eating my heart out

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

(Taking place during the Feast)

When they'd made it out of the range of eavesdropping, Zavien finally let the carefully constructed facade fall away. It was already starting to tire him, pretending like he wasn't jumping at loud noises or seeing deadly images every time he closed his eyes. The haunted look on his face was only aggravated by the painful decisions he had to make - and was forcing Lena to make. For anyone else, he would have set the smile back into place, doing his best to appear unfazed by recent events, but this was Tal, and they'd always been honest with each other. 

Finding a bench amongst the open snow, he eased his heavy body onto the wood like an old man. Settled, Zavien braced his head on a stabilizing hand with a deep sigh. "Tal.... I - I think I messed up." The words were frayed at the edges, his regrets and wounds laid bare for Tal to hear. He didn't know how to begin or what to say. How much had Alys told him? Which mistake did he start with? His death? His decision to leave home? His professed love for Lena? It felt like there were too many to list. In his search for a simple answer, he slipped into tense silence, his jaw clenching against the worries.

Tal had left Alys's side reluctantly, but with Sohalia to keep her company and Boreal plastered to her leg he had promised to come back soon and followed Zavien a little ways off from the festivities. At first he'd been wanly happy to see his friend, but something on the Dragoon's eyes was... haunted. He didn't know what was wrong - didn't know what he could do about anything when he could barely keep himself and Alys from falling apart - but he could at least offer his ear to his friend.

The bench was big enough for two and Tal settled down next to the other man with a worried tilt of his head. The grimace that Zav's words brought to his face felt like an old friend because he knew how a confession like that felt. It was... weird?? to be on the receiving end of it for once, but he took a deep breath and leaned sideways, pressing his shoulder against his friend's in silent support. He tried to find the right words to say, but in the end all he could come up with was: "How can we fix it?"

Because of course he was going to help. Zavien was his friend, and they were in this - whatever this was - together.

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

Tal's immediate, unquestioning support eased the stress clutching at him. It allowed him to take a deep, steadying breath. He ran both hands through his hair as he leaned back on the seat, grateful for his friend's shoulder. "I - I don't know - I don't know if I can." To put the pieces back together when they felt so shattered and irreparable seemed impossible, like trying to put every grain of sand back into a cracked hourglass. He couldn't turn back time. He couldn't take back his choices. He just had to deal with the consequences. 

"I need to get stronger, because I can't go through that again - I can't put others through that again." Soh still didn't seem to know, but Mel and Alys had been there. They'd had to see his broken body. Just the thought made him shiver, nauseous at the memory of darkness. "I don't know how much Alys told you, or if you put it together from the broadcast, but I - I didn't make it." The word 'died' still refused to come from his mouth, sticking in his chest like a barb that threatened to rip at his heart, but he wanted Tal to know. He considered him a close friend, and he didn't want to have to hide such a pivotal life moment from him. It would also help explain why he was so scared, because that was what he felt: scared. Of dying, of losing people, of failing again, of everything. Zavien had never felt so scared in his life. 

Letting out a humorless chuckle to disguise the pain, he shook his head. "It seemed so simple at the time, to leave Stormbreak in order to recover out of reach from the Family - just until I could get my strength back. But now..." He lapsed into silence, trying to grapple with all the emotions before explaining, "It wasn't fair of me to ask to begin with, but Lena is having difficulties agreeing to go with me. And I - I can't do it without her. I can't focus on what I need to if she's still in harm's way." But could he risk staying in Stormbreak and drawing more attention to himself? Would the Family even allow that?

His thoughts swirled and crashed against each other, continuing the same pattern of uncertainties that he'd struggled with for days. Zavien looked at the snow, kneading his hands together as his mind wandered. "You know, I thought a lot about her when I - " 'died'. He paused for a moment, clenching his jaw again. "Remi encouraged me to tell her how I feel, but I think I messed up... I - I told her I love her..." Swallowing, he fought against the dampness that gathered in his eyes, the regret evident while he rambled on, trying to justify himself. "I know it was selfish. I know it was stupid. I know it's too soon for her. But I could only think about her not knowing - because I do love her." His breathing hitched and he leaned forward to brace against his knees, thrown into the chaos of his emotions again. "Did I ruin everything?" He could barely get the question out, but he needed to hear the answer. Like a soldier waiting for the death toll, he could only go on knowing what damage he'd done and how it may impact everything else.

