gravity and tenderness

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

Zavien listened quietly, recognizing all the same arguments he'd made himself. He'd spun the information around his head for days, and only one fact had given him any confidence that anywhere else would be safer than Stormbreak. "Maybe not, but not all places have Dahlia as their leader." His words were soft and gentle, the suggestively traitorous phrase making him glance around again, as if her name might summon the woman into the room. 

When he saw nothing, he sighed, pressing a hand against his temple that was starting to ache with the whirlwind of emotions. "I've had a lot more time to think about this, so I know it's not an easy decision." As certain as he sounded, even he didn't know if it was the right choice, but everything in him screamed that Stormbreak wasn't safe - and his gut was rarely wrong. Yet Lena didn't have the same assurance, and he couldn't force her into a hasty decision. However, he could guarantee his own intentions. 

Leaning forward, he placed a sincere hand over his heart. Its racing pounded against his palm, the ache palpable through his shirt as he said, "I don't know how long the trip would be. All I can promise is that I will do everything in my power to get home again as soon as possible." With his physical health already returning, a determination to get stronger had flared in his chest, a drive to spend every waking moment honing his skills, if only to have a slim chance against the Family and the Void - to protect Lena and those he cared about. He just hoped she would be at his side to help him through it. That possibility seemed to slip away more with every second as he felt the shift of the cushion beneath him. 

For a moment, he couldn't bear to look up, too fearful to see the empty space and what it may mean. His breathing hitched again, the wounds of his side flaring in pain with the tightening of every muscle of his body. Was this it? The moment he'd feared more than death? It made him wonder if he'd been brought back only to be tormented with the collapse of everything around him, to be forced to lose everything as punishment for his mistakes. He tried not to let the catastrophizing impact his actions, feeling that it wasn't fair to Lena. He'd already tortured her enough today.

On weak legs, he stood, following her slowly into the kitchen. Sol trailed behind, the concern radiating from him with a small whine. Shaking his head, Zavien propped his hands on the counter, suddenly heavy with exhaustion. His eyes fluttered shut to steady the room, taking a deep, stabling breath. "You don't have to decide now, but I can't stay..." His voice still shook, but the trip had drained him more than he'd thought, somehow keeping the reality of the situation from breaking him.

Zavien looked up to see Lena attempting to hold it together herself, pain stabbing into his chest at her suffering. He winced, opening and closing his mouth before finally speaking, "I - I don't know what you need right now. Do you need space? Time? Comfort? Please, tell me what I can do to help you through this." Because every second felt like she might choose to cast him aside along with all the difficulties he brought with him. He just prayed she'd give him the chance to make it up to her one day. To prove that he was more than a failure.

Lena

// what is to give light must endure burning //

Time wasn’t something she’d been given and granted at this rate, and between the notice of detrimental, harrowing leagues, and all manner of sedition unplanned (at least, upon her own life), she didn’t have much else to say. She’d built up her entire life for the Celestine – an ambitious, oriented goal that had her living every day to her fullest and grateful for the opportunity extended to her – and she wasn’t going to toss that way. Dangerous or not, Dahlia wasn’t going to pry her out of those gardens and away from those animals, nor was she going to be frightened out of her home because some individuals wanted to take over, fester, and bleed it dry.

But that didn’t do her much good when Zavien had been mortally wounded in a fight against said void; even if it hadn’t been directly in the hands of the Reaper.

And she was trying, desperately, to forge all of that within her brain in some logical sense, and maybe when her lungs stopped heaving and things felt less dizzying, she could pry it into words conveyed with meaning and substance. She took another sip of her water, glancing up at him again, unaware that he was thinking of everything crashing down around them - Lena had done no such thing. She just didn’t want to be ejected from her entire livelihood because of unsavory leadership. “I just need time to process all of this,” she admitted, honestly, fingers placed against her temple. “I’m not driving you away – you’ve just told me you -,” she didn’t finish it this interval, biting back another horde of something she didn’t want to name. “And then you say we have to flee. But I can’t just go, Zavien, I have responsibilities here.”

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

He didn't say it, but time was one of the only things he couldn't truly give her. There was no telling if or when the Family would strike, or if Stormbreak would survive whatever they had planned. The presence of Pierce and Vox already put him on edge, wondering if there was more going on. Then to add the increase in infections? How was he supposed to convince Lena that they couldn't save their home if they didn't protect themselves first? Or that he didn't know if he'd be able to if he lost her?

Zavien suddenly wished he knew what his mother's secret had been, smiling through every punch life had thrown at her. He should have asked. Maybe then he wouldn't have to hang his head, hiding the single tear that he refused to let fall. His voice was resigned, weak and strained with the pain of what felt like a decision. "I understand..." And he did, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Because Lena wouldn't be the person he loved if she wasn't so passionate and driven, even if that passion was now threatening to tear them apart. To tear him apart from the inside.

Had he ruined everything? 

Clutching the edge of the counter, his head felt light, pulling him out of his body to spare what pain might come next. The darkness under his eyes had deepened, his shoulders shaking with every breath. "Maybe I - maybe I should leave..." Everything in him hoped she would contradict him, asking him to stay so that they might spend whatever time they still had together; but he wouldn't let his presence be a source of discomfort or confusion for her. As much as he wanted to fold her into his arms and shut the world out, he couldn't expect her to be able to do the same. 

He didn't know where he would go. Home seemed too dark, leaving him to his own dangerous thoughts and worries - worst of all, the memories. The Celestine would be preferable with its many occupants and healing atmosphere - if everywhere he looked didn't remind him of big brown eyes full of sadness. The Dragon's Nest was too public, practically announcing his return to the whole city; but perhaps he could secretly find Koa, the friend who might understand his pain - the need to leave, the ache of a heart. All this raced through his mind as he waited for Lena to dismiss him like a puppy who'd chewed all of her shoes then offered her the tattered remains as a show of love.

Lena

// what is to give light must endure burning //

Placing her fingers against her temple, as if that would ward away everything all at once, the Caretaker shook her head, and then wiped the rest of her tears against her sleeve. “Don’t. You know you can stay here.” She didn’t dare ask his further plans – where he’d go, where they could meet up again, with everything clenched and grasped and tore, and with renewed purpose, she strode over to the linen closet, struggling to find more blankets. The horrendous moments of the day threatened and yielded and truly capsized over her heart like a knife; and maybe some normality in all of it would lessen the blows, both incoming and outgoing. “I’ll get us something to eat too,” she mustered, figuring there was something she could reheat or cook up quickly. “I’m not angry with you or anything,” she tried again, hating the look on his face.

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

It was crazy how those simple words were enough to placate him, to show how much she influenced him. If things were as bad as his fears tried to tell him, she wouldn't let him stay here. And that knowledge was enough to slow the turmoil of his emotions, giving him the strength to push aside life-altering decisions and pivotal moments for the future. For now, Lena was still here with him, and he had a place to rest from whatever may come. 

His breathing slowed and he blinked most of the moisture from his eyes before raising his head again. The words were soft, tired, broken as he watched her gather things. "Thank you." Whether she heard them or not, he followed carefully, still trying to give her space as he accepted the sleeping items to place them out on the couch. His head reeled with the whiplash of his mind, dragging his limbs down. It gave him comfort to know that he'd probably be too exhausted for the nightmares to find him. 

Lena's words made him pause in his movements, his eyes meeting hers briefly. "I know." Because 'anger' wasn't something he'd suspected. Hurt, scared, overwhelmed, confused; those all seemed more likely. And he was the reason for them all. His only solace was knowing that she still cared enough to reassure him. And maybe, with time, forgive him. 

[FIN]