept that it wasn't her fault, that there was nothing she could have done to stand against them once they'd decided to get rid of her, but it still filled her with shame. If she was better, if she was stronger, maybe there would have been something else she could have done.

Maybe. Probably not, but maybe.

So here she sat, alone and lost to her thoughts, staring out to sea with an air of sadness that permeated the very air around her. Maybe this was better. Maybe she wasn't meant to be anything more than what she was now. The only question was: what was she now?

She wasn't sure she knew.

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

The cruel thing about time is she stops for nothing. Grieving in Koa's arms had given him enough strength to return home, but it had ended in a night curled in the corner of his couch holding his cat and crying the tears he hadn't been able to before. Then what is left but to rise the next morning? He puts his clothes on with fingers so numb the buttons refuse to enter the shirt holes multiple times. He cries when he tries to knot his laces because he inanely hears his dad's voice going 'remember the bunny ears Judy!' He walks past his dad's favorite vendor and wonders if anyone else in the world even knows his dad is dead.

This used to be his home. These used to be his people in so much more than just the kingly sense. It's horrifying to know that someone who had once been so entrenched in the community is gone, and they have no idea. It's terrifying to know Jude could follow in those footsteps and expect the same.

He'd never minded or thought much of his own ghostlike existence, fading in and out of the background in the way his mothers had taught him. Suddenly the ephemeral certainty of his own contentment with invisibility makes him physically sick. Jude goes to the ocean because it's the only way to quell the roiling nausea in his stomach.

That's when he sees Sohalia.

There's plenty that could be said about how he reacts given he didn't know she was found. What he feels, what he thinks. It doesn't matter, nothing matters except how he reacts - which is to stumble toward her and collapse to his knees in a graceless mess that sends sand flying, hands already reaching for her as relief turns his expression rapturous while immediate tears fight to crinkle that very visage. "Soh," he chokes, the nickname he'd told himself he'd stop using leaping out thoughtlessly, praying she doesn't turn away no matter how he doesn't deserve her welcome.

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Life, Soh had decided, was hard. She used to be a glass-half-full kind of person, the kind of person who could see the good in any person or situation. And maybe deep down she still was, but right now... right now, everything felt dark, and dim, and sad. And she couldn't see a way out. Someone had once told her that when things looked bleak, sometimes the only thing to do was the next right thing. But no one had ever told her what to do when she didn't know what that was.

But since life was hard, and she was lost, and the only thing she knew she wanted was to go back to when things were easy, Jude's appearance didn't do what it might once have done. Oh, sure, she looked up with surprise at the sound of his voice, so much emotion carried on the sound of her name - but she didn't feel guilt, or dread, or anger. No - what she felt, more than anything else, was relief.

"Jude!" she cried, his name a gasp that held all of the things she wished to say. And for a moment, it was almost like being back in the time before. Even when she remembered that he hated her, she couldn't bring herself to shy away. He looked so relieved to see her, and she couldn't find it in herself to go backwards. Maybe they could find a way forward - together, as they had always been meant to be. Even after everything, she loved him fiercely, and she would never turn away from him. Never. So she opened her own arms and reached right back, tears welling in her own eyes as she offered up an embrace that said everything she couldn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

Nothing feels like it matters when he sees her face again as her head rises at his voice. Straying hearts, broken relationships, hurt and vitriol - they all feel so childish when held against the looming shadow of loss. Maybe that's why he drags her in so hard when she doesn't immediately recoil. He didn't lose her. He lost his dad, but not her too. It chokes him so swiftly his lungs burn and his sobbing exhale is croaky and painful next to her ear as his hands bleed ivory with the strength he uses to cling to her.

Crying this time feels more healing than it had in Koa's arms, where the glaring sun and bleached bone had set fitting backdrops to the agony of his acceptance of the reality of his loss. It doesn't really go away, but the relief of having someone returned alive balances the scales to weep with relief and the unraveling threads of fear that had choked him for so long that this day might never come to pass.

He doesn't know how long they sit there crying, two bony skeletons housing dimmed stars in their chests. Just knows he can't - won't - bother trying to speak until the tears have been wrung out. The words won't come otherwise. When they do they're raspy from abuse and the silence he's lived in since seeing Koa, slightly different than she might remember due to the passage of time and the aging it brings. Pulling away, he pushes her mussed-up hair aside to better see her face without considering the natural way it comes to him or what he's supposed to feel. "You're alive. Gods. I'm so - I'm so glad you're alive." He isn't sure if he can say he missed her yet. Is he allowed to? The reality is setting in now as his heart slows, and Jude isn't sure what they're 'allowed' to do. He just knows she's a cornerstone his heart has been built upon, and he can't stop feeling certain things, even if society might declare he avoid expressing them.