Something terrible had happened, and Tal chewed his lower lip in worry that he wasn't able to hide as Zavien - cheerful, optimistic, endlessly brave and kind - cracked and came apart at the edges. His brow furrowed in confusion at his friend's first words, but as he continued Tal's eyes widened with dawning horror. "What... y'mean th'one who died was--?" Alys had told him about Sascha's death, and he knew that Melita had been the one to bring the little bear's body back to the Citadel, but he hadn't asked his partner to dwell on the rest of the details. He'd just assumed that the one who died had been the small ursur. Hearing that it had been Zavien was like getting punched in the gut and Tal leaned forward, unable to breathe as he processed the information. The fact that the man was sitting next to him telling the tale obviously meant that he'd gotten better but--

Tal acted without thinking, pulling the Dragoon into a tight - maybe painfully tight - hug. He released him quickly, self-conscious of the sudden outpouring of awkward emotion, and ducked his head while he cleared his throat. "I-- sorry. I didn't know-- Anyways, keep goin'," he mumbled, rubbing at his nose.

He nodded enthusiastic agreement to leaving Stormbreak, but then the complications started to come out and Tal paused, brow furrowing once more as things went from 'his friend had really actually died' to 'and now shit's gotten real fuckin' complicated'. He reached over to squeeze Zav's forearm in support and tentative congratulations at the news that he'd told Lena his feelings, but somehow he didn't think his friend would look so miserable if it had gone well. The question that it all ended on felt way to heavy for the courier to lift and he froze, swallowing hard as he tried to pull his thoughts together into a semblance of something that could help Zavien.

"Uh, well... I dunno about everythin'," he said slowly. "Hail, I dunno if y'even ruined anythin'. I mean... She came with you today, yeah? So it can't be all bad?" He clung to that hope as he cleared his throat again and rubbed the back of his neck. "But askin' her t'leave Stormbreak... I get why y'want 'er safe, but she's not exactly helpless, y'know? I mean, Frey chose her t'be Their Caretaker for th'whole ass Celestine. Askin' her t'walk away from a task a god gave her... I dunno." He winced, biting his lip so hard it almost bled. He hunched forward as his voice took on a more hesitant tone and he glanced to Zavien out of the corner of his eyes as he charged ahead like a bull in a china shop to ask the blunt question that rose to the top of his mind. "D'you not trust her t'be able t'take care o'herself?"

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

Tal's shock told him enough about how much he knew. Apparently, Alys and Mel hadn't told many people, which he was simultaneously grateful for, and not. It meant that he had to be the one to break the news to people, to decide who he told and how. Other than Tal and Lena, he hoped to tell Koa at some point, but others...? He didn't know if he was ready. 

Zavien accepted the hug, returning it as well as he could from the angle he was sitting. The contact was like a burst of sunlight breaking through his troubles, casting aside doubts and fears with the ease of a gentle breeze against the lingering morning fog. His inhale was lighter, the constant tightness of his throat weakening even as his breath shook. A single tear broke through the dam he'd worked to build, but he swiped it away as Tal withdrew, determined not to break completely. There were too many things to discuss. 

His head nodded in agreement with Tal's assessment, trying to fuel the hope that he had nurtured, the hope that he hadn't ruined it all. There were certainly signs, considering she hadn't pushed him away completely, but the fear still clung to him like a detestable odor, making him hesitant to believe that they'd weathered the storm. Zavien just didn't know if their fledgling relationship could withstand his new trauma, or the threat of prolonged separation. 

