[SE] have you ever had a feeling that's dumb?

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

A scent of wood-smoke and cooked food filled the air. A line was forming before a temporary stall that had opened up that morning and despite the chill in the air and the snow on the ground, people were lingering to chit chat with bowls in hand. It was simple fair. A stew of game and winter vegetables along with a fresh roll of bread and cheese was handed out to anyone who asked for it, and though some paid for their food it was not a requirement. 

It had been an afterthought to share the leftovers of her latest hunt with the people of King's End. Ordinarily she would have saved it for later, dried the meat and carried it with her, but after overhearing some travelers as they muttered about prices and hard times, Maea changed her mind. 
It felt good, honestly. The gratitude in the eyes of these men and women as they accepted the food thawed something in her chest that had been cold for a long time, and the Ancient found herself returning a shy, tentative smile at them. Strangers all, it had not taken long before someone showed up to her fire and added a pot to boil the meat in, then another brought vegetables, and bread, and before long she was surrounded by generous, hard-working people intent on sharing what they had with one another.  

Fortunately, she didn't recognize anyone. She wasn't sure she was in a mood to face any old acquaintances. Once the food ran out she would continue on her way, and until then... well. Perhaps she would have some luck, for once.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

For not the first time in recent weeks, Alys had forced herself to leave the house.

Where she might normally have been urged into the cold by her companion, there was now only silence, and she still wasn’t used to that missing part of her soul that still felt bare. Everything was still too raw; the bond, or at least where it had been, hurt in a way that she couldn’t fully explain or understand. It was enough to keep her at home instead of traveling with Tal, and for the most part, it kept her from wandering too far into civilization, preferring the solitude of their home over the hustle and bustle of New Haven before LongNight.

But yesterday, she’d run out of food, and the knowledge that she couldn’t just waste away prickled under her skin, driving her out and into New Haven. She walked through the streets with her head down, hoping very much that she could avoid seeing anyone she knew. If this could just be a quick trip, in and out, then she could go back home with a minimum of discomfort and return to her silent brooding. However much it irked her to be stuck in this cycle of depression, it wasn’t enough to pull her out of it.

Unfortunately for Alys, she made the mistake of glancing up at a critical moment and saw a figure that was indeed familiar to her, though it had been some time since she’d seen the Ancient. She remembered that Maea had written her some time ago, but they’d never met up despite their best efforts. To see her now was like plunging into a shred of the past where Sascha was still alive and Alys was still whole. And it hurt.

Alys paused for a moment, staring at the Ancient with an intensity that likely bordered on manic, and almost turned to walk away - but she didn’t want to offend Maea, not when the woman had tried to mend their fences. So she forced herself forward, one foot in front of the other, until she stood beside her. ”Need any help?” she asked softly, observing what appeared to be a soup kitchen of sorts, and preparing to jump in where needed.

Alys

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Looking up at the soft question, Maea found herself faced with exactly what she had been hoping to avoid. There should be a lesson in that, somewhere, of the virtues of facing your troubles head on. But to be honest, the look of this woman that she had met once so very long ago - was it not half a lifetime? at least that's what it felt like - had Maea thinking she was doing pretty well for herself, all things considered. Something in the woman's eyes seemed harrowed, hollow even, and she found herself nodding and taking a step aside to let her closer to the fire.
"You can stir this," she offered, pointing to the big pot that was currently left unattended. "Make sure you scrape the bottom, or it will burn."

Chewing the inside of her cheek, unsure of what else to say, she turned away for a moment to accept an armful of wood from a helper. Feeding the fire one log at a time, she eventually sat back on her heels with her elbows braced against the knees, watching as a gaggle of children tumbled past. Their laughter cut through the crisp air, bright and cheerful, and somewhere out of sight someone started up a tune on a flute.

Strange, how something so simple as free food could lift the spirits of people in this way. It hadn't even been intentional, and yet... it felt good.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

It was something of a relief to be accepted as a helper, and Alys quickly took up the mantle of stirring the pot, careful to do as she was bid and scrape the bottom to avoid burning bits. For a while, they worked in silence, with Maea feeding the fire and Alys stirring the stew, and it was… comfortable. If nothing else, there was a certain warmth that blossomed in the hollow pit of Alys’s stomach as she found a way to help the community that had welcomed she and Tal with open arms.

It wasn’t enough to erase her grief, though, and the laughter of children only threw her own misery into sharp relief. She watched as they ran by, squealing and giggling, and for a moment she was so envious of their easy glee that it hurt. But that, too, passed quickly, fading away into the numbness that had pervaded her every waking moment since that day out on the ice.

”This was kind of you,” she said finally, her voice soft, for Maea’s ears alone. Free food was something that could bring people together like nothing else, and for some, it was the difference between life and death. Not everyone was as fortunate as she to have a roof over their heads and a full belly.

Alys

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Looking down at her hands, Maea found them smudged in soot and stained orange from peeling carrots. Acknowledging Alys with a thoughtful crook of the tail, the ancient put her hands inside the cookfire to let the flames cleanse her hands.
"It was... something I could do," she responded softly as she followed the woman's gaze to the visitors. Gazing at, or perhaps through them, whatever she saw drew on a wistful expression. "Helping is hard. It's so easy to slip up and make things worse than before. But food... I don't think food can do any harm."

Pulling her fingers from the flame, Maea stood - not that it made much of a difference in terms of height - and reached past a helper to snatch up a bowl. Spooning up a generous helping of stew, she added a hunk of freshly baked bread alongside a slice of bright yellow cheese, and extended it to Alys.
"Hello, by the way. It's... been a while, hasn't it. Are you doing okay?"

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys watched as the Ancient placed her hands in the fire, biting back a yelp of surprise. She’d spent very little time around Ancients, and their affinity for fire unnerved her. Still, she continued to stir the pot of stew, forcing her gaze back to the people who milled around. Their good cheer might have been catching, under different circumstances, but as it was, Alys watched from somewhere outside her body, unable to feel the warmth past the permanent chill that had taken up residence in her heart.

When Maea extended a bowl to her, Alys took it without thinking, then realized that she wasn’t sure what her last meal had been. It certainly hadn’t been as hearty as this. ”Thank you,” she said softly, then moved to sit nearby so that she might continue to talk while she ate. ”It has been a while,” she agreed. And so much had happened in the time since she’d seen Maea last, since she’d received the letter. This person was different from what she remembered. She thought that maybe it was a good change.

”I… I lost my companion recently,” she admitted, her mouth twisting with fresh sorrow. ”So…” She shrugged helplessly. No, she wasn’t okay - and she wasn’t sure she ever would be again. But that was a lot to put on someone who was practically a stranger. ”How have you been?”

Alys

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Continuing to fill bowls with piping hot stew and passing it out to eager and grateful hands, she continued until the line dispersed, and finally made herself a meal. Hunching down with her back to the fire to savor the warmth, stirring the stew with the bread while contemplating what to say. Losing ones companion... it was a wound unlike any other. She knew it all too well, for her own soul had yet to heal from loss.

"I am sorry," she murmured eventually, a haunted knowing in her eyes. "I had a companion too, once. Just a wisp that took a liking to me... It passed away a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday." It had taken laughter with it, and love, joy, all the brightness of her soul. Only shadow and doubt remained, and an abiding, cold loneliness where once there had been another consciousness.
She tried not to dwell on it, of course, but it was about as effective as an amputee not thinking about a missing limb.

"I've been... alright, I suppose. A bit aimless. I'm out of ideas on what to do with myself, or where to put down my roots. In the meantime I've been wandering." Avoiding people she knew, though Maea didn't admit as much out loud.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys broke off a piece of bread and dipped it into the stew, allowing it to soak for a moment before popping it into her mouth. It was rich and flavorful, and the perfect meal to offset the chill in the air.

What she wasn’t expecting was to find camaraderie in Maea. To hear that the Ancient had at one time had a companion and then lost them… she would have been sympathetic before, but now that she’d experienced it, her heart bled for the woman. ”I’m so sorry,” she whispered. By the looks of it, time had not quite healed the wound. Maea’s loneliness was abundant, taking Alys’s breath away as she felt the myriad emotions through her magic. She wondered if she was looking at a future version of herself in Maea - alone, dark, cold. And she wondered if she would be able to find it in herself to care if that was how she ended up.

Right now, she couldn’t imagine finding that sort of strength.

”I understand,” she said of Maea’s wandering. And she really did. She’d felt much the same when she’d left the Hollowed Grounds, all those seasons ago. ”I was born in the Hollowed Grounds, but it was never really home. When I left, though… I didn’t know where to go or what to do. It took me a while to find my place.”

Alys

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

And so they were sorry, and lost, and far from home. The difference between them and how the future might unfold, Maea thought, would lie in the depth of connection with those around. Her bonds had always been flimsy, but she knew Alys would have Talyson by her side, and from the looks of it, a growing community to lean on.

"Mh, I've tried to adjust to the changes in the Grounds, but it is proving difficult. Do you have any tips om how to let go of the past?" Evie had said that home was not something to find, but rather one that you built for yourself. Or, if one was lucky, was raised into. But when all was ashes and all that remained was memory, how did she proceed? Did she not owe it to herself and those gone before her to remember?

