when grief strikes

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

With the intent of seeking out Thorn and his sage advice, Zavien takes advantage of one of the few gaps in rain to walk his way through the Meadowreach and towards the House of Midnight. The sky is still overcast, but a hazy sunshine peeks through the midday cloud cover. He takes the opportunity to lower his hood, looking up to Sol drifting in the sky above. 

Per usual, he's the one who spots their friend, letting out a trill before banking towards the man near the signpost. 

Zavien pauses and follows the path with his eyes, grinning when he spots the ex-Dragoon. "Liam!" he calls out, throwing a friendly wave in his direction. Remembering the events of their last encounter, he sobers slightly, his smile turning softer as he gets close enough to talk. "How are you doing?"

'Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you

It was overcast and dreary, which seemed to be the theme of the season. The scream rain that had been persistent throughout Leafchange was annoying, it was true, but it could have been worse. At least it wasn't the wildfires of Longheat.

A familiar shout had Liam turning, a small smile appearing on his face as he regarded Zavien and Sol. It had been a while since he'd seen them - since that day at the festival, he thought, and sobered instantly. What must his friend think of him now, after that display?

"Hey, Zavien," he called, moving to meet the man halfway. Liam's two dragons, who were now slightly too large to fit comfortably on his shoulders, glided along after him, trilling their own greetings to the familiar man. They landed with soft thumps in the mud near Liam's feet, peering up at Zavien with interest. Hazel eyes flicked up from where his companions now sat to meet Zavien's gaze. "I'm - well, I've been better, to be honest. But I'm working it out," he added, forcing a smile. "What about you? How have you been?"

But would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

Liam

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

Sol dove down to the ground - and straight into a puddle. Water splashed and scattered around him to reveal the dragon standing proudly before his cousins, a glistening golden beacon of power. Who immediately sneezed so hard that he took momentary flight. Gliding back to the ground, Sol let out a trill of greeting and trotted towards his friends, obviously proud of their new growth. 

Looking from his companion to Liam, Zavien nodded his understanding. He still didn't know what was going on between him and Jesse (Wren?), but he also didn't want to push the man if he didn't feel like sharing. It wasn't like he'd been much help at the festival, and despite their frequent encounters, he wasn't sure Liam felt that they were that close. 

As for him, Zavien gave an airy huff of laughter. "I've been... having an interesting week." He smiled before suddenly realizing that Liam might be the perfect person to ask about his situation. Swallowing the discomfort, he grew slightly more serious as he cautiously presented the request. "If it's okay, I'd actually like to pick your brain about some things," grimacing sympathetically, he added, "but I know they might not be easy to talk about." Zavien offered a grim smile. "Maybe I could buy you a drink?" To make it worth his while or more bearable to talk about.

'Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you

Liam might have shared more readily if he was willing to burden yet another person with his problems. It had been an interesting few weeks for him, to say the least, and already he'd shared his dilemma with several others. He didn't want to put more on Zavien's shoulders, especially not after having to deal with Stormbreak's fall and its aftermath. He was particularly keen not to dominate the conversation from the start; if Zavien wanted to hear more, he would be glad to have someone to talk to, but he wasn't going to insist upon it before they'd even greeted one another properly.

In any case, he looked curiously at Zavien as his friend requested his help. "Sure, I'm happy to help if I can," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets. At his feet, his companions each greeted Sol in their own way: Prim was as energetic as ever, with Vale a more stoic addition by his sister's side. "I'll have to decline on the drink, though - I don't drink anymore. Lunch instead, maybe?"

But would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

Liam

A group of Speaking Squirrels bursts into view, chattering excitedly as they scramble over roots and stones. Tails flick wildly as they wave their little paws and shout in unison.

“Come!” one calls, racing ahead a few steps before stopping abruptly. “Follow!” another adds, pointing in a direction that leads directly into a dead end or an entirely unremarkable patch of ground.

They regroup quickly, whispering among themselves before trying again, utterly convinced of their own usefulness. Whether they ever manage to lead anyone anywhere is doubtful, but their enthusiasm never wanes.

---

Speaking Squirrels Areas Found: Hollowed Grounds, King's End, Greatwood — Common Appearing like a slightly larger version of a common ground squirrel, the speaking squirrels - as their name suggests - can speak. Or they appear to. Their vocabulary is limited to "yes", "no", and "follow me!" Though it is entirely unclear whether or not they understand actually speech and the words they are saying, they nonetheless will answer questions and will lead wayward souls further astray. Calls of "follow me!" have led a number of victims to their death, as the squirrels have absolutely no idea where they are going. Challenge Rating: Easy HP: 38 | To Hit: +30 | Dmg: 9 Movement: Scurry 30 ft.; Climb 30 ft.; Leap 15 ft. SPECIAL SKILLS Limited Speech: vocabulary is only “yes,” “no,” and “follow me!” and it’s unclear they understand the words; Misleading Guide: will confidently lead wayward souls astray without any sense of direction; Chorus Echo: nearby squirrels pick up the cry, creating a misleading chorus from multiple directions; Gap Squeeze: slips through holes and hedge tunnels too small for most pursuers

TRAITS Slightly Larger Ground Squirrel: looks like an upsized ground squirrel with bright, curious eyes; Tree & Wall Climber: agile on trunks, ruins, and hedges; Hedgerow Local: nests in the twists and hedgerows, popping in and out of tiny gaps; Fearful but Curious: skittish at noise yet drawn to travelers and their shiny gear ACTIONS Chatter Reply: answers any question with “yes” or “no,” regardless of sense; “Follow Me!”: darts a few bounds, stops to look back, then scurries on, luring travelers deeper; Tail Flag: flicks its tail to signal others or draw attention to a false turn; Dart & Vanish: bolts up a trunk or into a hedge-gap, reappearing on a different branch a moment later

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

Zavien smiled to hear Liam agree, although he was still somewhat nervous about the conversation to come. Still, there was no surprise or judgement in his eyes at the correction, only a quiet acknowledgement of the new information and a confirming nod of his head. "Lunch it is." He gestured with his head towards the buildings nearby. "I know this place next to the House. It's not as crowded and they have great burgers." Grinning his recommendation to the man, he led them down the path, nearly tripping over some speaking squirrels who immediately had Sol chasing after them. 

His eyes followed, forever baffled by the amount of energy his companion possessed. He certainly didn't get it from the bond, and he was long past being a toddler. 

But Zavien walked on, guiding the group (which Sol joined after proudly snagging some fur off a squirrel's tail) into the cozy building across the street from the brothel. It had large windows that let the misty light into the wooden space. It had reminded him of the Hart the first time he'd seen it; antlers and wood and deep red accents. He thought it felt homey and welcoming without the dingier feel of a bar. 

Selecting a table by the window, Zavien took his seat with Sol perched next to him watching outside, waiting patiently for Liam to settle in.

'Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you

Liam was relieved to find that Zavien asked no questions, nor did he express any distaste for the ex-soldier's choices. Instead, the other man readily agreed to lunch and even led the way to a nearby restaurant. On the way, a group of speaking squirrels appeared, calling out to the two men and their companions. While Liam and Zavien largely ignored the creatures, the companions were not to be deterred. Prim raced off after Sol and the squirrels, Vale on her heels, and when the three dragons returned to the men, it was with the smug satisfaction of having chased something off their lawn - never mind that none of this belonged to them.

Snorting a laugh at their antics, Liam shook his head. "I wish I had half their energy," he commented wryly. Especially these days, when it seemed he slept so little and yet still had so much to do.

The place Zavien had recommended was cozy and comfortable. Liam liked it on sight. He slipped into a chair across from his friend. Prim climbed into his lap; Vale settled near Sol in the window. For a moment, Liam simply regarded Zavien, quietly stroking his companion's head. When their orders had been taken - Liam settled on a burger, since Zavien seemed to think they were good here - the man spoke. "So... what's not so easy to talk about?" he asked, curious despite dreading where the conversation might be heading.

But would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

Liam

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

With their table claimed and food ordered, there was no reason to delay the uncomfortable conversation. Sighing, he steeled himself for the long-winded tale. "Well... it's really complicated to explain, but" Zavien walked him through the story starting at the beginning. He carefully explained how and when Lena had died, describing how he'd tried to call Ronin to help and how he'd spent the next few months working through grief. He spoke about the fall of Stormbreak and those who had been there for him, briefly touching on Koa and Sohalia as friends who had previously dated, but careful not to jump ahead in the story. Then he brushed over the recent months of displacement before grimacing and admitting to his development with Soh (without going into too much graphic detail), and how it had led to an agreement to try dating. 

Their food came in the meantime, but Zavien didn't touch his yet, picking through to the part he wanted to ask Liam about. He glanced outside before looking to the table as he said, "I'm not happy with how I went about things, but Koa seems to have forgiven me." Zavien looked to Liam, swallowing as he got to the crux of the issue. "The part that I'm struggling with is..." he paused, hesitant before he said, "Lena." Her name echoed like a gavel, passing judgement over his life. 

