love you dead

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

He writes to Sohalia once the downfall - literally - of Stormbreak is through. Anxious as he is to complete his quest, he isn't heartless, and bonding with his new companion takes up time he might have otherwise gone mad waiting to pass. 

He keeps it simple; asks where she is these days, and if they can meet. They pick a day, Jude picks a place - a plain stretch of beach on Ahi Coast near Wildering House where she spends many of her days - and all that's left is to wait. 

The firepit has probably been here longer than Jude's been alive with how they mark the coast, ready to be used by whoever desires to sit and lounge on the beach that day. There's no need to bring it to life with how hot Longheat has been, so Jude sits with Joan in his lap and stares into the charred crater instead. Rehearsing each line he intends to say over and over again until it's rote, and so firmly embedded that he won't possibly fail no matter what he may begin to feel while talking to the Luminary. Because he surely will feel something. It's why he's here at all.

If he can just get through this twice, he'll never have to experience it again. Sohalia will be easier than Koa at least - he isn't sure the man will meet him if he asks given their fallout. But he will worry about that after tonight.

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

It was a strange thing, to receive a letter from Jude; it sent her back to all that time ago, when he was her best friend, and sending letters back and forth was as easy as breathing. And, just like back then, when he asked, she answered, agreeing readily enough to a time and place to meet for an as-yet-undisclosed purpose. Even after all this time, she didn't have to think twice about it - at least not until later, after she'd already replied. Then she had to wonder why she was bothering, except for all the history shared.

In any case, she arrived at the appointed time by the fire pit, Anani draped across her shoulders and a little cloud following along in their wake, bringing a cool breeze seemingly from nowhere. Soh had dressed for the warmth of Longheat - which was to say that she looked far different from her first time meeting Jude, back before she'd learned that a little bare skin had never hurt anybody. The periwinkle tank top she'd thrown on atop a pair of jean shorts hugged her curves, and she'd piled her hair atop her head in a loose bun that bared her shoulders. A younger version of her would have found this scandalous. But this Soh? This Soh hadn't really thought about it as she'd gotten dressed, opting to stay cool over anything else.

"Hey," she said as she came upon Jude, her heart twisting unpleasantly at the sight of her one-time best friend and now ex-boyfriend. He was sitting with a dragon on his lap - a new companion, perhaps? - and staring into the unlit fire pit. Soh carefully lowered herself to the sand a few feet away. "... how are you?"

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

His first thought upon Sohalia's arrival is that she looks beautiful today - followed swiftly by the pang of hurt that always accompanies thoughts like that. His eyes try to find anything else to land on and find a new companion curled around her neck. Jude's heart pangs in a different way then, empathy that has nothing to do with romance; now that he has Joan, he can't imagine the pain of losing her the way Sohalia had lost Tarak.

Joan, meanwhile, tenses in Jude's lap as the ugly tangle of emotions from him immediately becomes a shared burden. Her silver-blue eyes turn to slits as her side of the bond becomes sharp and discordant with emotion. Jude lays his hand on the spines of her back to settle her. 

He is dressed far simpler, linen shorts and a loose tanktop. Never the person to think there's anything to show off, and certain in his belief that he can't affect her the way she does to him so often. But Jude has changed all the same; a bit more tan, a bit less boyish softness to his jaw, a little more muscle. He's not meant to be impressive in those ways, but the change is nevertheless present. 

Still, he offers a polite smile as she sits. "Hey. You look nice." The hurt shouldn't make him any less considerate - or maybe he just doesn't know how not to flay himself open. "I'm doing alright. Safrin gave me Joan a few seasons ago, and we've been traveling. Nothing exciting really." Jude's eyes briefly flick toward Sohalia, only able to hold contact for so long but wanting the next part to be sincere. "I'm sorry about Stormbreak. But I'm glad you're okay."

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

The first thing that Soh noticed upon sitting down was less about Jude and more about Anani, who tensed upon her shoulders as she recognized the confusing tangle of emotions emanating from her bonded. She couldn't help but think about Tarak; he'd been with her through the mess she'd made of her relationship with Jude, and he'd have understood, at least, where her tumultuous thoughts and racing heart came from. She loved Anani - truly, with her entire soul - but she had to admit that to a companion coming in on the tail end of things, it had to be a difficult relationship (or lack thereof, these days) to parse.

Raising a hand to scratch beneath the cloud wyrm's chin, the Luminary smiled, the motion half-real, half-forced. Were they in a position to be complimenting one another? Or was that just something Jude was saying to be polite? For her part, she recognized that he'd grown up, no longer the boy she'd fallen in love with way back when. But there was a harsh distance between them that kept her from feeling much more than anguish at everything that had changed. "Thank you," she said. "So do you."

