only a man lookin' for a dream

KOA

Sinking down so the water covers up to his chest line, Koa shuts his eyes and inhales the steam. He doesn't open them right away; perhaps to spare her modesty, perhaps out of sheer bliss. "Gods, that's good," he moans out happily, leaning his head to rest on the lip of the bath. He's stunningly aware of the woman beside him, her body slipping beneath the water, her feet now close enough to his that any movement might cause them to touch. They're not even sitting directly adjacent, and yet in the confine of the pool he his awareness of her is a physical thing.

But he's trying to seem nonchalant about it, so it's only once she's settled that he turns his focus back to Sohalia, tilting his copper gaze her way with what he hopes is a relaxed smile. "Thank you," he chuckles, letting his hand float upon the water, his fingers skimming over tiny waves. "I can't tell you how much I needed this. I don't think I've been properly clean since I left Stormbreak." His nose scrunches at the thought.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Gods, but Koa was a good man. He settled comfortably in the bath, seemingly unbothered by Soh’s timid thanks or her proximity - of which she was hyperaware. The bath was smaller than it had first appeared, and they sat so close that she could move her foot and touch his, if she chose to do so. Whether or not she would choose remained to be seen.

For now, she was content just to soak in the water. It felt divine, calming her racing heart and leaving her humming her agreement. ”Well, take your time,” Soh said with a smile. ”We don’t have anywhere to be. Tea and whiskey can wait.”

Not wanting to break the spell by asking any of the obvious questions (how’s Stormbreak, how’s Noe, what happened), the Luminary fell silent, gazing lazily out the skylight above them and into a bright blue sky. It was a beautiful day, in her opinion made even more glorious because of the man beside her. ”So…” she began after a few moments, tilting her head to catch Koa’s eye, her silver gaze sparkling with mischief. ”Is this better than the Eye of the Storm?” Maybe she was playing with fire, but if it kept the conversation light and off of the subject of the Family or the Void or Koa’s infected sister… well, that was a sacrifice she was willing to make.

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

It shouldn't be comfortable, sitting like this. There are so many things unsaid between them: hard things, painful things, things that should stick and cut and blister, should chafe and stifle and oppress. Yet her they are, lapsed into easy silence, content to soak in each other's presence while gently scented water laps their worries away.

There are things Koa wants to ask her, of course. Surface things, like What's the plan for Stormbreak? or Where do you live now? or You almost died, are you really okay? And then there are the deeper questions, the ones he barely lets himself look at. Are you seeing anyone? Do you still think about me? What are we supposed to be? This last one is the trickiest, because no answer feels perfect and yet many feel tempting. Safest, of course, is friends and colleagues, but that leaves room for so much more. Are they actually friends? Could they be something different? She'd made it clear she didn't want romance, but that didn't rule out the physical, the undeniable spark of attraction that's been there since their eyes first met. Is that something she could do, sex without commitment?

Is it something he could do, with her?

But for now he doesn't think about that; or at least, doesn't think too hard. Thinking is exhausting, especially for poor Koa, and he's content to bask in the sun and steam. Her question elicits a rumble of laughter, surprised by it but not displeased. Cracking one copper eye open, he fixes her with a hooded, speculative gaze. "Hmm... the warmth is nice, but there's something missing." He lifts his right arm out of the water, draping it across the back of the pool - his fingers now centimeters from Soh's bare skin. "Though I can't argue with view." Koa arcs an eyebrow, mouth twitching playfully. It's dangerously close to an admission, an invitation, and he knows he's tempting fire.

But damnit if he isn't just a dumb boy at the end of the day, sitting mostly naked next to a gorgeous woman in a semi-private pool after a long, long few months. You try executing perfect judgment. Go ahead. We'll wait.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

There were so many things unsaid between them, Soh's apology only the tip of the very large iceberg. If he asked, she'd tell him anything he wanted to know: that yes, she still thought about him; yes, she very much wanted romance from him, thank you very much; and yes, if he wanted it, wanted her, she'd happily jump into bed with him with no strings attached and keep her very big, very unhelpful feelings to herself.

She'd managed to trick herself for so long into thinking that she was past everything that had happened, that she would be able to focus on Stormbreak and Stormbreak alone - but Stormbreak came with Koa, and gods, but he was perfect, and kind, and gentle, and everything she remembered him being and yet somehow more. She couldn't help but wonder, in a tiny corner in the back of her mind, if this, being brought together again, was somehow fate. If maybe, maybe there could be a second chance for them - one where she didn't irrevocably fuck things up.

But at the end of the day, it had never been Soh for him, not really; he hadn't loved her, not the way he'd loved Flora, and maybe that knowledge was part of what held her back.

