only a man lookin' for a dream

KOA

Friends. It hangs between them, both disappointment and relief. Friends feels safe, a good, fresh start; friends keep healthy barriers in place. Friends avoid messing things up with silly shit like romance and lust. They can be friends, he tells himself. This is fine. This is going to be fine.

That's right: Koa Carpenter, himbo extraordinaire, has put himself in the friend-zone. Adulthood, ahoy!

It's all pleasantries until Soh nearly chokes, which given the question? Fair. Koa takes another sip from his drink, trying not to seem too interested, because this is casual gabbing as friends. But gods if he doesn't perk up to hear that there's nobody special in her life. "Ah. That's... too bad," Koa replies striving quite unsuccessfully to remain nonchalant. He'd known about Jude, of course - the poor kid has been sleeping in his guest room for months - but he'd half feared that there would be someone now. Another barrier between them, as always.

Is it better or worse, knowing the path to her is clear?

Oh, but then the other shoe drops, and Koa realizes all too late the position he's put himself in. Because while Soh has been single and focused on recovery and reclamation, he has been making a right mess of his own love life. "Um... well," he begins, looking away as a boyish blush colors his face. "I was, um, kinda seeing Flora. Really briefly, and it never got serious or anything." Why is he trying to defend himself? And where is all this sweat coming from? Does anyone else feel hot??

"I mean... I thought it was, but she... well, turned out there was someone else, and uh, she picked him. Which, y'know. You'd think I'd be used to by now." He laughs, trying and failing to keep the bitterness from his tone, before taking another healthy pull from the now dwindling whisky glass.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Friendship might have been safe, but it also felt like a disappointment. Koa might not want to admit it - or explore it too closely - but there had always been more between them than that. Was it lust? Was that all that it was? Or was there more, just waiting right within reach, ripe, now, for the taking?

"'Too bad,' huh?" Soh asked, lifting her brows as she took a sip of her now-cool tea. And what, exactly, did that mean? 'Too bad' as in 'oh, that's too bad, so sad for you'? Or 'oh, no, what a shame, how disappointing'? Soh sat back in her chair, her cup still held in her hands. "I suppose you could say that."

A blush mantled Koa's cheeks, and Soh blinked with surprise as he openly shared his experience with Flora. She knew about it, of course, considering that Flora was her best friend (and, therefore, one more reason not to get involved with Koa), but hearing it from Koa's perspective was somehow harder. She bit her tongue against the words that threatened, but they slipped out anyway. "Maybe she made a mistake," Soh said softly. "Maybe she'll realize one day that it should've been you, and she'll regret it." Not that Soh knew from experience or anything.

Now she really wished that she'd opted for a stronger drink. They were on dangerous ground, and Soh wasn't sure she could survive if she stepped into a hidden sinkhole to plunge into the abyss.

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

Oh, Soh. By now you should know that when Koa says something opaque and mysterious it's not because there's some deep hidden meaning - it's because the poor boy is pretty, but dumb.

Truth be told, Koa had put very little thought into how he'd tell Soh about Flora - if he'd had his way the topic would never, ever have come up at all. While the sting of the heartbreak is much less raw now, it's still a wound that smarts under inspection, though the burn he feels now is largely shame. 

The suggestion that Flora might one day regret it only cuts deeper; Koa's laugh is barked and mirthless as he considers the amber of his drink. "Sure, because a homeless soldier was definitely the better option than a pirate king with a flying ship, or whatever he is." The boy snorts self-deprecatingly, twirling the glass on the table's grain.

Any hidden regret or meaning has gone right over his head.

"No- that ship's sailed, no pun intended. And honestly I think it's for the best, y'know? Flora and I - there's too much history there, and we're both too stubborn. It never would have worked." He's said it to himself enough times that he's begun to believe it.

Almost.

Sitting back into his chair, Koa forces on a grin. "Nah, I think the universe is teaching me a lesson. I'm destined to live out the rest of my life as a crazy single dragon dad, and you know what? That's okay."

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Soh wanted to scream.

This conversation was becoming physically painful, and all she wanted to do was ask him flat out if he would take her back, but fear made her hesitate over and over again. ”Between the two, I’d take the soldier,” Soh said drily, especially after having found out Ace’s occupation. Give her a soldier with a heart of gold over a criminal every day.

Listening to Koa’s self deprecation, though, was more that she could bear. She stared at him, incredulously outraged, if only because she knew she’d contributed to it. ”Koa, you’re kind, and selfless, and loyal, and ridiculously good looking. Anybody would be lucky to have you.” Eyes flaring passionately, she glared at him over her tea. ”If anything, the universe is teaching you that there’s someone better out there for you.”

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

If anything, Koa's finding the conversation easier with time. Maybe it's the fact that in his mind he's finally slotted them into friends. Or maybe (and this is by far the more likely) the combination of exhaustion and whisky on an empty stomach has gone right to his head, leaving him feeling pleasantly relaxed, his filters slipping away. He's certainly going to blame the liquor for his rising flush, the heat that blooms across his face at Soh's surprising and vehement praise.

Koa's broad shoulders flop in a shrug, not sure what to make of this unexpected turn. Resting an elbow on the table, he runs a finger around the rim of the now empty glass. "Well, if you find her, let me know. I only seem to know how to go for the unavailable ones." Like you, he doesn't bother saying - it hangs between them, clear as day.

But Koa isn't angry, and his eyes are not accusing. Tilting his head up, he peers at Sohalia, metallic gaze gleaming in the waning sunlight, his expression unreadable as he studies her face. She's so beautiful, pale and clear as a distant skyline, silver eyes quiet and deep as still lakes. "Soh... Do you ever wonder what it would have been like?" He doesn't clarify the what he's talking about. Either she knows what he means, or he'll know to let it go.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Maybe it was for the best that Soh wasn't drinking. That way at least one of them would be sober, and maybe they could avoid any tragically bad decision-making. At the very least, Soh wouldn't be able to blame anything she did or said on alcohol - something that could either be very good or very bad. She wasn't quite sure which.

Koa, though, had finished his whiskey, and the flush on his cheeks gave away just how much it was affecting him. Soh watched him as he ran a finger around the rim of his glass, heart aching for all the mistakes she'd once made. Had she caused all of this? If they'd been together, maybe Flora would never have broken his heart, and maybe he wouldn't look so... melancholy? Nostalgic? She couldn't quite place his expression.

When he looked up at her, his eyes molten copper in the setting sun, Soh's breath caught in her throat. She'd meant every word of her praise, and in the dying sunlight, it was hard to forget just how breathtakingly handsome Koa was. "All the time," she whispered honestly, a sudden yearning on her face that was impossible to hide. For a brief moment, the world narrowed to just the two of them, sitting at their little table, so close that if she reached out she could touch him.

And before she could think the better of it, she took a deep breath, stretched across the scant space between them, and rested her fingertips on Koa's hand.

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

All the time.

It's an ache, an old scab he's never quite left alone, the echoing what if? For years he'd thought it was his burden only, his regret to look back on with nostalgia and grief. But to learn that Soh thinks about it, too, may even year for what might have been...

It's a balm, to be honest.

"Yeah. Me too."

It's also a door, one he isn't sure he's ready to fully open.

Her fingers on him are searing, electric. They've touched before today, held hands even, and yet there's something in this small contact that sets him alight like nothing before. Koa finds he's inhaled sharply, his eyes dropping to where tan skin vanishes beneath lines of cream. On a day much like this, years ago, he'd asked if he could kiss her. It would be so easy to ask it again, to push past all is inhibitions, to take the comfort he so desperately seeks.

"You deserve to be happy. To be swept off your feed by a handsome prince. To be loved." His smile is wistful, the pad of his thumb gentle as it brushes across her supple skin. "Maybe if things had been different..."  It could have been me. But there's no bitternrss in his voice, nor in his eyes as he looks back to hers.

Because right now, if he's totally honest, Koa isn't ready. Not to give her what she deserves; not to trust her with his heart, if thats even what she wants. "I'm glad I get to be your friend, Sohalia." Friends, because it's all she's offered, and he cannot bring himself to ask for more.

Koa given up on chasing lost chances. His timing has always been bad.

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye

Gods, but he'd changed over the years. She remembered how eager and open and happy he'd been when they'd first met, and then how angry he'd been with her - for a long time - at first because she'd hurt him, and then because she'd hurt Stormbreak. And she'd really thought there'd be no coming back from that. The last time they'd talked - really talked - he'd looked at her with such hurt and fury that it was almost hatred, and she'd been devastated to think that she'd lost him for good.

But now there was nothing angry about him, only a calm, almost sad expression that was, in some ways, almost worse. It was the closing of a door that had maybe been left open a crack, the last goodbye to something that might once have been beautiful but that Soh had thoroughly ruined.

He brushed his thumb gently over the back of her hand, and Soh offered a sad sort of smile. "You deserve all of that too, Koa. Don't ever think you don't." And she truly hoped that he could find it, one day - even if it wasn't with her.

Having been very firmly placed in the friendzone, Soh swallowed down any last words that she might regret, or that might break the spell of the moment. He'd been very clear how he felt, and that was that they were friends. Nothing more. And she would have to learn to be okay with that. "Friends," she agreed, squeezing his hand with her own. "Always, okay? No matter what."

Everyone wants to see heaven
But no one wants to die

Sohalia

KOA

Friends: a new category for them, really, stifling yet safe. But it's more than he'd ever really managed with Flora, something he'd never truly been with Soh. Maybe this is what they should always have been - at least that's what he assures himself as he meets her molten silver eyes, swallowing down the surging temptation to immediately redact the words. If there had been any protest from Sohalia, if she'd said she wanted more...

But she didn't, and it's for the best. He's fighting enough battles, at present, to take up arms for a cause it's already proven he'll lose.

"No matter what," Koa agrees, returning the gentle squeeze. Then, reluctantly, he releases her hand, letting the barrier between them fall firmly in place as they finish their evening in pleasant companionship. And when they part, Koa is content to hold onto the promise of friendship, to devote himself to what they are rather than pine for what they might have been.

Friends, the door to all else shut.

At least for now.

[fin] <3

Let me go, I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

Code stolen from Queen Sky