always taking up too much space or time

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

With the memory mud behemoth defeated, Soh sat in the muck and mire that remained, two painted eggs in her hands, staring down at the bright colors without really seeing them. Her body was a solid wall of hurt, the pain enough to bring black spots to the edges of her vision. Gods, she was going to pass out, right here in the mud. It hurt so badly that she couldn't even cry; the grimace on her face was devoid of tears, showing only a devastated sort of agony as she tried to tuck the eggs away in a pocket. Even that small movement, which made the fabric of her pants catch on her ruined legs, was enough to coax a whimper from her lips.

She was vaguely aware of Noah shouting, of Maea offering healing, and then some of her injuries seemed to knit themselves back together again. It wasn't enough to completely erase them from her body, but it was enough that her vision and her head cleared, and she was lucid enough to look up in time to see Maea and the other Ancient - did he look familiar, or was it her imagination? - leave. It was just her and Noah left in the clearing, surrounded by mud and an empty crater that was the only indication of the battle they'd just endured.

Realizing that Noah had said something through the Attuned bond - and catching wind, finally, of his worry and confusion - Soh tilted her head up and forced a smile. "I'm fine," she said aloud, even if her exhaustion and lingering pain would be evident through the bond. "Just - glad the monster's dead. Are you okay?"

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

NOAH

The mud monster fell, a shuddering collapse of slurry and stagnant magic. The healing followed in its wake. The ancients fled like shadows pulling back from dawn, and across the clearing the others dispatched their lingering memory muddlings with efficiency. Noah caught Liam’s eye and waved him off, jerking his chin toward the path Maea had taken. One by one the rest drifted away, cradling their eggs, adrenaline ebbing into weary silence.

Then the clearing settled. It was still, for a moment. Just the two attuned, and the sounds of the Greatwood returning to normal.

“Sohalia,” Noah murmured. His glacial eyes thawed over with worry, traced over the Luminary as if checking for injuries missed. The egg was already tucked away in his pocket, its memory already forgotten. He crouched beside her, grounding himself in the solid press of earth beneath his boots, and waited for her to look at him.

I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Her words seemed to fall on deaf ears. Noah said her name - once, full of concern - and that was enough for Soh to break. Still clutching the eggs in her hands, she drew her knees up to her chest, uncaring about the mud that squelched and smeared across her ruined clothes. Wrapping her arms around her knees, the young woman rested her forehead atop them, forcing herself to take deep, shuddering breaths. She was fine, really - she could tell that Maea's healing had done its job - but she wasn't fine, either, in a bone-deep way that she couldn't quite shake.

But she had no choice to fall apart, not here, not now. She needed to make it somewhere safe before she allowed herself the freedom to shatter. So she forced a shaky inhale, raised her head, and fixed her silver gaze upon Noah. "I - think Maea healed the worst of it." Slowly, she stretched out her legs, surveying the lingering wounds. They were clearly burned, but it was as though she'd merely scalded herself rather than been on the receiving end of griffin and dragon fire. Red, inflamed skin had replaced what had been blistered and sloughing off. Even her ribs, which she'd been sure had been broken by the mud behemoth, had only a lingering ache.

She forced a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "I'll be okay." She scanned Noah, searching for any sign of injury - anything other than the persistent worry in his pale eyes. "Are you hurt?"

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

NOAH

He watched her curl inward, watched the tremor in her breath shake down her spine. She seemed to hold herself together by force of will alone. Maea’s healing had closed the wounds, but it hadn’t touched the deeper hurt simmering through the bond, raw and shaking. Noah tried to dampen the wave of it, closing himself inward. He shifted closer, boots sinking into the ruined earth, and crouched until he was level with her. Rain dripped from his hair, trailing cold lines down his neck, but he didn’t move to brush it away.

“I’m not hurt,” he said quietly. His voice carried the weight of everything else he was. He looked her over her again slowly, careful as if confirming every inch truly remained attached to her body. The burns, the mud, the exhaustion carved into her expression. The forced smile that couldn’t hide the tremble beneath it. He felt it all through the bond, a hollow ache answering his own.

His glacial eyes softened, the worry ithat thawed them spreading like a puddle. “I watched you fall. I thought—” I killed you—He tipped his head slightly, searching her silver gaze.

I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

I'm not hurt, said Noah, but Soh felt the weight of everything he didn't say through the bond. She did her best to pull her own emotions inward, pushing all of the fear and the pain and the rage back and tucking it away into a locked box in the back of her mind, where she could worry about it some other time, when it wasn't likely to hurt someone else. She didn't entirely succeed, but she hoped that her efforts were enough to mute the feelings flowing freely from her shattered soul, to protect Noah at least somewhat from the brunt of her emotions.

It was Noah's worry that Soh felt most keenly - that and a bone-deep guilt that Soh recognized as clearly as if it had been her own. She took a deep breath; it shuddered faintly, a ghost of the feelings lingering in the back of her mind. "You did what we needed to take the behemoth down," she told him, and she meant it. "Physically, I'm fine - and mentally, I will be soon." She hoped. She softened. "It's okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay."

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

NOAH

Noah felt her walls go up.