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

She was alive. She hadn't let herself really feel it before now, hadn't really acknowledged how grateful she was that she's made it through her ordeal. Being abducted by the Family had been harrowing, of course, and being ill for months had almost killed her - but she was here, and Jude was here, and they were both alive and breathing and okay (all things considered). And right now, in this moment, all Soh could do was weep with relief.

"I'm alive," she agreed in a breathless, choking voice that cracked from her lips between sobs. "I'm alive and I'm here and I've miss you so much -" she continued before she remembered the last time she'd seen him, how angry and hateful and enraged he had been. But as much as society might tell her to keep her feelings to herself, she had never been able to where Jude was concerned - to her own detriment, at times - and she wasn't about to start now.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against his neck, tightening her arms around him as though she could keep him close if only she wished hard enough. "I'm so sorry, Jude." Please forgive me, she seemed to beg. Please come back to me.

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

Jude's ragged breathing slows in time with his frantic heart, burying his face somewhere between her neck and shoulder, drowning in her hair. She smells different. He isn't sure how to feel about that. Isn't sure how to feel about her apologies either, which is what brings him the slow-creeping clarity pushing the clouds of relief away.

Early on, they might have revealed razed earth and stony certainty in his decision to refuse her any forgiveness or understanding. Except it's been so long. Long enough that Jude simply isn't the same person she'd last seen in the doorway of his sad apartment, angry and hurting in ways he hadn't known a person could hurt yet. He isn't sure if forgiveness would have mattered in whether his dad died or not but the fragility of their lives is too fresh a lesson for Jude to not reevaluate his stance on grudges. And what does young love matter in the face of life and death? It's not like Jude values himself much - his stupid heart shouldn't matter either. Sohalia is alive. Doesn't that matter more than whether she'd hurt his feelings?

It's a decision that will surely bite him later, but Jude minimizes his own hurt, his concerns and complaints, and buries them somewhere silent and untouched as he wraps an arm around Sohalia's back and pulls her closer. "It's okay. s'alright, Soh. I forgive you." For better or worse. Leaning back, Jude pushes his curls back and smiles at her, though it's a wispy thing that only the faint crinkle of one dimple really signifies as an attempt at the expression. "You're alive. That matters so much more."

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Jude's forgiveness crashed over her like a wave on the shore, dashing against the walls she'd constructed around her heart and sending them crumbling to the ground. Tears streaked down her face as she held him, felt him pull her closer, and she curled against him, clinging as though he were the last tether holding her to the sand. She had been so very lonely, even with the friends who had welcomed her back with open arms, separated somehow from them by the guilt and shame she bore like a cross upon her back. With the sudden, unexpected absolution that Jude offered, she felt washed clean.

She was alive. She was alive. She was alive, and Jude cared. It felt like so much more than she ever could have hoped for, and she decided in that moment that she would do everything in her power to avoid hurting him, to keep him safe from harm. She would let nothing come between them again. It had been all her fault before - she knew that, felt it in her bones - but that just meant that it was up to her to do better. And she could. She would.

Jude's proffered smile was faint, but it was there, and Soh offered a shy one in return, reaching out to brush an errant lock of dark hair from his eyes, a movement that felt as natural as breathing. For the first time in months, she relaxed into the memory of the person she'd once been, full of light and warmth and hope. She had no idea what Jude had been through since they'd last spoken, and so it was with a vague sense of optimism that she said, "I'm so happy to see you. How have you been?"

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

Jude has always experienced love like stone - either firm beneath his feet or crushing upon his shoulder. Unbreakable, unsightly, but foundational. It has only ever silently upheld him or cruelly weighed him down. He doesn't want the latter to be Sohalia's fate. If forgiveness is the only kindness he can offer her then let it be enough to unbow her shoulders again.

There's the delayed flinch in his stomach of some faint desire to recoil from her touch, but like a tired street dog, Jude can't find the energy to exhibit that wariness when it has been so very long since anyone has touched him at all. It's a cruel joke that the last two people have been Koa and Sohalia, whose embraces have haunted him everlong in their loud absences from his life. Crueler still that they've reentered it seemingly in tandem and have broken all of Jude's defenses in one fell swoop. If Jude held himself in any regard he might have wondered whether that was the plan, to isolate him long enough that he would all too willingly welcome them back when they finally returned, desperate to be pulled out of the dark again. 

Maybe that's why his faint smile seizes and hangs awkwardly on his face as his eyes fill with dread the moment she asks. It's ridiculous to think she wouldn't - there's little else for them to safely talk about than these empty platitudes. For a moment he stands in her shoes, wondering whether it is kinder to lie to save her the heartbreak. The silence spins out seemingly endlessly as he struggles with the question internally. Yet, in the end, Jude can't make the same choice she once had. She deserves to hear this news from him, the one person who will understand the pain it will inflict. 

It's just one more burden he has to bear. 