He also couldn't say he believed in her fighting capabilities after their multiple training sessions, but her willpower and determination were enough to stand against any foe. It was one of the reasons he loved her. So the question made him perk up, almost offended by the thought. "Of course I trust her." Pausing, Zavien shook his head emphatically, gesturing to the floating island in the distance. "But I don't trust them." The purple monsters who were infecting his city, and the rest of Caido, in some sick desire to control them. It made him nauseous just thinking about how they'd shown they were willing to do anything to those who didn't agree with them. Soh and Flora were just the examples he could think of (that he knew of at least). 

A tremble started back in his fingers, quickly spreading to his spine. "Tal, I don't have any family left. If they wanted to hurt me or send me some warning, they would go for her." His breathing quickened, panic making him fidget, kneading his hands and shifting the snow with his boot. All the anxieties seemed to flood back. "And I don't know if I could live with myself if - " He let Tal finish the sentence with all the grisly possibilities that he'd thought of in the last week. Grinding his teeth, Zavien sucked in a breath. "How do I protect her if I'm not with her? Should I stay in Stormbreak and possibly draw their attention? People have been getting infected left and right. I worry that it will only be a matter of time before every Breaker is infected - including Lena - and I have no way to stop it." And even if he was with her, or in Stormbreak, he'd proven himself too weak to protect even himself. It just made him more hopeless that there was any way out, which felt like something so foreign and strange to his optimistic mind. He had to prop his head in his hands, trying to slow the racing of his heartbeat with slow breaths. He'd promised Lena a dance, he couldn't fall apart now.

Tal studiously pretended not to notice the single manly tear, knowing Zav would do the same for him if their positions were reversed, but he was glad that he had been able to help a little. He was even more glad for the momentary reprieve when the details of what had come after dying came out and the problems got a lot thornier and more complicated.

His frown of intense thought actually briefly quirked towards a wan smile at his friend's immediate staunch defense of Lena and the trust he had in her, but the caveat that followed had the courier nodding glum agreement. He definitely didn't trust the Family, either, but as Zavien continued Tal felt a cold lump of fear congeal in the pit of his stomach. He leaned against his friend's shoulder again, offering what support he could at the reminder that his family was at risk from his actions. That Alys, who had already lost so much, was even more of a target.

And the Family didn't play fair.

The courier chewed his lip, struggling with finding an answer to a problem that seemed pretty damn unsolvable. At least, as far as the dragoon getting everything he wanted out of the situation. Knowing that Zavien had died and only recently come back, though, put things in a very different context and Tal scowled down at the ground as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "This... prob'ly isn't gonna help much," he admitted reluctantly. Scaring Zavien further wasn't likely to help at all, in fact, but the soldier had asked for bluntness, right? "But... is there even anywhere on Caido that they can't reach, if they really wanted to? Stormbreak or Halo or th'Greatwood... Sure, they're th'most open about it in Stormbreak, but askin' Lena t'leave her home an' friends an' work at th'Celestine... we can't guarantee that she'll be safer anywhere else, I don't think." His scowl turned to a grimace as his shoulders hunched up in unhappiness at not having a better answer. "Y'need t'let yourself heal. But... y'can't make Lena do anythin' she doesn't want to, either. Maybe y'can find a place t'hole up for awhile an' she can visit y'there regularly? An' worst case... well, I'll help y'quest for a way t'see Void infection, so if anythin' does happen t'her, we've got th'healin' springs in Halo." oh you sweet summer child.

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

Zavien tried to calm the stress starting to constrict his chest again, hoping to hear Tal through the beating of his heart. The words made sense, and Lena had said as much, but wasn't anywhere safer than the city occupied by three member of the Family? And if they continued on their path, who was to say there would be a Celestine to care for? Every path and argument seemed to end in one imaginable disaster or another. It made him sink further into his hands, convinced he might be able to push reason into his brain. 

He only stopped at Tal's offer, releasing his head to look around, as if someone might have snuck up on them during their conversation. Zavien spun the blue ring around his finger as he shook his head. "My ring... actually lets me sense who's infected. It's how I know that things are getting worse..." At home, and everywhere else. It was hard to decide if ignorance would be better, but he had yet to remove the ring. Clenching his teeth, he elaborated, "Just the other day, Vox infected Koa's sister in the middle of their party. I - I was so stunned. It all happened so quickly, and I didn't want them to know that I'd noticed..." So he'd done nothing - and said nothing. It'd seemed like a smart, strategic move at the time, but now he wondered if it was the start of this fear that had taken hold in him. 