Not fully, but enough that the edge of her fear dulled, folding inward like a blade she refused to leave bare. ”It doesn’t feel okay,” he said gently, not contradicting her so much as naming what was already there. His voice stayed low, steady, as if volume alone might break her. ”And that’s allowed.” He couldn;T help the paternal tone to his voice.

He shifted closer, close enough that their shoulders nearly brushed, boots planted firm in the churned earth. Noah rested his forearms on his knees, posture open, unthreatening. He had learned, over years of storms and aftermaths, that presence mattered more than pressure. He inhaled, the Greatwood damp and breathing around them. ”but, if okay is what gets you to your feet right now, I’ll take it. But later—when you’re ready—I want the truth.”

He paused, ”I’ll still be here for that too.”

I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Soh could have laughed at the sentiment that it's okay not to be okay. That she was allowed to feel her feelings, the anger and the pain and the guilt and the shame and all the other things that she's left buried for far too long. It's as absurd to the Luminary as it is true, and she has to bite her lip to keep an insane giggle from escaping. It was all too much - the battle, the aftermath, Noah's quite concern.

The last person who'd treated her as though she were their child was dead now. Why was it that she couldn't keep anyone who loved her?

"Why?" she said before she could stop herself, a choked sound somewhere between bitterness and hysteria. "Why does it matter?" Why did she matter? She's expendable. Barely useful at the best of times. Hadn't the battle proved that? Hadn't she just been in the way? "Why do you care so much?"

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

NOAH

Through the bond he felt the fracture-lines in her composure, the way her thoughts spiraled inward, cruel and familiar. He recognized it too well. The crack in her composure, as fragile as it was, wasn't lost on the Sentinel. His jaw feathered as her lips held back a laugh. He let her question sit between them, the rain-softened earth and the wreckage of the clearing bearing suddenly nothing in the wake of it.

Once, he might have answered because it was his duty. Because he had been Vi’s demigod, because care had been braided into obligation, into protection, into the quiet expectation that life was something you guarded on behalf of a god.

But Vi was gone. And the caring hadn’t left with him. 

It was amazing that after all the loss, all the blood and broken prayers, what remained wasn’t emptiness, but conviction. Life mattered. Not in some abstract, divine sense. Not as a tally kept by higher powers. Living mattered. The choosing to stay, to feel, to hurt and still wake up the next morning and try again. He had learned that the hard way, through graves and goodbyes and the quiet ache of surviving when others hadn’t, and the soft and merciful gaze of his mercurial god as he released him from duty.

"Because you’re not expendable." he said simply, solid as permafrost. Noah shifted his weight slightly. Anchored. "I care because I need to." He needed to know she was okay, because his fire had nearly consumed her. It mattered, he cared, because even when he warned her and told her to stay high she was still in the line of danger.

That was his fault. The bond carried not guilt now, but resolve. A quiet, unyielding warmth. He breathed out.

I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground

Sometimes, the Attuned bond was a blessing. Other times - like now - it was a curse. There was no privacy as she shattered internally, no shelter as she tried to piece herself back together, even as shards of glass continued to fall around her feet. Despite her best efforts, emotions leaked out from the sharp edges, trickling through the spaces that she couldn't quite mend to pool between them.

A part of her wanted to lash out. Something deeply defensive hated being so vulnerable, especially in the wake of such a devastating battle. But this wasn't Noah's fault. He was showing her nothing but kindness, and she wasn't going to repay him with vitriol.

So she ground her teeth and clenched her jaw, tensing as he seemed to read her mind. He could tell her all day long that she wasn't expendable, but she wouldn't believe him. How could she, when everyone seemed to leave her behind in one way or another? If she was so critical, how had she ended up alone, time and time again?

And yet... how could she still think herself alone? After everything, she still had friends. Perhaps she had no family, no lover, no companion, but that didn't make her other bonds any less real. And Noah was one of those people - someone who was reaching out, extending a hand when she was at her lowest. How could she deny him a simple conversation?

"Okay," she breathed, voice tight with suppressed emotion. "I'm not okay, and I haven't been for a long time. I don't think I know how to be okay anymore. But I'm trying, and that's the best I can offer."

And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

Sohalia

NOAH

Noah didn’t interrupt her. He let the words land, felt them ripple through the bond—raw, exhausted, painfully honest. There was no flinch in him at that admission, no urge to contradict or soften it into something easier to hold. If anything, his shoulders eased, just a fraction. Truth, even a hard one, was steadier ground than denial. "Come on. I’ll walk you back to the skyport. You’ve done enough for one day."

He glanced away for a moment, eyes tracing the broken clearing, the churned mud slowly settling back into earth. The world always moved on faster than the people inside it. Then, if she needed it, he helped her to her feet and started back towards the skyport. The Greatwood seemed to sense the aftermath within them, and the path stayed mostly the way it was supposed to. 

"There were years," he went on, voice even, "where being not okay was the only way I knew how to live. Where getting up, doing the work, keeping everyone else breathing, that was it. No healing. No resolution. Just endurance." He looked over his shoulder at her, glacier gaze steady and unafraid of the fracture lines she’d shown him. "But Vi wants more than that for us." He looked back to the path. "I know I’m still kind of a stranger to you, but I mean this." His voice firmed slightly, "If it gets too heavy. If it spirals. If you just need to put the words somewhere safe—send me a letter. Any time."

FIN

I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone