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Character of the Season
Frail in body but dangerously quick of mind, Nikandr is the sort of character who proves that curiosity can be just as perilous as any weapon. A necromancer, inventor, and problem-solver with more ambition than self-preservation, Niki approaches the world like a puzzle box begging to be opened, even when what’s inside has teeth. Blunt, dry-witted, fiercely independent, and carrying a history best left partially buried, he has a knack for making even failure feel fascinating. Whether he’s raising the dead, moving across Caido to King's End, or experiencing a hangover for the first time, Nikandr brings a wonderfully strange spark to Caido, and we can’t wait to see what trouble his brilliant mind wanders into next.
Congratulations, Niki!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
OG Skinning provided by Kaons, with functionality and many custom plugins made by Neowulf!
It wasn't necessarily what Elizabeth had asked, but she listened quietly, letting Maea work through the emotions. She found that people sometimes just needed an ear to talk to, to help them work through their own tendencies and feelings, to think through their mistakes. It wasn't until Maea finished, having already identified her cyclic thinking, that she spoke again. "If you noticed those signs starting again, what would you do about it?" In other words: what would you do differently this time and would that be so terrible if you're able to recognize it and stop it?
Letting Maea flit about to release the nerves, Elizabeth stayed seated, a calming presence despite the bubbling emotions. Her smile was soft and polite, patiently waiting for the woman to do whatever she needed to calm herself. "Tea would be great, thank you." And she truthfully wouldn't mind a glass, the travel having been long and the Greatwood still retaining a hint of Deepfrost chill.
She settled back in her chair, watching as Maea seemed to wrestle with her own emotions despite 'knowing' that they're not true. Her head shook gently, her brown hair rustling with the movement. "Just because the logical side tells us it's not true, doesn't mean our hearts will always listen." Reminded of their last conversation, Elizabeth wondered if the two might be connected - this belief that it was natural for others to hate her. She tilted her head, trying to make the questions less invasive or probing, the atmosphere open and accepting. "Have there been any other experiences that made you feel hated? Or any reason you thought you should be hated?"
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Maea's hands hesitated over a teapot, freezing halfway into the act of adding leaves to be steeped. It wasn't really that it was terrible to recognize patterns in her own behavior, it was the fact that she saw them and didn't know how to change them that brought about the unease. Like watching a viper slither down the path towards you, not knowing whether to leap over it, kill it or turn around to let it have the path. "I - I don't know," she admitted. "It's - look, these things, they're sort of, the same? Or at least related, I think. Something did happen the other day, yes, it's why I wrote to you. And it has everything to do with noticing the signs but not knowing what to do next."
Turning around to face Elizabeth, the ancient leaned back against the counter, arms loosely cradling herself to soothe the shame and unease it brought on to recall the incident. "I had gone out into the woods to be alone, I was in a terrible mood and had to let off some steam. Then this guy I've met only briefly before showed up, and started asking how I was, if I needed help - and I completely lost it. Snapped at him, said horrible things, pissed off his dragon - " She sucked in a deep breath, cheeks burning with embarrassment. "He was just being nice, trying to be helpful, but all I could think of was how much I wanted him to go away. And when he did, he had this hurt look in his eyes that - yeah, it made me think that I deserved being hated. And that once again I had hurt someone who probably just wanted to talk, or... I don't even know."
In an agitated motion she raised a hand to rake it through her hair, only to realize it was tied up and wouldn't let her fingers through. There was no doubt in her mind that she had been the one in the wrong, and that the numb state of mind that exploded into rage at the slightest provocation was the root cause.
"I don't... I don't know how to end these cycles," she grated out, pushing the words past a building tension in her jaws. "I don't know how to stop lashing out when I feel... anything. I want to - have to - learn how to stop before I take it out on other people, because if I don't, I'm not sure I can live with myself however much I change other things around me."
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Elizabeth watched and listened, noting all the anxiety building in the woman, the panic and fears overwhelming her. It wasn't something she envied, having seen it over and over from those who overthought and strained themselves against the imperfection in them and the world. They gave themself no room for error or mistakes, frustrated that they couldn't control every reaction or emotion. It sounded like such an exhausting way to live.
Taking a deep breath, she formulated how she wanted to approach Maea's difficulties and the interaction she'd presented. When she had decided, Elizabeth spoke calmly, factually. "Your meeting with that man, we call that the 'freeze' stage - which sounds contradictory to the actions, but is more representative of the thought process, or lack thereof." Not to say Maea wasn't thinking, but that she couldn't think of anything through normal means, too caught in her own defensive emotions to control her actions. It wasn't something she could blame herself for.
Her hands rose as she spoke, trying to use them to give a visual representation of her words. "You may have heard of the 'fight or flight' response that everyone develops as a form of protection against the dangers of the world. It's an important aspect in keeping us safe and protected, but sometimes it can overreact to different situations or stimuli, causing us to reach a point of panic where very few rational thoughts or interventions will break through." Sometimes it was a major depression, a fit of uncontrolled rage, or nothingness, a numbness that nothing could change.
It all sounded like there was no way to stop it, like it was hopeless in a way; but Elizabeth knew the secret, and she was happy to share it with Maea. "The only way to prevent reaching the 'freeze' stage is to recognize the signs, using different methods and techniques to decrease how we let our mind and body respond. There are thought processes, physical motions, or other strategies that can help with that, but the first step is to learn what triggers these reactions and being aware of how your body responds to them." Which meant the Ancient had a lot of self-analysis to do.
Smiling softly, encouraging, she offered the guiding hand towards progress and healing. "I want you to start by thinking about your recent conversation with Flora. How did you feel before you met with her? Were you nervous? Scared? Think about how those emotions made your body feel. Were there any physical indicators? Cold hands? Heart racing? What did you notice?"
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Listening with an interest so keen it bordered on desperation, Maea barely extracted her gaze from Elizabeth long enough to pour the simmering water into the teapot. Bringing cups and accouterments over to the sitting area, she poured them both a cup and sat back down, eager to do as she was bid - relieved to find that it had been the right move to call on her friend, to ask for this help that she so desperately needed. Once again the therapist showed that she knew what she was doing.
Breathing in the aroma of the brew eased some of the growing anxiety, helping the pale little woman think back to that moment on the docks. "I was... a little nervous. Mostly excited; I had just landed in Kaiholo Port and waited while my belongings were being unloaded. It felt good to be in the midst of taking action, and while there was some uncertainty about things like where I would stay and what kind of work I could find, for the most part I felt good. Light, almost happy." She recalled the stillness within her body, the way she had gazed out on the horizon while the rain pattered against her umbrella. "I do recall thinking it was colder than I expected. It was raining, very damp - I had been looking forward to sun and heat and not being chilled anymore, so maybe I was a bit disappointed with the weather. Other than that, I don't recall anything untoward."
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Accepting the cup with a polite nod of her head, Elizabeth blew through the steam to cool the liquid. Her brown eyes looked over the rim at the pale woman, letting her walk through the memory, the calm before the veritable storm. Perhaps the tamer emotions would help ease her into the moment.
Elizabeth smiled softly at the way Maea described the moment, a skilled storyteller, no doubt. However, the personalness of it was lacking, and she got the feeling she might have to draw out more than just the surface emotions she spoke of. For now, they would continue on the current scenario. "Okay. And what about when you first saw Flora? Did anything change?"
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Eyes distant as she recalled the moment, Maea's mouth drooped. "She came marching towards me, drawing in like a small tornado. I... felt my stomach drop. I felt.. cold. Mouth dry - like I was being charged by something a lot bigger." Scowling, she knew that feeling. It was fear. Plain and simple - and very humiliating, considering the age and flouncy look of the woman. "The more we spoke - the more she ranted, I should say, it wasn't much of a conversation - the worse it got. I started to get angry a few times, but managed to hold it back... at least I think I did. I recall feeling very calm and clear, though a bit distant - like I watched the whole thing from someplace outside myself."
Wrapping her hands around the teacup, its heat was a stark contrast to the chill she'd felt then. "At some point, I started agreeing to what she was saying just so I could make it end. Fighting back seemed... pointless. She had already made up her mind about me, and it was clear she wouldn't change it because of anything I said... so I went along with it. Being banished, unable to return unless I brought a flower... It was at least a sliver of hope, so why not?" A wry smile twisted her face; gods, how naive she'd been. Flora could as well have asked for the moon in a handbasket, given her luck so far.
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Everything seemed to slowly fall into place, and Elizabeth took a slow sip of her tea as Maea described her spiraling during the conversation. It made sense why things had gone the way they did, and her head nodded slowly in understanding. "It sounds like you were already in that 'freeze' moment. Your body shut down and did everything in its power to get you out. Dissociating is a way to do that, just as much as agreeing with everything in order to end a conversation is." Both of which it sounded like Maea had resorted to.
Humming softly, she cradled her own mug in consideration before asking, "What were your thoughts when you first saw her? What brought on the cold feelings of panic?" Had she already been overthinking the interaction? Or anticipating something worse? Maybe she'd been reliving memories? Whatever the reason, it might help them figure out what caused such a reaction.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
"I see... Disassociating. Is that what it's called, when I get like that? It's happened before, but I never had a name for it." It suggested a break between her thoughts and what happened outside them. Apt, she supposed, though Maea wasn't fond of the implication that she had been rendered inept and unable so often that the state could be named. What did it say about her, that she would freeze up rather than fight back? Neither felt like a good thing, but... perhaps better than the running away. She'd done plenty of that too.
Why did she freeze upon seeing Flora? Maea had never considered the why. Logically speaking she had such flimsy connections to the Doubletake that merely seeing her approach shouldn't have meant anything at all. But if she thought back... there really wasn't anything positive associated with the queen, either. That catastrophic meeting aside, their second encounter hadn't been fun for Maea either.
"I guess... I recalled the previous time we met," she slowly replied, frowning softly in thought. "I was already in a dark place, and there was that misunderstanding... she walked past just as I concluded that my tendency to run away from conflict was 'pathetic'. She heard me, thought I was insulting her, and once again I froze. Astaroth was there too, and between the two of them, I just... couldn't get a single word out." Even now she felt how their disparaging words and snide smirks diminished her, turning her depressed state and anxiety into something cloying and dangerous, like a debilitating poison by which she was rendered mute and petrified. Unable to speak. Unable to fight back.
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Elizabeth could see the discomfort at the label, nodding slowly to soften the blow. "I can't say for certain that's what it is, but it certainly sounds like it. More people experience it than you might think. Our minds do it to protect that small, vulnerable part of ourselves, to let the external do whatever it needs to keep us from feeling the pain." Like removing an egg from a rattling basket to keep it from breaking.
Taking another careful sip of her tea, Elizabeth hummed a deep, warm note. "Hmm. Would you say that confrontation makes you uncomfortable?" It wasn't accusatory, but a gentle exploration of what instigated the protective reaction to these different situations, to help understand the pathways of her mind.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
A small comfort, but a comfort none the less that it wasn't uncommon. Normally she might resent being 'like everyone else' but in this case, Maea was glad for it. "Is there a way to prevent it from happening?" she wanted to know. "While I don't mind the clarity it brings, I don't like the way I act without thinking. The things I say... I wonder if I would still say them if I was fully present." Maybe that's what the 'rudeness' Flora perceived stemmed from? Maea's disconnect must seem cold and unfeeling from the outside, as if she looked down on the other person even though it couldn't be further from the truth.
The question that followed made her wince a bit. "Uh... depends?" she said, squirming in her seat. "If it's a topic I feel confident about, I can argue around it and even enjoy the debate. But, when it strays from the logical and rational, when it becomes personal and starts dealing with feelings... it's not as fun anymore. I can't back that up with anything other than 'because I think so', and that never seems..." She sucked on her teeth, searching for the right word. "Enough? Valid? Everyone's experiences are different, so who am I to say that my truth and my perspective is more valid than anyone else's?"
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Giving Maea a small smile, she nodded slowly. "The best way to keep it from happening is to notice those signs of increasing anxiety, and intervene early. For example, you mentioned feeling cold with a dry mouth. Those may be your indicators that you're going into a fight or flight status, which would eventually lead to freezing." Which would, in turn, lead to dissociating or explosive anger.
Before delving into strategies or methods, it seemed important for Elizabeth to address the issue of confrontation. Rubbing her thumb over the side of her mug, she said, "It's okay to let others have their beliefs, but don't let that stop you from voicing your opinions and your feelings, because those are just as factual as anything else. You know what you feel, and no one can tell you otherwise. You're allowed to feel whatever emotions arise." Which meant she had just as much right to stand her ground in an argument of personal matters as logic and facts.
Elizabeth sat up a little straighter, shifting on the couch to prepare for what she had in mind. "I want to try an exercise with you." Her smile spoke of hope and action for Maea to participate in. "Tell me, what is your anxiety level right now, on a scale of zero to ten - with zero being none and ten being panic and freezing?" It was highly unlikely for Maea to be at a zero, given their topic of conversation and the discomfort that came with it.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Before she could delve too deep into this, the actual meat and bones of how to alter her behaviors (conveniently breezing past the part where she was allowed to feel things, so used to shying away from that it wasn't even consciously done), Elizabeth suggested something and Maea nodded, setting her cup aside so she could focus properly on what they were doing. With her tail coiling and unfurling in a rather feline manner, the horned woman turned inward, assessing her state of mind.
"I'd say... a four." While far from calm, she could still talk about her emotions, and felt safe enough with Liz that even difficult topics could be touched on without seizing up. If they had been moving, occupied with something during the discussion, it might be even lower - sitting still to feel her feelings had never been Maea's strong suit.
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Nodding her head, Elizabeth accepted the report. "Okay. That's not too bad." Higher than she was expecting, but lower than it could be. She could work with a four.
Her feet touched against the cold floor as she set aside her own mug. She placed her hands flat against the top of her legs, looking for Maea to do the same. Smiling softly, her eyes fell closed as she said, "I want you to close your eyes... Focus on slowing your breathing, taking each breath long and deep, feel it filling your lungs, reaching to the very bottom. In. And out." The kind to do as much as she says, Elizabeth did the same, expanding her chest with the slow intake of oxygen, in through her nose and out through her mouth, focusing on the way it centered her in the moment.
After a few seconds, she spoke again, guiding with a soft voice, "Once you do that, I want you to tighten then relax every muscle in your body, starting with your head. Squeeze every muscle in your face - don't worry, no one's watching - then let your face go slack, letting gravity pull it down." Eliabeth felt her face scrunch in a weird expressive mixture of anger and disgust, her brows coming together and her eyes squishing closed before she released it, feeling every muscle more relaxed than before, pulling down. She then proceeded to the next section. "Then your neck and shoulders. Tighten. And relax." Her shoulders came up to her ears, tensing then releasing before she said, "Then your arms, to include your hands. Tighten. And relax." Elizabeth balled up her fists, feeling the nails bite into her hands momentarily, then the relaxation leaving them soft and supple against her legs once more. "Then your abdomen and buttocks. Tighten. And relax." She tensed everything, releasing it with her commands before moving to the final section. "Then down to your legs, and finally your toes. Tighten. And relax." Her thighs and calves flexed, her toes curling against the floor before flattening once more. "Feel how your body comes in contact with each point on the chair and floor. Let the feeling come then go, keeping you grounded but not dragging you down." Elizabeth did the same, letting her mind go blank to sense every bulge of the cushions, every pulse of the fireplace heat, every grain of the wood beneath her.
Finally, she took a deep breath, pulling herself back into the present as she looked to Maea. "And lastly, slowly open your eyes." Her posture stayed relaxed, at ease despite the turmoil of their previous conversations. She smiles softly as she asked, "How do you feel?"
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Doing as she was asked, Maea closed her eyes. It felt silly at first, because she felt relaxed enough. After all, wasn't she sitting down? Liz's instructions were easy enough to follow, and gradually any sense of awkwardness bled away in favor of focus. Quickly Maea discovered that what she considered relaxed was anything but. Stillness she may have achieved, but so many muscles were iron hard knots reluctant to ease up. Some places were worse than others, too. Her stomach, the shoulders, even her hands refused the command to loosen and the had to try several times before the tension and release gave an effect. Joints popped quietly as she flexed the hands, each crack of a finger a delicious relief she hadn't known she needed.
When all of her body had been worked through, Maea found herself drifting across a plane of peace she only rarely experienced. Slow breaths whispered past lightly parted lips, and even her tail hung limp over the edge of the armchair, with no emotion to convey or betray, no pent up energy to release.
"I feel... calm. Peaceful." Slowly opening her eyes again, Maea regretted the return of light and impressions. Those few minutes alone had left her drowsy, and the thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to nap in the sunlight pouring in through the open window. Turning a somnolent smile on the therapist, the ancient shifted in her seat, easing a discomfort of posture she hadn't noticed earlier. "What were we doing now? I enjoyed that."
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
