[SE] i wanna be your last first kiss

Zavien

He immediately made note of the ticklish spot, tucking the information securely in the back of his mind as ammunition for late. For now, he let her squirm, holding her a little tighter so she couldn't escape so cleanly, even if he didn't follow up the attack with anything but pure, unfiltered laughter. "Then technically I guess that's something we can both work on." Maybe when they eventually lived together, they'd discover the secret to having an acceptable adult pantry. 

Compliments were not something Zavien accepted well, and he shrugged his shoulders as Soh doubled down on her insistence, a light blush starting across his cheeks when his gaze flicked to her and away again. He was grateful when she returned to her rightful place against his chest, even blessing him with a change in topics that he was happy to oblige. 

"I love it," he said, smiling as he added thoughtfully, "but I prefer traveling with others, and I like having a community to come back to." Traveling had always felt more fun when he had people to share it with, whether they were hiking the mountain at his side or waiting to hear his stories around the fireplace, the point of seeing the world was to form a newfound appreciation for his home. 

Looking down at Soh, he returned the question. "Do you? Is that why you like making maps?"

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

When Zavien seemed uncomfortable under her continued insistence, Soh seemed to realize that perhaps this was just something about him - a note that she tucked away in her mind. It didn't mean she was going to compliment him less, by any means, but perhaps she would try and do so in a way that didn't make him blush.

It was something of a relief to find that he enjoyed travel, given that it was something that she was so partial to. At his question, she smiled ruefully. "Actually, you can thank Deimos for the mapmaking. It was his idea, originally. I just sort of took it and ran with it." After he'd rescued her from a Ceffyl Dŵr in the Oerwoud, during one of her early explorations, but perhaps that was story for another time.

She paused. "I guess after I left the Grounds, I just felt like there was so much to see and learn and do. Traveling was something that gave me this sense of freedom, and seeing all that Caido has to offer was fascinating. I still like to travel, but now... I wish I had someplace to return to that was mine." The way Stormbreak used to be, back before the Family had invaded. "I just haven't decided where that is yet."

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Although curious what the story was behind that exchange, Zavien just smiled, letting his imagination run with a young Soh in the beginnings of her love for maps. "I will," he said. Thank Deimos, that is. It had been awhile since he'd spoken with the Warden, and he wouldn't mind paying him a visit. 

The world had similarly opened up for himself when he was old enough to leave Stormbreak on his own, so he understood the feeling of adventure and endless possibilities. But that was when he'd had a home to return to, before the Void had plagued the land and he'd had responsibilities to keep him busy. Now... he wasn't sure where he wanted to be, as long as it was with Soh. 

"Do you want it to be in Torchline?" he asked, wondering where she might find her own piece of solitude so he could plan his eventual visits.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

"Torchline is nice," Soh said. "I like the region. I like the easy access to the beach, and I like the weather - most of the time. And it is where my best friend lives, so having her close is great." There were plenty of positive things to say about Torchline. It had various upgrades, like the healing fountain, and it was a large enough region that she was rarely bored when she was there. There were enough soldiers and defenses - including the cannons they were working on - to keep it safe. But... "I haven't decided where I want to end up, though." She glanced at Zavien sidelong, suspecting that in the end, her home would be wherever he was. "I guess I chose Torchline because of Flora, but sometimes I still just feel like a visitor. Maybe that would change if I got my own place."

She paused, picking a piece of lint off one of the blankets. It was a difficult decision, and one that she'd anticipated feeling in her heart more than making out of logic. Suddenly remembering something, she sat up a little straighter. "I have a friend who wants to move to Hak Etme, though," she said. "I don't know if you know Colt Winchester? I'm supposed to go help her out, when I leave here." Making a face, she added a clarification: "I'm not sure I'd want to move there permanently, but I do like the idea of helping her get started."

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

In the grand scheme of things, Zavien hadn't actually spent much time in Torchline. He'd visited friends, but he'd rarely found time for 'vacations' at beaches or tropical oases. He didn't dislike Torchline, but his disagreement with Flora and the presence of so many acquaintances in King's End had led him here instead. 

His thoughts caught momentarily on Flora when Soh mentioned her again. How would she take it when she found out Zavien wasn't overly fond of her best friend? He supposed that was something they would have to talk through eventually.

Squeezing her arm in shared sentiment, he said of her choice and feelings, "I get that. I chose King's End to help the Breakers who moved here." But he still felt like a visitor, not quite an outcast, but it wasn't 'home' for him yet. 

Her question made him laugh, the movement jostling Soh in his arms. "Of course I know Colt. She's the reason I've gotten so good at eating dirt," he joked. Between helping on her ranch and participating in the rodeos, he'd found plenty of time to get his butt acquainted with the dirt. She'd been the source of many bruises, but an equal amount of good memories. 

Tilting his head, Zavien recalled his last meeting with the rancher. "She mentioned that. I said I'd be willing to help her with a few things, but the desert doesn't exactly sound appealing to live in." He laughed again, curious to know how many people would weather the heat to find what Colt planned to build, but he almost wondered if that was the purpose.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

It had made sense at the time for them to spread out to help the Breakers settle, and of course that had been important to Soh, too - but she would be lying if she said she'd chosen to stay in Torchline for any reason other than Flora living there. Eventually, she supposed she would have to bring up what had happened with Flora and, by extension, with Kaisel, but she wasn't eager to shift the mood just yet, not when they were having such a nice time. But there was a reason she kept coming to Zavien's place rather than inviting him over. She wondered if he'd realized that yet.

Laughing at Zavien's response about Colt, Soh shook her head. "I can't say I've had quite the same experience," she said, amused. "But it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. She's tough." She was glad, though, that Zavien knew her, and that he knew of her plans for Hak Etme. It made her all the more willing to help, if he was going to be there, too. "I'm interested to see what she builds. She offered me a position on her council." She paused, biting her lip. "I told her I'd think about it. I mean, it's Hak Etme." Soh made a face. "And the people I care most about live elsewhere, so to uproot my entire life feels..." She shook her head. "I just can't bring myself to say yes."

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Although surprised Colt didn't have that effect on everyone, