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Character of the Season
Frail in body but dangerously quick of mind, Nikandr is the sort of character who proves that curiosity can be just as perilous as any weapon. A necromancer, inventor, and problem-solver with more ambition than self-preservation, Niki approaches the world like a puzzle box begging to be opened, even when what’s inside has teeth. Blunt, dry-witted, fiercely independent, and carrying a history best left partially buried, he has a knack for making even failure feel fascinating. Whether he’s raising the dead, moving across Caido to King's End, or experiencing a hangover for the first time, Nikandr brings a wonderfully strange spark to Caido, and we can’t wait to see what trouble his brilliant mind wanders into next.
Congratulations, Niki!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
OG Skinning provided by Kaons, with functionality and many custom plugins made by Neowulf!
She listened as Maea finally opened that dark door she'd been trying to close, giving Elizabeth a glimpse of the deep sense of inadequacy hidden within. It was tainting everything, making her think that it was all because of her that these things were happening. In some cases, that might be true, mistakes, poorly chosen words, or blatant cruelty could certainly cause people to leave her for their own mental health, but Elizabeth could tell that wasn't something Maea would do intentionally.
Taking a deep sip of her own tea, she charted her course of treatment before speaking. "Their choices or actions to what you say or do isn't something you can control. The only thing you can control - along with your actions - is how and when you say things." Tone, phrasing, timing, and multitudes of other factors could influence whether someone would be receptive to words. "Sometimes people aren't in a good place to hear what you have to say, whether that's criticisms or a sharing of your own struggles. And there are some people who might never be comfortable discussing the same topics as you. That's okay. You have to find the ones who will." She wouldn't say 'not everyone will like you,' but that was the truth of the world. Some people had a better time of it than others. It just depended on the person.
Elizabeth gave her a soft, encouraging smile. "Maea, you are a smart, kind, amazing woman. Anyone would be lucky to be your friend."
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Tea splashed over the rim of her cup by the shaking hands. Setting the kettle down so carefully as were it made of glass, Maea swiped the liquid from the table. Focus on the woodgrain. On her damp palm. On the fragrant aroma of herbs that suffused the air. Elizabeth tried to explain something that sounded important; Maea counted her breaths until the mouthful of tea made it past the lump in her throat.
"Suppose you're right," she muttered hoarsely. "Then why do I keep choosing to trust people who end up leaving? Or – or at least doesn't make room for me?" Because in all fairness, she was the one who had walked away from the Grounds, in the end. "Am I – am I too naive? Needy? Is it just that I can't see what people are really like before I let them in?" There had to be something she did wrong, or she wouldn't be counting her friends on one single hand.
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
She could tell that Maea was still struggling with whatever past experiences plagued her. It was obvious she'd been hurt in the past, making her hesitant to trust in her own judgement while blaming herself for others' decisions.
Elizabeth leaned against the arm of the couch, her tone soft and comforting. "Some friends are for a lifetime, and some are for a season. Perhaps the people you've met thus far have been temporary - people with whom your views and goals aligned for a time before growing apart. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or that there's anything wrong with you." And she would say it a thousand times over until Maea started to believe it.
Smiling gently, she tried to break through with encouragement. "Don't be too disheartened. Try to stay open and trust yourself. You'll find your people - the ones worth keeping around."
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Sighing faintly Maea sat back in her chair, mug cradled between her hands like it was a lifeline. On one hand, Elizabeth made perfect sense and she could appreciate the sentiment on a theoretical level. Unfortunately, when she tried applying the same reasoning to her own experiences it was as though something simply wouldn't connect. Well and good to tell her to trust herself; but how did you actually do that, when every experience that came to mind screamed what a bad idea that was?
"I heard a term, once... 'Confidently incorrect'," she said slowly, trying to put words on the feeling of resignation that threatened to overtake her. "Like, you think you know exactly what you're doing, there's no obvious reason to suspect you're making a mistake, and you forge ahead with all the best intentions... But then, it turns out you were wrong. And not just you, but those around you are now paying the price of your confidence. Trusting myself... it sounds good and all. But how am I supposed to do that, when I keep doing the same thing over and over again? I think I know what I'm doing, but I don't; what is there to trust in that?"
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Elizabeth listened, wondering how much good Maea couldn't see in her own past, or if she really had made so many mistakes that she was an unreliable narrator. That was certainly something to be investigated later, but for the moment, she tilted her head to gather her thoughts. "'Trusting yourself' doesn't mean that you won't make mistakes. It doesn't mean that things will always work out. It means trusting in your morals and beliefs and experiences to guide your decisions." There were a million different opinions on how things should be done, and a million different ways on how things would work out.
"The real question is whether you can justify your reasoning for each action. If you felt compelled to do or say something, then it shouldn't matter how things turned out, because you did what you thought was right. It's about having confidence in your own motivations and moral compass, to stand by what you believe in and why it led to your choices." It was easier said than done, but Maea would always doubt herself if she couldn't trust in her own ideals.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
A thoughtful look came into Maea's eyes this time, suggesting that something finally was clicking in place. If it was about following her beliefs and sticking up for her own morals, then she had indeed done that, quite recently. Some agony from the past stemmed entirely from deviating from that course - like releasing the Voice, accepting her offer to ascend, and some of the things she had done during that time.
"How do I define what my moral compass is, so I won't be swayed from it?" she asked, straightening up a bit more; here was another puzzle piece to work with, that might help her regain some of that lost confidence. "I've heard it said so often recently that intentions doesn't matter, only the result – are you saying that's not true?"
Once, many years ago now, the Voice had told her that she didn't truly know anything - that even when she thought she did, she never actually would - and whether it had been a caution or a threat Maea had internalized it like the words were a curse. Now, she turned them over in her mind and considered the meaning over again, ignoring who had said it. Perhaps... perhaps not knowing wasn't the sin she thought it was. Maybe it was more like a permission to remain curious? To look for answers she didn't have, and let mistakes be a teacher of a sort. A harsh, ruthless teacher, but one whose lessons would not be forgotten. It would require a degree of humility that wasn't entirely natural to the pale little woman, but which she could strive for... Honestly, anything that led her away from the tangled mess she had become and offered some peace and clarity was welcome at this point. Like the journal, and the relaxing exercise, and the intrepid compassion emanated from Elizabeth despite Maea's hardheaded refusal to believe in her own worth.
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
If Elizabeth just 'gave' Maea a moral compass, it would mean nothing. It wouldn't be hers because she didn't have any history to justify those ideals, like wearing a name that isn't hers or trying to adopt someone else's background. It would never fit.
Sighing, she gave Maea a gentle smile. "We each have our own moral compasses based on experiences and beliefs about the world, determining what matters to us and why. That's why it's something only you can define. And if you can't, then you will most likely have difficulty ever feeling confident in yourself or your decisions." It was certainly not what the woman wanted to hear, but she tried to encourage her, nonetheless. "But if you can, it doesn't matter what the outcome of your actions are, because you chose to act on what you believe in. Intention is just as important as results because it's what determines how we cope with things at the end of the day."
Elizabeth pointed to the journal in Maea's hands. "I think journalling would really help you with this. Practice justifying your actions - not in a defensive manner, but in an unbiased assessment of yourself and what influenced your decisions. You might find that, even if the outcome was unfavorable, you usually acted in the interest of others."
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
She had definitely not expected to be handed a book on morals and how to live by them. Just the tool to define to herself what already existed was enough, and Maea nodded willingly as the journal was suggested again. "I'll try to make it a habit to write, then," she replied, already slotting in the practice into the ultimate scenario of what a good day ought to look like. "Between that and the exercises, I feel like I've got enough to work with – at least for now."
Slumping down in her armchair with a sigh, the little woman hugged the journal to get chest and closed her eyes. Feeling quite wrung out, it felt like hours had passed while they talked. A headache was building behind her eyes, and the quiet knot her stomach tied itself into around her spine spoke of at least one skipped meal.
"Thank you, for being so patient with me," she mumbled without opening her eyes. "Didn't really mean to pile all that on right away... The idea was to let you get settled properly first." Her mouth quirked, half dry amusement and half apology for making her friend work on an empty stomach.
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
Smiling at Maea's willingness to try journaling, Elizabeth slowly shifted out of her 'therapist' mode. "I'm glad to hear that. I think we made a lot of really good progress today." Even if the Ancient had a lot more room to grow, her introspective nature and desire to change would certainly give her a better chance of improvement. Regardless, she added easily, "I'm always happy to have another session when you're ready." It was something she was always happy to do, traveling and seeing how her clients gained more skills and confidence, finding their places in the world.
Elizabeth took a slow sip of her lukewarm tea, chuckling lightly at the apology. "Don't worry about it. I have a habit of doing that." People tended to just open up to her, not that she minded. It was one of the reasons she loved her job. "Why don't you tell me where stuff is and I'll get things ready?" Teamwork would make it go faster, and Maea looked like she could use a break.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Humming her agreement, Maea thought so too. It would take a while for the new perspectives and practices to sink in, but already she didn't feel as hopeless about herself as she had been. Even if all that came of this conversation was a bit of grace in the face of future mistakes - and when facing the consequences of old ones - it would be a step in the right direction.
"Thank you. Maybe we should make them seasonal..? Sooner or later I should run out of old issues, I'm sure." Though given the state of the world and her own penchant for finding trouble, they'd likely never run out of things to talk about.
"In the closet under the stairs there's a camping bed, one of those foldable ones..." Directing Elizabeth on how to set it up, eventually Maea rallied enough energy to get up and help. The conversation dissolved into lighthearted banter, dinner plans and catching up on events between their last visit and now. Tension fled from Maea's shoulders, and for at least a while longer the journal was left on the coffee table, its blank pages patiently awaiting the stories to come.
[FIN]
I see a new horizon, holding on to hope Say goodbye to all my pain when it's time for me to go