Turning her attention to the dragon in his lap, Soh offered a small smile to the companion. "It's nice to meet you, Joan," she said then, ever polite to companions, especially since having lost Tarak, an event that had made her more mindful than ever of the little creatures that shared their souls. But at Jude's next words, the smile slipped from Soh's features to pool at her feet. She pulled her knees up to her chest, linking her arms around her knees. "Thanks," she said. Then there was a pause, because what did one say in this situation? A part of her wanted to ask what he needed, but the part of her that was still that teenage girl who loved him wanted to linger in this moment, if only for a few minutes.

But she wasn't that girl anymore, and he certainly wasn't that boy.

"What, um... what can I do for you, Jude?"

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

The water ahead bulges upward before breaking entirely, not with violence but with sheer, impossible scale. A massive shell rises from the sea, ridged and weathered like a drifting island, water cascading from its edges as the creature beneath it surfaces. A Tumsea.

The giant turtle moves slowly, deliberately, its ancient head lifting as it exhales a deep, rumbling breath that seems to vibrate through the air itself. Barnacles cling to its shell, and strands of seaweed trail behind it as it drifts closer, unbothered by the world around it. Its dark eyes are calm, almost gentle, as though it has seen countless shores like this one come and go.

For a while, it simply floats there, basking in the warmth of the sun and the quiet awe its presence inspires. Then, just as unhurriedly, the Tumsea begins to sink once more, its immense shell slipping beneath the surface until the sea closes over it, leaving behind only rippling water and the lingering sense that something rare and wonderful has just passed through.

---

Tumsea Areas Found: Torchline, Maria Mundi — Rare Smaller cousins of the Tulmhainar, Tumseas are like moving ecosystems all unto themselves. With shells of brilliant blues and earth browns, these turtle-like creatures can grow to nearly 4ft in diameter and can hold their breath for decades at a time. Bringing vibrancy and health to all the underwater trails they follow, Tumseas are thought to be good omens and are often followed by schools of fish and pods of encantados Challenge Rating: Difficult | Mythical | Admin approval needed HP: 8,760 | To Hit: +68 | Dmg: 76 Movement: Swim 30 ft.; Seabed Crawl 15 ft.; Drift with current 10 ft. SPECIAL SKILLS Moving Ecosystem: wherever they travel, biodiversity flourishes in their wake and on their shells; Good Omen: sightings are believed to portend safe voyages and bountiful catches; School Companions: often followed by schools of fish and encantados along their routes; Nutrient Wake: slow strokes stir nutrient-rich sediments into the water column, invigorating nearby life

TRAITS Living Carapace: shells of brilliant blues and earth browns host corals, algae, and small reef life; Long-Breath Divers: capable of remaining submerged and at rest for astonishing spans, surfacing only rarely; Reef Camouflage: encrusted shells blend seamlessly into reefs and rocky seabeds; Gentle Temperament: placid and unthreatening, undisturbed by most nearby activity; Trail Tenders: their passage subtly cleans and aerates sea beds and seagrass meadows ACTIONS Reef Nudge: gently shifts stones and fallen coral to reopen flow and shelter for smaller creatures; Bubble Bloom: releases a stream of tiny bubbles that lifts silt and feeds attached algae and corals; Shelter Arch: settles to create a calm lee beneath its shell where fish and swimmers can rest a moment; Deep Settle: sinks into a quiet hollow to slumber for seasons, letting its living shell expand and thrive

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

Jude's eyes are taken past Sohalia's shoulder to watch a tumsea emerge in the shallow surf behind her. It feels like a bitter joke, to behold what is meant to be a good omen in this moment. Does it mean this will be a civil exchange, or is it purely mockery?

Joan drops her chin on his thigh, big eyes staring up at him until Jude can manage to look away. Looking down at her, he manages a small smile. No, none of Vi's creations would be so needlessly cruel. He has to try and hold onto that, to stick firm to his belief in Safrin and the freedom she has promised from this eternal hurt.

Sohalia's returned compliment returns his eyes to her, though he can only twitch one corner of his current, placid smile in response. He certainly believes it's politeness on her behalf. If he intended to respond, it dies the moment she greets Joan, who bares her teeth and slits her eyes with immediate animosity. Jude startles and curses faintly as he quickly holds her tighter, though she hadn't moved to lunge. "Joan, no." The dragonling growls but subsides obediently, though her onyx tail thrashes against Jude's thigh, kicking up sand where the very tip touches the ground. 

Neck flushing with discomfort more than embarrassment, Jude mimics Sohalia's downcast eyes at the mention of Stormbreak, allowing them both their moment of retreat. "Sorry. She's...not very social." Protective, really, to the point of despising near anyone who has so much as irritated Jude a single time in his life. He hopes with time she will become less black-and-white about it all, but most days he is just warmed by her devotion. He's certain that's why Safrin gave her to him, to fill the hole left by so many people. 

There's no offense taken when Sohalia gets down to business. For all she may have extended a hand and an olive branch that day in the Greatwood, neither of them had actually stuck to it. They're more strangers now than anything they might have been before. Only, she is free of the hurt, while he carries it with every breath. And he is desperate enough to be freed that he can lift his eyes to her and say it plainly. 

"I wanted to ask for a part of you - a few strands of hair, or something like it." Joan's warmth beneath his hand becomes slightly slick with the moisture that accumulates slowly on his palm. But why is he afraid? He can't imagine her not supporting this, though she may make sad doe eyes out of pity. He can withstand that for this short time. "Safrin has given me a quest, so I can stop feeling romantic connection to the people I collect these things from." And, as his heart aches just to see her sitting there, Jude nearly begs, "So I hope you'll help me. Please."

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

The water swelled past the point of a cresting wave before breaking, revealing a massive, weathered shell and a smooth, ancient head. The tumsea rumbled softly as it inhaled, swinging its great head so that its dark eyes seemed to gaze straight into Sohalia's soul. And then, just as quickly as it had surfaced, it sank beneath the waves once more. Soh watched it go, idly scratching Anani's chin, awed by the presence of the massive creature.

Her attempt at politeness went quickly awry as Jude's dragon hissed and snarled - a reaction that, frankly, Soh wasn't quite sure she deserved. She had wronged Jude, she knew she had, but that had been a long time ago. Surely he - and by extension, his companion - had not held onto that hurt for all this time. She did her best not to recoil at the aggression; Anani, normally quite a placid creature with a warm, calm disposition, stiffened on her shoulders, and only a silent, soothing warmth through the bond kept her from answering Joan's display in kind. "Oh. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to provoke her."

And then it was down to business, and Soh listened with rapt attention as Jude described his request. Dismay crossed her face briefly, because it seemed that he had held onto all that hurt, all those feelings, for all this time. "Wait -" Soh said, brow furrowing with confusion. "I - of course I'll help you, but -" She reached up to touch her hair, piled atop her head, as though unsure of herself. Her hand dropped to the sand. Something that felt like betrayal wedged its way into her heart, which was absurd, because of course Jude was well within his rights to want to get rid of any feelings for her. But somehow it ached in a way that Soh couldn't quite define.

It was in a small, thin voice that she asked, "What do you mean, feeling romantic connection?" Was he still in love with her? But wait, he'd said people, as in multiple. So who else did he have a 'romantic connection' with? And why did that thought sting?

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

Jude’s face is a rictus of chagrin and helplessness. Joan’s aggression is undeniably intense and unfair; not just to Sohalia, at least, but it’s a hollow comfort if she even cared to know. But his maman’s tenants of life were instilled from the cradle, and because Sohalia brings it up, the star-boy can’t leave it unanswered.

“It’s not your fault. She’s like that with…well, anyone who so much as sneezes wrong near me.” Fondness tugs secretly at his heart, appreciative of the ubiquitous nature of her protection where people can’t see and be disappointed in what is surely some degree of enablement because of his weakness. But her vitriol is just as novel as her protective nature. Smugness radiates from Joan because of it, but at least she settles down enough for Jude to cradle her again. “I’m hoping she’ll grow out of it and understand context soon.” If not, he’s going to get into a lot more fights unfortunately.

Sohalia’s immediate, stuttering acquiescence breaks Jude’s expression open into a relieved smile twice as bright as any he’s been able to give in a long time. This is the smoothest this could have gone, surely, and his relief and gratitude for that is enough to overshadow the omnipresent ache for a moment. Until she collects herself enough to investigate deeper. 

Jude drops his eyes back to the blackened wood between them. It feels symbolic somehow. His fingers itch idly for pen and paper, lyrics tickling at the edge of his thoughts, keeping them just a little away from the current situation like a shield. 

“It’s what it sounds like. I don’t…want to make you uncomfortable, or make this harder than it needs to be by going into the details unnecessarily.” Deference to her feelings and propriety as a whole is a cowardly escape guised as gentlemanly civility. His eyes remain rooted though, betraying the depth of her impact on him - just by sitting near him. Pathetic. “I can’t move on. I don’t know why. But it hurts, Soh-alia.” Jude stutters past what should’ve - could’ve - been an utterance of her nickname and winces in the cracked aftermath of it. “I can’t even swallow it down enough to just be friends, the way you said you wanted us to try and be. So please, just…help me move on.” Sighing, he drags a hand roughly over his face and lets it linger as a barrier between them. “Whatever’s fucked up with me, keeping me from doing what everyone else does - you don’t have to get involved. Safrin will help me fix it, and then maybe meeting like this won’t be so awkward anymore.” Maybe that will be motivation for Sohalia, a free escape from answering any of his other statements so she can gracefully side step the awkward, pitiable reality he has presented her with.

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Jude declined to share details, and Soh was immediately ashamed of herself for even asking. Of course, if this was the course he had chosen to take, these were feelings that bothered him deeply, and they weren't close enough anymore for her to have any say in the matter - even if a part of her felt like this was some sort of easy way out of dealing with hard feelings. Weren't such things just a part of life and living?

But maybe she was being too judgmental, and she hardly had any right to be. So all she said was, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make this more difficult for you." Anani nudged Soh's cheek with her head, and the Luminary reached up to offer more chin scratches. The little cloud wyrm was obviously in tune with Soh's tumultuous feelings, but rather than taking any frustration out on Jude, she focused instead on soothing her bonded.

When Soh felt more settled, she glanced sidelong at Jude. "Do you have, like, scissors or something? You said a lock of hair would work, right? I didn't... bring anything with me, so..." So if he didn't have anything, this was about to be a very awkward trek to find something with which to cut a lock of hair. Even if a part of her rebelled against the idea thoroughly - a part of her that she shoved forcefully aside. After everything that had happened, if this was what Jude wanted - needed - to move on, then so be it.

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

To him, it was as much detail as he could’ve provided her. But maybe this is why they can’t seem to make the pieces fit anymore, as friends or anything more - they speak, but don’t understand. And part of him burns with all the more hurt when she doesn’t press, doesn’t ask, doesn’t show an ounce of despair or regret or hell even pity. He would have taken that, in truth. This feels too much like apathy. A neutral form of assistance she would extend to anyone.

“You’re not. I can’t explain much more than ‘I still love you and can’t stop even when we never talk’ you know?” He tries for a smile, the type you’d give when making a self-deprecating joke as he is, but the sincerity is too much to swallow and cracks it apart near instantaneously.

She doesn’t say whether the idea of being friends again once Safrin takes away these feelings is an idea she’s open to. She says…well, hardly anything. It’s somehow worse than the alternatives he’d had nightmares about; yelling, denying him, crying, elation…honestly he hadn’t prepared for this and now he’s realizing it somehow hurts worse. He is a ghost in her life, a passing thought or blurry face in a dream, while he still hears her voice over his shoulder and wakes up thinking he can still catch her scent on his sheets. 

And that is why he needs to rip her out somehow, or he’ll hear she’s married one day and break all over again, like a day hasn’t passed since they broke up as little more than children. 

Silenced by his own shame, Jude nods mutely and pull over his satchel - Harper’s, given to him by Hadama - and pulls out a newly purchased pair of shears. They gleam silver in the sunlight as he hands them to her safely, blades enclosed within his palm. More symbolism he can’t stand to linger over.

“I’ll keep it safe. What it gets made into, I mean. If it breaks, it all comes back. I will try not to make you do this again.” Careful always, since the day she met him, to never say the word promise.

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

If Soh had been able to read minds, she might have hurried to assure Jude that she was not apathetic, not in the slightest. Every bit of this interaction ached - from the shards of betrayal splintering her heart to the bone-deep sadness that he was essentially looking to erase feelings for her, to rip her out of his life as though she'd never existed in the first place. But she'd hurt him so much, hurt him enough, and she didn't want to do it anymore. It was easier, and safer, and kinder if she just kept it all to herself.

I still love you, he said, and she flinched at the ease with which he said it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Was it wrong that she didn't love him, not like that, not anymore? Was there something wrong with her that she'd managed to move on, rendering him little more than a skeleton in her closet that she only pulled out when she was enmeshed in self-loathing?

"I... I didn't mean..." she stuttered, gaze fixed firmly on the charred wood of the fire pit. There was a pause, where she seemed to gather herself, tucking away the scattered thoughts that threatened to spill over. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I just, I don't know how to do this. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to act right now."

When Jude handed her the pair of shears, she took them, staring at the silver metal in her hands. For a moment, she simply looked, Anani peering at them over her shoulder. Perhaps blood would have been more fitting for their relationship, since she'd apparently bled Jude dry without ever even knowing. Maybe if she cut off a fingertip or offered a limb, they could finally be even and move past all this without having to resort to a deal with Safrin to bottle up old feelings.

But in the end, she reached a shaking hand up to pull a lock of hair from the base of her skull, where neither she nor anyone else would see its loss - but no. That felt wrong, too symbolic of everything that they had been. This was something that she deserved to remember. That he deserved to remember, if they did indeed meet again after all this was over. "Do you think you'll want anything to do with me, after this?" she asked, tugging the hair tie that held the rest of her hair atop her head. "That we can actually be friends, if this works?"

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

She is certainly not the weird one, the wrong one. Safrin had told him how valuable a love like his was, but Jude knew it was unique in a bitter, unwelcome way. Unwelcome to all but her, at least. It doesn't make Sohalia cruel - it makes Jude pitiable. She is unfamiliar to him now with how she has grown and changed over the years. It would be ridiculous to think she wouldn't grow far past what they briefly used to be. Jude simply hasn't been afforded that sort of growth with all he lost and the ways it left him isolated. Maybe if he starts here, that can change.

Or maybe the future will reveal that that, too, is inherent to his offset soul.

"Don't be sorry," he murmurs. "It's not exactly commonplace. You don't have to be anything more than yourself." He can say it with confidence because, though he can't claim to know her anymore, Jude is certain that she is as kind and giving as she has always been. That means he can count on her gentle nature to ensure this meeting is civil and swift, whether she puts on an act or not.

Dark brows draw together when she hesitates and begins pulling out the knot from on top of her head. "Just a little of the ends will work," he urges, uncertain where she's going with it but suddenly apprehensive. "And I hope so. I hope that with the love gone, the rest - what made me love you as a best friend first - can exist peacefully." Pale fingers fidget with Joan's scales as he forces himself to keep his eyes on hers. "If you want that too. If the memory of this won't be too weird once it's gone." He will still remember all of it given Safrin is the one aiding him and not Ludo, but Jude is tentatively hopeful that the embarrassment won't be so strong when he can't feel the emotions that had driven him to this.

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Soh tugged the hair tie from her bun, and the golden waves she'd been messily containing fell to frame her face. The difference in heat was immediate, but she didn't move to tie the hair back up. Carefully selecting a piece towards the front - not directly framing her face (she was a little vain, after all), but close enough that she would notice it in the mirror - she reached up, shears in hand. And then, before she could think better of it, she closed the scissors with a snick of metal on metal, and then there it was in her hand - a lock of her hair, which she reached out to offer to Jude, along with the shears, handles first.

"I'd like it if we could be friends again," she admitted softly. "I miss the way things used to be. When things were easy." Biting her lip, she looked away. "I... know there's a lot to work through. And a lot of trust lost. I don't expect things to be like they were before. But just - I want to be here for you, if you need somebody. So... good luck with your quest. Let me know when it's done - if you want to, that is. If you don't, I understand."

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Jude

dagger to chest, I'll cut out my ego
I will not speak to you as an equal

Jude admittedly flinches the tiniest bit when the scissors close decisively. He'd like to ignore all the poetic implications, but as a songwriter it's impossible; just more salt in the wound. Maybe it even explains why he hasn't been able to move on while Sohalia and Koa have - too stuck in the illusory fantasy of depths of emotion that had never really existed. Projecting the intensity of his own feelings onto the pair of them when it was unmatched.

He takes the shears and the lock of her hair with gentle, careful hands. Almost reverent. Her care and willingness to do this for him is a big thing, one he appreciates just as equally as he resents it, because it isn't the sort of care he wishes it would be. 

"I miss it too," he admits quietly. Perhaps not as much as her truthfully; given his feelings, it's hard to miss only the platonic when it is overshadowed by the romantic. But Jude is a lonely person and has been for far too long at this point - friendship of any kind is a welcome and appealing idea. "Trust won't feel as broken once this is done. That hurt only happened...later." A graceless way of saying 'once we were together'. "But that's only going to change for me. I want you to know that I'll try to remember that." It will be hard and he knows it. Without these feelings, it will be easy to be confused why she might be hesitant to trust or spend time with him. Logic and memories will aid him, but his own feelings will be clearer and less painful than hers. 

Holding Joan in his arms, Jude slowly stands, carefully tying a string around the lock of hair she'd given him to keep the strands together once they're in the little glass jar he'd brought along in his bag. Looking down at Sohalia, Jude smiles sadly. "You're a good person, Sohalia. For better or worse, honestly. I hope I can reciprocate again after this is done." The way he once had, what seems like forever ago. "Thank you. I'll write you when it's over." As close to a promise as he can make to assure her that in the end, he does intend to try.

Label my pride and I'll cast it away
If power corrupts, then just let me be weak