Those thoughts wouldn't help him now, and Zavien reeled them back to focus on the decisions that lay before him. Taking a deep breath, he turned his pained eyes to Tal. "So you - you think I'm overreacting? Should I... just try to lay low in Stormbreak?" His emotions were so heightened, it was hard to tell up from down. He wouldn't be surprised if his judgement had been damaged with his body. It was one of the reasons he'd sought out Tal and his unbiased counsel. Perhaps he needed to hear the hard truths to dispel the catastrophizing that stormed through his mind.

Tal blinked in surprise at the news that Dragoon also had a way to see infected, and he drew in a sharp breath. "Well... that's good for Lena," he said, trying to find the silver lining. "An' makin' sure she's safe." That Zavien could trust her, though Tal didn't say that part out loud.

Then the other shoe dropped, about more infections, and the courier clenched his jaw, hands tightening into fists as his stomach dropped out. "Wait, Koa's sister? But... where was he??" Was he alright? Fear for his friend twisted Tal's stomach and he looked to Zavien for answers. Sure, he hadn't heard from the Captain of the Dragoons in a while, but that wasn't unusual with how much traveling the Messenger did. But did the silence mean something worse...? It didn't even cross his mind to blame Zavien for not trying to stop it. Not when he had already been killed by the Void once!

Pale eyes met blue and at the first question that came back at him Tal shook his head vehemently. "No, you're reactin' just fine," he assured his friend. "Y'fuckin' died, Zav. That's... I can't even begin t'figure out how t'deal with that. It's a lot. But I understand not wantin' t'stay in Stormbreak right now. Maybe Torchline, since they've got all those shields...?" At least there would be fewer Void critters wandering around. Though Starfall was just sitting there on the horizon. Waiting. Watching.

Gestating a dark crystal egg with a freaky space god inside it. Or something equally bad.

"I just..." Having reached the end of his really good advice Tal sighed and pushed his hand back through his hair. "I know you're scared for her, but you're gonna have t'trust Lena knows what she's doin' if she wants t'stay in Stormbreak. I mean, did she ask you t'stay with her there?" Somehow, he had trouble envisioning the Caretaker asking someone to stay someplace where they were dealing with so much trauma.

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

He understood Tal's concerns, having thought of them all himself. His hands continued kneading together, burdened with knowledge and worries. "Koa's been busy with Dragoon business, so he wasn't able to attend. And I - I haven't had a moment to tell him..." Koa would be devastated, and he was already so overworked and overwhelmed with how things had ended with Flora... Zavien just couldn't bring himself to pile more on his plate until they had a one-on-one conversation, and he didn't know when that would be. 

To hear that he wasn't overreacting was a relief, but it only led him back to the decision to leave Stormbreak. It broke his heart to think about leaving Lena there alone, to leave his home regardless, even if Tal agreed with him. Nodding his head, he looked down again. "I - You're probably right... I just - " The truth bubbled up as a particularly embarrassing and vulnerable thought surfaced. Before he could let the anxieties clamp down the words, Zavien whispered, "I don't want to be alone..." His head hung, weighed by the reality that death had placed on him. He was scared. He was filled to the brim with worries about everything and everyone. And he was fearful of the thoughts and memories that continued to darken his mind. Without someone to pull him out, would he be able to stay the course? To focus on getting stronger? To get back into the fight?

"No..." Because Lena hadn't asked him to stay. He almost wished she had; then he might have felt like she wanted to help him through everything. Instead, he felt like a villain, a burden, making her choose whether she cared more about him or the Celestine. How was she supposed to choose him when they'd only just started dating? It was such a selfish hope that he could do nothing but blame himself for the resulting pain.