Barely tasting the stew and eating out of habit more than hunger, she considered the woman beside her, wondering what revelations had come to her, between the leaving and the settling down.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Maea’s question took Alys off guard, and she contemplated for a moment before answering. Her past had been easy to let go of - she had been a part of a family that didn’t like or understand her, and so leaving had been the logical thing. It had been harder to find a new place to belong, and that had only come once she had found people who loved her for who she was, not because they were obligated to by blood.

Finally, Alys sighed. ”I think that probably looks different for everyone.” Where she might once have reached for Sascha to calm her, there was now nothing, and she felt the loss so keenly that she felt she might cry. ”The leaving was easy for me. I didn’t get along with my family, and there was nothing to keep me in the Grounds. The finding a place to belong was harder. I think it’s about the connections you make - or at least, it was for me. Finding friendship is what made me who I am today.” And love, of course, but love had only strengthened what had already been present. It was a the friendship, she’d found, that was important.

And though she hadn’t touched her cards since the day Sascha had died, she found herself offering her services anyway. ”I don’t know if you know, but I’m a seer. I work predominantly with the tarot. Sometimes the cards can be helpful in discerning a path forward. If you’re ever interested, I could do a reading for you.”

Alys

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

It took her aback how Alys mirrored her thoughts on bonds and making connections, and Maea listened with a thoughtful expression. Wiping the bottom of the bowl with the last piece of bread, she popped it in her mouth and shook her head as Alys mentioned being a seer.

"I didn't know that," she admitted. "If you are willing I wouldn't mind at all... Honestly, I'd take advice from the Void at this point if I thought it would help." It was said with a laugh, though only half in jest. Maea looked the other woman over, taking in her expression and posture. "Are you sure you're up for it, though? I'm sure I'll get by anyway, if this is not a good time." Grief affected people so differently. While some needed to stay busy and have things at hand to process, others did better with peace and quiet, freed from the need to consider anything else.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys finished her stew at the same time as Maea and rose from her seat, ready to deliver her bowl to wherever dirty dishes were being collected. She wished she had water magic - that would make cleaning up easier.

At Maea’s joke, Alys offered a half-hearted smile, but her insides twisted painfully. The Void was what had taken her companion from her, and though Maea didn’t know that, it didn’t make the pain any less. ”I appreciate the thought,” she said softly. ”But… it might be good for me to do something other than grieve.” She dusted her hands off on her thighs, ridding her fingers of any lingering crumbs. ”Over there - there’s a picnic table. That should work.” If Maea was still willing, anyway.

Assuming that the Ancient accepted, Alys led the way to the table, bypassing some of the cheerful townsfolk to take a seat on one side of the table. She pulled a deck of cards wrapped in silk from her pocket. Where she would normally offer clients a selection of decks to choose from, today she carried only her favorite, and that would have to do.

Alys

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Not about to argue given that Alys surely knew herself best, Maea only nodded. Setting her own bowl aside to deal with later, she rose and followed the seer to the table. Pulling the hood up over her hair to keep herself warm, she made herself comfortable, watching with interest as the deck was shuffled.

"How does this work?" Maea wondered. "Is it magic or spirits, or...? I'm not too familiar with fortune telling." Different from conversing with ghosts or gods, it intrigued her as the arcane always had. Once she had been of a mind to study it at the Academy in Halo. These days, though, she was simply grateful to be connected to it at all whether it was through fire, healing or even the minor corrosion she could afflict upon matter.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys shuffled, first riffling the cards and then overhand shuffling for a few rounds. ”Mm, it’s magic and it’s not,” she explained. ”It’s not like… like my healing, for example. But it’s… its own kind of magic.” She paused thoughtfully, cutting the deck and placing it down within easy reach. ”I draw cards. Each card has its own meaning, and I interpret the meanings and the ways they interact to form a reading. Some use the tarot in an attempt to tell the future, but it’s more complicated than that; the future is always changing and evolving. Any one decision you make today could lead to a different future tomorrow. I prefer to use the tarot as a means of… reflection, I suppose. Of guidance down the right path.” Not that it had helped her much in keeping Sascha safe, or in the days and weeks after.

She shook herself out of her thoughts. This was about Maea, and she needed to stop wallowing in order to offer any kind of helpful interpretation of the cards. ”For this reading, I will draw three cards. The first will represent the past, the second will represent the present, and the third will represent the future. All three together will come together to provide meaning.” She looked to the cards. ”If you’re ready, I can begin.”

Alys