Shaking his head, he explained, "I can't help feeling like I let her down, and now I'm worried that I'm betraying her or dishonoring her by embracing this thing with Soh, as if I'm trying to replace her so soon after her death..." he trailed off, unable to meet Liam's eyes now, worried of all he might find there.

'Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you

Liam listened quietly and without judgment as Zavien told his tale. It certainly sounded like a complicated situation, but he had been in a complicated situation or two in his time, too. His expression didn’t so much as shift, even as Zavien described the lack of impulse control that had led to sleeping with Soh. In the end, it came down to the question of Zavien’s late girlfriend, Lena. Liam might not be able to help with the rest, but these emotions? This guilt? It was all things he knew well.

At the conclusion of Zavien’s story, Liam sighed. ”That feeling… gets better with time,” he said. ”When my wife died, I blamed myself. For not being there, even though I was exactly where I was supposed to be at the time, protecting the city. But I didn’t protect her, and I should have.” He frowned. He’d gone to some dark places after his family died, places he wasn’t proud to remember. ”It’s still hard, but I just think… she wouldn’t have wanted me to feel like that. She’d have wanted me to forgive myself, so that’s what I’ve tried to do.

“As for replacing her… that guilt, it’s hard to shake. Even after being with Maea for so long, I still have days that I wake up and wonder what my wife would have thought. But, mostly… she wouldn’t have wanted me to die alone. I know she would have wanted me to find happiness somewhere. I don’t think it matters if it’s a month or ten years after you lose someone like that. It sticks with you, and you just have to decide whether it’s worth it. The new relationship, I mean.”

But would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

Liam

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

Other than Koa, Liam was the first person he'd told this story to. And although he hadn't anticipated judgement or disgust for how he'd acted, the absence of it made his shoulders loosen beneath the weight, his breath pushing out in a quiet release of some of that guilt. He respected Liam, respected that he was an honorable man who'd walked a hard path, respected how similar those paths were, respected that he would tell him the truth no matter how hard it was to hear. Because there would be no easy guilt-freeing solution as he naively might have hoped. 

Time. It always came down to time. 

He'd loved Lena. Her loss had been sudden and painful to the point that he'd been thrown from his course and purpose. They'd left so much unsaid and so much undone. She was a light that had been dimmed too soon, a pillar to his life that left him struggling to stand. He'd grieved her and what they'd lost. He'd tried to think of what she'd want him to do in light of her death, but he'd also spent too much time pushing it down, focusing so much on the city and his people that when it had surfaced with Soh... he hadn't been prepared. Maybe Zavien had thought he'd never have the opportunity to feel love again, that he wouldn't need to confront these feelings beyond the passing moments of grief, that he wouldn't need to reassure himself that Lena would want that for him. 

And yet, Soh had snuck in. He'd tried to ignore it, to put loyalty and consideration above his own feelings, to pretend that it was nothing more than friendship. But friends didn't kiss friends, and he'd been forced to admit all the emotions he'd buried low in his mind. 

Acknowledging the feelings had only made them stronger as Soh proved exactly why they'd developed to begin with. She'd reassured and validated and comforted in all the ways he'd needed, softening his heart until he couldn't deny that he wanted nothing more than to be with her - even if it meant facing his fears and the darker thoughts that arose. It was worth it. She was worth it.

Having come to that conclusion, Zavien nodded at Liam's sage advice. Lena might have wanted him to find happiness again, and he was willing to work through his own guilt, but something else still nagged at him. He shifted in his chair, not having touched the food since it arrived. "It's still new, but things with Soh just feel... right. It wasn't like this with Lena. I don't - " His lips pursed, more upset with himself and the confusion than anything else. "I don't know how to feel about that."

Eyebrows furrowed, the haunting questions flowed before he could stop them. "If I really loved Lena, wouldn't I have tried harder? Why didn't I ask Remi if I could speak with her? Why did I accept her death so easily?" He hated the thought of not just replacing Lena but caring more for Soh than he ever did for her, because she had deserved better than that, and he shouldn't be allowed to be happier with her gone.

'Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you

Grief was hard. That was something that Liam could freely attest to. Even after all this time, there were days when the unfairness of it all took his breath away. Why had it been his family who had to die? Why had he not been there to protect them? That guilt, that shame, it had been hard for Liam to shake for many years, and it was something he still struggled with. That Zavien was going through something similar was a tragedy, and Liam's heart went out to the man across the table, who was clearly struggling through it all.

At Zavien's next question, Liam's brow furrowed - not in judgment, but in thought. "Love is funny," he said slowly. "I think... that love for Lena, it won't just go away just because of this new relationship with Soh. At least, in my experience... love isn't something you replace. Like - let me explain it this way. When my kids were born, I didn't love my wife less. When I met Maea, my feelings for my family didn't cease to exist." Liam rubbed a hand along his jaw. "I think that love multiplies. You can love different people, for different reasons, and there's nothing wrong about that. The feelings you have for Soh - she's a different person from Lena, right? So it stands to reason that your relationship with her would feel different, too."

It was complicated, and it was a lot to work through, but Liam did his best to explain his perspective. "Look, I could ask the same about why I didn't try harder for my family after they died," he pointed out. "I never tried to speak with them, and it wasn't for lack of love." Thinking back, maybe he should have - maybe it would have given him the peace he'd so sorely needed at the time. But, if he was being honest, the thought never occurred to him, so lost was he in his grief. And now... now everything was different. He wasn't sure he wanted to disturb their peace when there were so many questions he still had to answer for himself.

But would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

Liam

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

Love wasn't finite. He knew that. He knew it better than anyone. He'd given and shared his love with so many people for as long as he could remember. He'd never thought he needed to limit or withhold the affection, but did that apply to Lena and Soh? Zavien furrowed his brows, the tapping of his finger slowing against the table. Why had he thought loving one meant he loved the other less? 

He froze. Love... was that a word he'd use for Soh? He cared for her, and he couldn't deny that he felt something, but was it love? Could he say that so soon? 

The thought scared him a little, his throat bobbing as he swallowed back the thought. It was true that she was different from Lena, and for now he had to focus on that, on not letting the pursuit of Soh diminish or doubt what he'd felt for Lena or letting that past overshadow the potential for something new. It would take time to adjust to that mindset, but it was a start. 

He winced at Liam's words, realizing too late that it might have been rude or insensitive. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean - " he sucked in a breath, lowering his head, "I shouldn't have said that."

'Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you

Love - or the pursuit of it, anyway - was something that blossomed over time, often where one least expected it. Whether it was what Zavien felt for Soh or not, the concept remained the same: caring for one person didn't diminish one's feelings for another. For Liam, his wife had been his first love, the person he'd gone to school with and grown alongside. Loving her had been natural, had been easy, had been everything he'd ever dreamed of. Loving Maea was different. It had snuck up on him, taken him by surprise - and yet, looking back, it made perfect sense. She'd completed him in a way that he didn't know if his late wife would have, because he wasn't the same person now that he had been then.

And that didn't make loving either of them wrong. It just made it... complicated, when one considered the guilt that came with it.

Liam waved a hand dismissively. "No, no - sorry, I didn't mean to be so... all I mean is, there may not be a reason you didn't seek her out. Or maybe there is, and you're just not ready to face it." He drummed his fingers on the table. If he was being honest... "When my family died, I didn't even think about trying to contact them. I guess I'd always been taught that Mort's halls were peaceful and final. Even if I'd known that seeing them was an option... what would have been the point, other than to disturb them just to assuage my own guilt? Not saying that's what you're thinking, but..." He trailed off, feeling as though he was making things worse for Zavien rather than better. "Point is, what is it that you want to say to her, or get in return?"

But would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

Liam

Zavien

It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk

that keep the darkness at bay.

He didn't recall much from his time in Mort's halls. It had been so brief. But Liam's words reminded him of what it had felt to be at peace after completing his last act of notifying Remi of the others' need for help. He hadn't expected to come back, in fact, he might have resented it at first, being forced back into the pain of reality when he'd been content to rest. Had those thoughts been what kept him from contacting Lena? Or had it been a fear of facing her? Of admitting that he hadn't been able to protect her?

Liam's question drew his gaze from where it lingered on the table, brows hanging low as he thought of what he'd do with the opportunity. "I'm not sure... I guess... I'd want to tell her that I love her one last time." She should have known, but in case she might have forgotten during her moment of fear... Zavien hadn't told her enough. 

But there was another reason, and Zavien looked out the window as he admitted, "I'd want to hear her say that it's okay for me to move on." The words left his mouth and he was immediately crushed by guilt, dropping his head into his hands with a huff of broken laughter. "Gods, that sounds so selfish." Why would he disturb her rest for that? Just to make himself feel better about developing feelings for someone else. He was a horrible person.