Tal grimaced but nodded reluctant understanding of the quandary that Zavien found himself in with Koa. How did you tell your friend that their family member was infected? It felt like just one more straw on Zav's back, and it was no wonder that the man was being crushed beneath the weight of everything in his life at the moment. It was more than one man should be asked to bear, but Caido wasn't in the habit of taking volunteers.

Zavien's heartbreak was obvious and the courier winced. He leaned back into his friend's shoulder, hoping he could help to ground him the way Boreal did for him, but the admission - the confession - that slipped out before the Dragoon could stop it had Tal reaching an arm around his shoulders to pull his friend into a rough, awkward half-hug again. "Hey, I know I'm not as pretty as Lena, but Boreal an' me an' Sol - we're more'n just chopped liver, aren't we?" Maybe it wasn't the best way to reassure the other man, but unfortunately for Zavien, Tal was all he had in the moment. "An' Koa, too! An' I'm sure there're others, yeah?" He gave his shoulder an extra squeeze. "Wherever y'go, you've got friends, Zav. You're not alone, I promise. An' Lena's trustin' you t'take care o' yourself an' come back when you're ready. Y'just gotta trust in her, too."

Zavien

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

Zavien leaned into the hug for support, the contact continuing to break away the darkness like nothing else could. With his friend beside him, it felt like he could cast aside every worry, take on every challenge. It was strange how a single hug could do that for him. A small smile even peeked through the pain and anxiety, lightening his mood somewhat. "You're very pretty, Tal." Certainly not as pretty as Lena, but handsome in his own right, and more than adequate enough to be a great confidant. 

His hands stopped kneading against each other and his breaths came more easily with the echo of a familiar smile on his face. His head nodded slowly, willing himself to believe everything his friend said, to engrave it on his heart that he wasn't alone. Despite his efforts, the doubts still lingered. The fog clung to the edge of his vision, tainting any efforts to see clearly, but he vowed not to let them win. He wouldn't let the fear rule his life. He hadn't before, and he wouldn't start now. 

Zavien lifted an arm to wrap it around Tal tightly. "Thank you, Tal. You're a good friend." Although his limbs were still heavy with anxiety and his eyes still rimmed with darkness, a soft smile melted onto his features like the glow of sunlight filtering through a frosted glass window. Maybe if he kept practicing, it would dissolve the ice obscuring everything. 

Letting out a deep sigh, he shifted away. "I should probably talk with Lena again, and I'm sure you want to be with Alys right now. I'm sorry to have pulled you away." He didn't say how much she needed Tal, knowing that the courier would understand her best. She'd lost someone dear to her, and that wasn't something she would quickly recover from. Even occupying Tal's time for these few minutes felt selfish, but he'd needed a friend, and he'd cherished every moment. However, he couldn't monopolize him forever, so Zavien slowly stood, careful of his right side as he pushed off the bench. With a gentle smile, he asked, "Should we get back to the Feast, and our lovely ladies?"

"Hmph. Don't go gettin' sappy on me now, Zav," the courier deflected gruffly, but he looked self-consciously pleased at the compliment as he gave his friend's shoulders a final squeeze before letting him go. He stayed leaning lightly against the Dragoon, however, lending his physical support while his friend worked through the demons that were haunting him.

It was well worth it when Zavien relaxed enough to return a half-embrace and smiled again, and Tal managed a flicker of a grin in response. He had his own sorrows with Sascha's death and Alys's pain weighing on his soul, but helping his friend made them seem a little less piercing, at least for a little while. He didn't know what to say to the even more heartfelt words of gratitude so he just ducked his head and cleared his throat, hoping his ears weren't too obviously red.

As they separated and started to say their farewells Tal stood and offered his hand to pull Zavien to his feet. "She understands," he said, affection and gratitude evident in his own voice for his partner's patience with his choices. "An' I'm glad I was able t'help, at least a little." He took a deep breath, straightening his shoulders as he looked for the lovely ladies in question, eyes roving through the crowds to spot them a little ways off. "We probably won't stay much longer, but I'm glad we ran into each other. Y'let me know if y'need a ride anywhere, yeah? Th'Peregrine'll take y'where y'need t'go."

~Fin