Koa lifted his right arm and draped it across the back of the pool, so close that Soh could feel the heat from his fingertips. Goosebumps raised on her skin, longing sparking in her chest that he should reach that last minuscule distance between them. "Nor can I," she said, glancing at him sidelong, her silver gaze darkening. She'd always been attracted to him, ever since the first time they met, and that, at least, hadn't changed.

She casually shifted position, her foot slipping over to touch his - gently, cautiously, almost as if it was an accident. If he moves his foot, he doesn't want me, she thought to herself. It's just flirting, and that's fine.

She tried to ignore the tiny voice in the back of her mind calling that a lie.

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

The Koa of today is different than the one she used to know. He's a little more cautious, a little less cocksure, a little less likely to wear his his heart on his sleeve. Wiser, he would like to think, though that may be giving the kid more credit than he's due. He is, after all, still twenty-three.

He's got years of bad decisions to make.

He's very aware of her darkening gaze, just as he's very aware of the way her bare foot has pressed up against his. But he doesn't move his own away, doesn't sever the connection that adheres them. Copper eyes drop from her eyes to her lips, trace the curve of a pale neck down to a shoulder blade. A lock of gold has escaped her top-knot; he takes it now between his fingers, coils it through them like precious gold. "Is that right?" Koa murmurs, glancing back up with a smile.

Her silver eyes shine like the sky at dawn, radiating inviting warmth. It would be so easy to fall into them, to follow every cue she's giving and push them into the next step. "Soh..." They're moving out further on this tightrope without a safety net beneath, and while excitement makes his pulse race, there's terror in it, too.

Exhaling deeply, Koa pulls back, a rueful smile on his lips. His hand feels empty and cold without her; he runs it nervously through his hair. "We probably shouldn't stay in here too long. I wouldn't want you turning into a prune." He's trying to seem light, airy, uncaring, but there's an undeniable ache beneath the words. He's terrified to put himself out there again, to give Sohalia a piece of himself just to have it given back.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

He didn’t move away.

He didn’t move away.

A thrill of excitement coursed through her, her mind already spinning out of control, imagining all the ways this could go right. Her gaze slipped to Koa’s lips, already imagining if they’d feel as good pressed against hers as they had all those seasons ago. He picked up a tendril of her hair that had escaped its loose topknot, and her breath caught in her throat at the unexpected intimacy of the gesture. She shifted slightly, as though preparing to lean in -

And then, just as suddenly, he was gone, leaving her cold despite the warmth of the water surrounding her.

Bitter disappointment stabbed her through the heart, something akin to embarrassment flashing in her eyes, and she looked away, heart and mind racing, her cheeks flushed red for entirely the wrong reason. Had she been imagining things, or was he rejecting her? She wasn’t sure which was worse. Not that she’d blame him. The position she was in was a grave of her own making.

Forcing light words past a lump in her throat and shoving all the unpleasant, self-loathing thoughts into a box with all the other guilt and shame she seemed to be collecting these days, she said, ”Tea and whiskey awaits, right?” Tilting her head back against the side of the pool again, she closed her eyes. ”Go ahead and get washed up. I won’t look.” And if it gave her a moment to collect herself, well, all the better.

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

At some point, you adorable little imbeciles, you should really try to talk.

But until then the misunderstandings will continue to abound, stacking like jenga blocks on an increasingly unsteady base. He sees the flash of her hurt expression and wants to reach out and wipe it away, but doesn't know how, not without complicating things even more. How's he supposed to soothe her feelings, when she doesn't know what his are?

It's all so frustrating, and he can't help thinking it's his fault. Damned if he knows how to fix it, though, except by trying to be the bigger person or some other such shit. Soh's eyes close just like her body language; Koa watches, feeling helpless, not knowing what to do. It's a few more seconds before sighing and standing, the water shifting with his weight. The saturated towel hangs low on his hip bones; he has to hold it in place as he pulls himself from the pool. At the edge of the water he hesitates further, looking down at Sohalia with wistful longing in his eyes. She's perfect, a carved marble ode to feminine beauty. He envies the water that gets to hold her, envies the towel wrapped around her breasts. She's strong and ethereal, warm and vibrant.

She's always been too good for him.

---

He showers quickly and then re-dresses, wrinkling his nose to have to put on the same grungy clothes. But the Koa who emerges is a different young man, closer to the one Soh used to know. Tamed is the stubble; combed is the hair; soothed are the bags beneath his eyes. He smiles when he sees Sohalia, the expression fraught with wistful tenderness. "Lead the way, my Luminary," he says with an attempt at levity, extending his arm for her to take. Because sending mixed messages is fun!

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Soh waited for Koa to leave the pool, and it was only once she’d heard him disappear that she opened her eyes to stare bitterly at the ceiling. Of course he wouldn’t want her. She’d meant what she’d said before; she knew she’d been too selfish, too cruel, too young and stupid to deserve a second chance, and yet she couldn’t help but hope. To have that fragile hope crushed like a flower beneath his heel… it hurt more than she’d expected, and she was glad to have a few moments alone to gather her wounded heart and bind it back together again.

By the time Koa emerged from the showers, looking considerably more put together, Soh was waiting. She’d pulled on her own clothes and combed through her hair with her fingers, trying to look presentable. There was no point in trying for stunning if she wasn’t trying to impress him, and what was the point of chasing someone who was clearly over her, despite his flirtations? No, better to cut her losses now… right?

When he appeared and offered his arm to her, Soh took it with a smile, shoving down the pang in her chest at the gesture. Gods, but if only she was his Luminary. If only he meant what he said, and it wasn’t all some game to him. But rather than wallow in self-pity (she’d save that for later), Soh merely tugged Kia along, her arm twined around his, and led him back out into the village.

”Still want whiskey in your tea?” she asked, her voice teasing. ”Or does anything else strike your fancy?”

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

Her smile is back, her tone flirtatious, but something is different now. Tilted, fractured- and maybe if they just talked about it instead of masking the past with flirting things would be much better.

Or maybe, the shoulder devil reminds him, it would be much worse.

Arm in arm they stroll through the bodega, their bodies closer together than ever and their hearts further apart. Casting Sohalia a sidelong glance, Koa opens his mouth to say something real, then once more hesitates. He still hasn't figured out what he wants to say to her, so rather than put his foot in his mouth, he swallows his feelings down.

Instead he tries to match her teasing, to keep his affect light. "Oh, I can think of quite a few things I'd fancy," he quips, leaning down to bump her shoulder. "For example... food?"

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

To an outsider, they probably looked like a cute couple out on a stroll. Internally, Soh wanted to scream with frustration. They'd been so close to something in the bathhouse; she could have sworn there was something building between them, only to be shot down. And a part of her wanted to dig in her heels: if Koa didn't want her, then fine. She had other options.

But all she wanted - really, truly wanted - was him.

If she told him, would he run? Laugh in her face? Even letting her down easy might be more than she could bear. But if she didn't tell him... could they ever even be friends? Colleagues? Did she really want to try to retake Stormbreak beside someone she couldn't be honest with?

A muscle feathered in her jaw from where she'd clenched it shut, and she forced herself to relax. "Food, right," she said, looking around to get her bearings. "This way. There's a great little restaurant, if it's still there..."

They turned a corner, and Soh pointed it out. Unlike so many other buildings in the Greatwood, this particular restaurant was open to their surroundings. The only seating was outside, with tables under large umbrellas to ward off rain. Today, with the sun shining so brightly, most of the umbrellas were tied shut and out of the way, leaving the restaurant's patrons to enjoy the day.

The Fae hostess seated them quickly at a table for two, and Soh gracefully slid into one of the chairs, relieved when a waiter appeared quickly to ask for a drink order. At least she had a moment to think of something to say to Koa that wasn't a terrible idea. After placing an order for a lavender-lemon flavored tea that she'd had before, Soh regarded Koa from under her lashes. It really wasn't fair for him to look that good, and yet, here they were. "I'm glad it's still here. I spent a lot of time here before I went to Stormbreak."

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

Arm in arm with Sohalia, Koa is content to follow her lead as the Luminary points out sights and stops, guiding them to a little restaurant with tables carved out of raw wood. It's oddly reminiscent of their first encounter, in a bittersweet, heartbreaking sort of way; the echo of an easier time.

They're guided to a quiet table and without thinking he pulls out her chair, waiting for Soh to settle in before taking his own seat. A fae waiter takes their drink order, and Koa's attention is briefly stolen as he asks about various liquors and libations, ultimately settling on a whisky he's assured was aged in the trunk of a local tree.

When he turns back to Soh it's with a genial smile, though one that fades visibly at the reminder of before. "Right, when you were sick." Gods, he hadn't handled that whole thing well, had he? Biting his lip, Koa runs a hand through his hair, his eyes flashing guiltily past Sohalia's shoulder. "I really... hell, I was a real fucking dick about all that, Soh." He chuckles, nervous and self-deprecating, shaking his head at his own idiocy. Without thinking he reaches across the table, stealing her fingers to squeeze between his. "I don't remember if I ever really apologized, but I'm sorry. Really, I am."

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Soh's eyes widened slightly as Koa misunderstood; she hadn't meant when she was sick, but rather before - right after she'd left the Grounds, back before Stormbreak, or Jude, or Koa, or any of her past mistakes. But he wasn't wrong, either - she had been here for a time when she was sick, though she didn't remember most of it. Blinking down at their joined hands, Soh squeezed his fingers in return. "I have far more to apologize for than you ever did," Soh said after a moment. "But thank you - it means a lot. All of this," she added, gesturing between them with her free hand. "This is - this is really nice, Koa."

The waiter chose that moment to return, their drinks in hand, and Soh reluctantly released Koa's hand to accept her teacup with a word of thanks. For a moment, she gazed down at her drink, brows knitted together in thought. Things were going so well, and she didn't want to ruin anything by bringing up the past - or the future, for that matter. But there were so many things between them, things left unsaid, and before they embarked on... whatever rebellious, revolutionary adventure they were headed towards, she wanted to clear the air.

"Koa..." Soh said after a moment, pausing to take a deep breath. "I meant what I said before. I was horrible to you in the past, and I'm truly sorry for that, more than I could ever explain. I just... I just want you to know that I..." Gods, why was this so hard? Her heart raced in her chest as she forced herself to meet his familiar copper gaze. "I really missed you." As a friend? As a lover? She couldn't bring herself to say anything more, not without gauging some kind of reaction. Would this be the moment where she ruined it all again? Or was there still a chance that they could move forward together, in whatever way that might be?

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

Koa looks ready to protest Soh's apology - no, I'm sorry! - but settles instead for a huffed half-laugh, squeezing again as she comments on how nice the moment is. The warmth from her fingers radiates through his arm, threatens to darken the curve of his cheeks. "It is, isn't it?" Even if he's still not sure what it is. Not wanting to upset the tenuous comfort with prying questions, he quickly barrels on: "I'm glad we can do this. Hang out. Be friends." He gestures between them, boyish smile dimpling his face. "Real grown up shit, eh?"

Their drinks come then, and Koa has to admit that the whisky is remarkably pleasant, perhaps even dangerously so. He's on his second sip when Sohalia inhales a bracing breath, signaling dangerous waters ahead. He looks at her haplessly, half wanting to tell her to stop before they get into deeper water, more than half desperate to hear what it is she's going to say.

Ah, but it's only an apology, and the boy feels his tension deflating with a strange mix of relief and disappointment. "Young and stupid, remember?" he chuckles, waving his hand dismissively as though to disperse an unpleasant smell.

But then she adds I really missed you, and fuck, ok, but what does that mean? Missed his friendship? His protection? Missed the feeling of his mouth, the dashed promises of what they could have been?

Feeling newly unmoored and a little dizzy (the third sip of spirits on an empty stomach isn't helping things), Koa tries to find an eloquent answer and in the end comes up short. "I missed you, too," he settles for at last, rubbing the skin at the back of his neck. It feels... inadequate, somehow. So close to the thing they're skirting around, and yet so very far.

Not wanting to fall back into awkwardness, Koa decides to chatter on. "So! Tell me what you've been up to, then. Are you here for a while? Or still mostly in Torchline?" Taking another sip of whisky, he steels up the courage to super casually add the question: "Anyone new in your life?"

You know, the things friends ask each other. Because that's what they are now. Friends.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Her heart skipped a beat: he was glad they could do this, too, glad they could be -

Friends.

Was that all he wanted then? Friendship? Because while Soh would take what she could get and be glad for it, she had to admit to herself that she wasn’t sure that was all that she wanted. But wouldn’t it be selfish of her to push those feelings on him, feelings that he might not reciprocate? Feelings that could ruin all of this friendship before it even got off the ground? ”Yeah, look at us!” she said, perhaps a hair too bubbly and bright, holding her teacup up for a toast. ”Being adults or whatever!”

Silence fell long enough for Soh to broach the topic of missing Koa, and she might have said more had he not chosen that moment to chatter on, squashing any awkwardness before it could take root in the space between them and leaving Soh disappointed - glad,of course, that he’d missed her too, but somehow deflated. She had been so close to telling him that she wanted more, and he’d deflected. Did he know? Was he trying to let her down easy?

”Oh, um,” she said, fiddling nervously with her tea. ”After Halo, I went back to Torchline to recover and… figure things out, I guess. I came up here to see the spring flowers. I think I’ll be here for a little while. It’s a nice place to spend time.” All very vague, in case they were overheard, but surely Koa would get her meaning.

She took a sip of her tea and nearly spat it out at his next question, her thoughts immediately going to Ace and their tryst. But that didn’t really count, did it? It wasn’t like they were together or anything. As far as she was concerned, that was a one-time thing. ”No,” she said after she’d swallowed her tea. ”No one old either.” No Jude, not anymore. No one at all, in fact. At least not anyone special. And that was what he was asking, wasn’t it?

So did he care if there was someone in her life, or was he just asking as a friend?

Her head was starting to ache, and she suddenly wished she’d ordered something stronger than tea. She peered at Koa from beneath her lashes and turned the question to him: ”What about you?”

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia