[SE] precious as a song

Alys

Alys was nervous.

She’d been so excited to receive the quest from Mort to get Sascha back that she hadn’t stopped to consider the implications of what she’d been asked to do. And at the top of her list was to understand what it would be like for Sascha, coming back from the dead - which meant finding people who had done it and asking them about it. And the first name that came to mind was Zavien - a man who was so recently returned that she wasn’t sure he’d had time to recover from the trauma of it all, and of whom she would now be tasked with asking the impossible.

She’d been vague in asking him to meet with her, but had mentioned that she needed help with a quest from Mort. And that seemed to have at least gotten her to the part where they had scheduled a meeting in Sidhe Village, made a purchase of a few snacks, and made their way out to the woods. If they were going to talk, she reasoned, they could at least do so in enjoyable surroundings - and if they found a Vi’s Rose while they were at it, all the better.

”So,” she said as they walked beneath the red river floating above. ”Thank you for meeting with me. I know I was a little vague on the details, but I thought this request demanded to be made in person.”

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

Distance from Stormbreak had helped some things and harmed others. On one hand, Zavien didn't feel a constant debilitating fear seizing his spine at every moment. On the other hand, his heart ached for what he'd left behind. It was hard to tell whether it was worth it or not, but he kept assuring himself that it was temporary. He would be back home with Lena before her knew it. He just had to get stronger, to work through whatever this was. 

When he'd received Aly's letter, he'd been relieved to know that she was at such a point in her own healing journey. Although the unmentioned 'request' squeezed at his chest. All of his own in-person conversations recently had been bad and worse news, making him immediately suspicious of what she may have to say. Once they'd gathered their supplies and entered the woods, his eyes narrowed, and he ran a hand through his hair. "Now you have me worried. Is everything okay?" Was she okay? They hadn't seen each other since the Feast, and even then, they hadn't spoken much. It made him wonder if Tal hadn't been completely honest about her progress after losing Sascha. Sol seemed equally interested in the conversation, sitting at Zavien's feet with a curious tilt of his head that paused his frequent scanning for danger.

Zavien

Alys

Alys winced at Zavien's concern and almost decided against giving voice to her request. How was it fair of her to drag him through his trauma all over again, especially when she would be forced to feel it right alongside him, unbeknownst to him? Wasn't it a breach of privacy, when she would understand him so completely, even without him knowing?

But she couldn't think of anyone else who had died and come back, and she had to start her quest somewhere. "No - I mean, yes, everything's fine," Alys hastened to assure the dragoon. "It's just..." She paused, once again questioning whether this was the right thing to do, or if she was being selfish. Surely there was someone else - anyone else - who she could ask. But even if there was... wouldn't they have the same feelings to work through as Zavien?

"I went to see Mort," she told him. "And he actually answered, and... and he gave me a quest to... bring Sascha back from the dead." Gods, but why was this so hard? If nothing else, Zavien was Tal's friend - and, she thought, one of hers, too - and she hated that what she had to ask him was probably the last thing he expected or wanted. "One of the tasks Mort gave me was to understand what it's like to be brought back from death. And... you can say no, and we don't have to ever talk about this again, but... you're the only person I know who's been revived, so I thought... I'd ask if I could... talk to you about it."

Yup, this was officially a terrible idea.

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

Alys seemed suddenly very nervous, tripping over her own words in a way that made him want to fidget. If only to keep from letting the worry overwhelm him, Zavien clenched his teeth, his jaw feathering with the effort. 

At first, he couldn't tell where she was going with everything. He listened as best he could. That Mort had somehow answered her was enough of a surprise, but a quest to bring back Sascha? It was unbelievable - and the best piece of news he'd heard in a long time. Hope and joy bloomed in his chest. He might have smiled and congratulated Alys if she didn't look so distraught about everything. And the question remained: what did it have to do with him? 

Words slowly filtered into his mind, piecing together the request she was laying before him. If he understood correctly - and it was very hard to tell through the tightening of his chest - she was asking him to talk about his death, and not just the facts of the events, but his experience. His eyes were wide as he reached to Sol for comfort. The golden dragon pushed against his leg, the weight giving him the strength to swallow his selfish discomfort regarding the topic. 

Clearing his throat, Zavien gave her a thin smile. "I - uh. That's great news." Because no matter what, getting Sascha back was a good thing that would help reverse some of the loss and damage that the Void/Family had inflicted. His voice came out softer as he admitted, "It's not really something I've talked about with anyone..." Most people had wanted to know the 'how' of everything, not delving into his experience or feelings during death, which he'd been grateful for. It wasn't really something he liked to relive. It wasn't something he was proud of.

But for Alys - for Sascha - he was willing to walk through the darkness again. He just had to remind himself that it wasn't real. He wasn't dying again. It was just a memory, just a feeling that couldn't touch him again - 

But that was wrong.

Because it could touch him. Death would claim him again, and it terrified him to think it might come sooner than later. Just the thought had his breath coming quicker, heart racing in his chest. His entire being rebelled against that finality. 

Sol's pressure against his leg increased, a soft whine pulling Zavien from the spiraling thoughts. He took in a deep, shuddering breath to clear his mind, glancing up at Alys with shadowed eyes full of pain. "I - I don't know what you want to know... but if it helps bring Sascha back, I'll try my best to help." And he meant it, because Sol was one of the only things holding him together right now. How could he deny Alys that same support?

Zavien

Alys

Alys was dancing around her request, and she knew it: she could feel Zavien's confusion crawling in the space between them until her words actually hit him, and when they did, she thought he might deny her. His emotions swamped her, and she struggled to keep her own composure in the face of the pain and fear that Zavien faced.

She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, I - you don't have to -" she started, but Zavien's dragon whined softly, interrupting whatever she was about to say. She watched as some understanding that she wasn't privy to flickered between man and companion, and when Zavien glanced back at her, it was with a shadowed kind of resolve. "Thank you," she said softly, meaning it with her whole heart. Despite the flood of emotions - Zavien's and her own - she found immediate relief in knowing that he was willing to try.

Alys looked up, at the crimson river flowing above them, hoping to relieve some of the pressure on Zavien that watching him might add to the conversation. "Mort said that I need to understand the experience of coming back," she said. "So that I could understand what Sascha would go through. But - I guess my first question would be, if you had been given a choice... would you have chosen to come back? Even with everything... you know. Like it is?" With the Family and the Void and everything else going on, she had to wonder if her desire to bring Sascha back wasn't just a selfish wish that ought not be seen to its conclusion.

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

Alys's questions pulled him back to the snow of Halo, the blood pooling in his lungs as the life left him. The memory sent pain through his scar so sharp that it made him gasp softly, closing his eyes to dispel the tension building in the puckered skin. He placed a stabilizing hand against the sealed wound as he took a deep breath. "Well... I - I'm not sure."

He copied Alys, glancing up at the Crimson Cataract like it might distract him from the refuse of emotions he had to wade through. "When I - " Swallowing, he said the word aloud for the second time. "Um. When I - died.... I didn't think there was ever a possibility of coming back." He'd known of Ronin's ability, but he was in the middle of the Tundra with battle raging around him. And he hadn't even heard of a revivify feather. It didn't seem feasible, and he didn't consider himself important enough for people to attempt such a feat. 

Zavien shook his head against the negativity to continue. "So when it ended... I chose to be..." He paused, trying to find the word before it finally came to him, "content." His hands came together, kneading the blood like it might bring warmth back to his body. Pressing his thumb firmly into his palm, he said softly, "I didn't want to leave any regrets or bitterness, so I - uh - I just... accepted it." His shoulders came up in a shrug, but the pang in his chest told of the conflict with his decision, with how easily he'd just 'given up.'

It nearly brought him down the spiral again, but he reached a hand down subconsciously to Sol's head, soothing the emotions enough to let him glance up at Alys. "So... I guess the short answer is no." Not wanting her to mistake his meaning, he added, "But only because I made the decision to leave everything behind so that I could rest in peace..." Shame and embarrassment filled him, making his head hang, already feeling drained from the confessions. His hand moved over Sol's golden scales as he steeled himself for the other questions she may have.

Zavien

Alys

Tension built in the space between them, and Alys winced as she realized just how deeply her question had cut. She resisted the urge to reach out to comfort Zavien; she wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t just make things worse to even place a gentle hand on his arm. She felt so many emotions playing through his mind, many of which she didn’t fully understand or that didn’t last long enough for her to parse through. She swallowed hard. She should never have asked this of him, but now that they’d started, she didn’t know how to stop.

So she listened to his description, meeting his gaze when he glanced at her. ”None of your friends would have wanted you to do anything differently, Zavien,” she told him, being careful not to reveal just how deeply she felt the shame and embarrassment from her magic. ”If it had truly been your time, we would have wanted peace for you. There’s no shame in that.”

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

Despite the straining and rubbing of his emotions, Zavien could feel something shifting in his chest. Alys didn't shy from his confessions, validating the feelings he still hadn't come to accept. It loosened the hold on his chest to make his breathing just a touch easier. Looking to Sol, he let out a tense sigh. "I know that - deep down... but it felt like I shouldn't have given up so easily..." Him, the ever-optimist, had abandoned hope of salvation, falling into the darkness of death. 

His green eyes came back up to meet Alys. Wincing, he added, "And the regrets I'd pushed down came back in full force - with a vengeance." Like they blamed him for abandoning them, they'd gripped at him tightly, magnifying the pain and guilt. Even now, he felt them urging him to train, to love, to live before he lost the chance.

Zavien

Alys

Alys felt the moment that Zavien relaxed, even incrementally, and offered a small smile to her friend. ”Was it really giving up, though?” she mused softly, her voice gentle and nonjudgmental. ”You had no way of knowing there was a way back. I don’t know, Zavien - if I was in your position, I hope I would have had the strength to embrace death.” Whether or not she would, though, she hoped she’d never have to find out. She had too much life left to live to see it ended any time soon.

Swallowing down the dread that seeped into her at the thought of herself or her loved ones being lost to Mort’s halls, she frowned and considered Zavien’s confession. ”So… you accepted death and found peace, but coming back disrupted that for you.” She certainly didn’t want to disturb Sascha’s peace, and she found herself disheartened by the information Zavien provided. ”Was it… worth it?” she asked, tentative and unsure. ”Coming back, I mean.”

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

Zavien listened to her words carefully, hoping to instill some of her confidence in himself. It blanketed over his emotions, but didn't do more than soothe them and give him something to consider later. Right now, he had to answer the question of whether it was all 'worth it.' His eyes narrowed, uncertainty lining his words. "I guess so..."

It was hard to describe the complexities of his resurrection. Hoping it might help, he started at the event itself. "The moment I was brought back, there was a sense of... relief that flooded me." So much so that he'd shed tears of joy as Sunjata carried him to the infirmary. Sure, he was still mortally wounded, in excruciating pain, getting a lecture in the rain, but he was alive. "I hadn't wanted to die, so coming back was a pleasant surprise..." Met with gratitude and opportunities; however, he couldn't ignore the struggles that had plagued him. 

Running a nervous hand through his hair, he swallowed down any urge to sugarcoat the truth. Alys needed to know everything if she was going to make the decision to bring Sascha back. So, in a soft voice just above a whisper, Zavien said, "But it also came with its own slew of difficulties: scars, nightmares, fear, strained relationships..." He could probably come up with a plethora of other side effects, but he just shook his head. "It's not something to be taken lightly."

Zavien

Alys

As Zavien described his experience, Alys swallowed hard, guilt at making him relive what could easily be described as the worst moment of his life coursing through her veins. It was selfish of her, really, and yet she hadn’t been able to stop herself when it came down to it. The promise of getting Sascha back lured her forward in her efforts, and she was drawn to it almost against all else.

”I understand,” Alys murmured, returning her gaze to the Crimson Cataract above. Even if she couldn’t empathize with Zavien, his words had given her a great deal to think about, and sympathy for all he’d been through filled her veins. ”It’s hard to know the right thing to do,” she admitted. ”Am I being selfish, wanting to bring Sascha back, even knowing that it might cause her pain?”

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

Alys may claim understanding, but Zavien wasn't sure anyone could understand if they hadn't died before. It was an indescribable experience that he wouldn't choose to relive. So, he didn't answer the question of whether it was selfish, not sure what he would say or do in her position. Instead, he looked to Sol who was staring at him with golden eyes pooled with concern. The dragon could feel the tumultuous emotions threatening to disrupt Zavien but was powerless to do anything more than be present - and that was more than enough for now. 

Running his other hand through his hair, the Dragoon met Alys's gaze. "I certainly can't blame you for wanting to, but I also can't speak for what Sascha might want." Whether the ursur was willing to bear the weight of death. And after being gone for so long already... he didn't know what kind of effect that might have on the companion. His smile was comforting, attempting to soften the brutal truth of his words. "She probably misses you dearly. Just know that when she comes back, things might not be the same as before..."

Zavien

Alys

Alys fell silent, her gaze fixed on the crimson rivulets above. She’d never wanted to imagine a world in which Sascha didn’t exist, and now that she’d lived that nightmare, she was determined to bring her back - but at what cost? When Mort had allowed her to see Sascha, it had been a beautiful and healing thing. Would bringing her back to life ruin that precious memory, leaving the little ursur a shell of what she’d been before? Would she even want to live, plagued by the nightmares and pain that Zavien described?

After a few moments, Alys sighed. ”Thank you, Zavien. I know this wasn’t easy.” She wrung her hands, fiddling with her rings as she glanced back at her friend. ”I don’t think I have any more questions,” she said. ”But you’ve given me a lot to think about. I… won’t make this decision lightly.” And indeed, in the days and weeks to come, Alys would consider every word, playing the conversation - and Zavien’s mixed emotions - over and over in her mind.

sometimes i think all i'm ever doing is
trying to convince myself i'm alive

Deeds will not be less valiant
because they are unpraised.

He was relieved to hear that her questions were done, letting out a quiet sigh. "Of course. I should probably get more comfortable talking about it anyways." His smile was dim but present, trying to joke but not quite hitting the mark. The emotions were still too raw for that yet. That she wasn't going to make the decision lightly, had his head dipping. "That's all I ask. And if you do have any more questions, I'll do what I can to help." Because he hadn't yet lost his compassion for others, even if it meant reliving the worst experience of his life (and death). 

In the wake of their conversation, Zavien felt it the right time to broach another topic that he'd considered on his way to meet her. He ran a nervous hand through his hair as he said, "I - um, have a strange request of my own - if you're willing." Figuring she'd want to know more details of the situation, he shuffled his feet, eyes glancing between her and the ground as he stumbled through the words. "In order to strengthen my sword, Safrin has required that I... burn myself with it." He flinched at the words, already imagining how painful it was going to be. But he pushed on, determination to grow his own strength flashing in his eyes. 

When he looked back to Alys, he was sympathetic but resolved as he asked, "I don't expect it to be very fun to watch, but would you heal me after?" Recalling how she'd helped with his snake bite, it seemed an appropriate request. Otherwise, it might take weeks to heal, leaving another scar on his body and hindering his training.

Zavien