"I...not well. Barely - well..." Gods, how does he say it? Jude isn't even sure himself if his dad was murdered, deeply unlucky, or creatively self-inflicted his own demise. Impartial reports and awkward condolences from strange couriers weren't exactly informative. Which array of words will somehow infinitesimally hurt her less? "Harper - dad, he - he's dead." The word is wooden and stilted in his mouth, and like a coward Jude's eyes unfocused somewhere near the cupid's bow of Sohalia's mouth, preferring to see her lips crease and wobble than the reaction he'll find in her eyes.

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

It's strange, the lengths one's mind will go to in order to protect itself from that which would destroy it. Seeing Jude, being given the gift of his forgiveness, had been so emotional and so all-consuming that she'd momentarily forgotten what she knew to be true: that he was just like her now, all alone in the world.

The memory of her encounter with Koa - when the dragoon had accidentally let slip that Harper was gone - tumbled through her mind as Jude spoke, and her hand flew up to cover her mouth as she searched his face. Perhaps a part of her had wished that Koa had been wrong, that there had been some horrible mistake. But no - Jude's unfocused gaze and stony silence once the words hung in the air between them was all the confirmation she needed. It was real. Harper was dead.

Her eyes filled with tears, not just for her own grief, but for the boy before her, who had once again lost someone who was supposed to have been there for him. "Oh, Jude..." she whispered, at a loss for words. Her own parents had died when she'd been young enough that she couldn't remember the pain. No, that wasn't true - it had just felt different, when she was so young that death failed to have meaning. She supposed the next closest thing would have been Auden's death, but however much that had hurt her... looking back, she could see that it wasn't the same. It wasn't like Jude had to feel now, losing Harper.

"I'm so sorry," she murmured thickly, attempting to reach for his hand to give it a comforting squeeze. "I - is there anything I can do?" Just as he'd predicted, her lips wobbled, and she pressed them into a thin line as she fought - and lost - against the tears that threatened.

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

Jude

I'll breathe you in like smoke in the backyard light
We used to laugh til we choked, into the wasted nights

It’s a guess more than anything, but he’s surprised to find he can still read her so well even after everything that’s happened between them - and it’s clear this isn’t a total surprise. He shouldn’t be surprised really. His father’s death had been a simple footnote on most newspapers and notice boards. Few people still existed or cared about him - largely due to Harper himself - but those who did wouldn’t have forgotten his name.

Had that been worse? Jude prays that isn’t how she found out. It’s easier to feel empathy for her than himself, because whatever is inside his chest right now is too dark and forbidding, and he hasn’t had the courage to look inside it.

He squeezes her hand back, fingers delayed as if they’ve forgotten how to interact with someone else’s body. He hopes it slows her tears, because his own refuse to join them, and he can only feel the faint whisper of what might have once been panic or discomfort but is now only hollowness. “No. But thank you.” An equally hollow sentiment. What need might have existed was already given by Koa, and Jude will never repay that kindness. It’s an ironic cruelty to be indebted so heavily to him now after everything. 

“This was my last trip back. I’m living with the Carpenters for now, until I can…” he trails off, shrugging listlessly. Until he makes enough money? Passion is just ash on his tongue now, though it has been for a few years. He lives for the smooth stone at his throat and the memory of Safrin’s voice, and were she not the herald of life maybe he would have felt inclined to join her forever in a different way. “Winnie is there. Promise I’m still taking care of her.” A bit of a ridiculous notion, but for a moment he feels he has to justify it, like she might condemn him or assume since he’s clearly not taking care of himself then the cat she entrusted to his care must be similarly suffering. Maybe he just can’t see the goodness in people anymore. Or maybe just in himself.

It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone
So please don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Jude's refusal was expected, but it stung all the same. Not because Soh was hurt by it, but rather because she hurt for him. Having lost both of her parents, she understood that pain all too well, and as long as his basic needs were met, there was indeed little she could do to help him now. Time would help the wound to scab over, though he would carry its scar for the rest of his days.

Indeed, the most pressing need Jude would have had - shelter - had been met by the Carpenters, another fact that she knew thanks to her run-in with Koa in Stormbreak. She had so many questions, but none of them were her place to ask anymore, and the one that seemed safe - how are you liking Stormbreak - felt in poor taste at this point in the conversation. "Of course you are," Soh murmured soothingly. "I never doubted you would." She wasn't going to touch the topic of Koa with a ten-foot pole. Not when it could undo the fragile peace that seemed to exist between them again.

She bit her lip. "I'd... like to see Winnie again sometime, if it's alright with you," she said, a peace offering of sorts, something safe to give her an excuse to see him again. "You know, after you..." After he what? Figured his life out? Had his own place? There was nothing she could say that sounded helpful, and so she trailed off, stumped in a way she never would have been back in the before.

"I'm staying here for a while," she told him. "With Flora. If this is your last trip here, then I might not see you for a while. Maybe we can just... sit for a while? If that's okay with you?" And maybe for now, that would be enough.

fin

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia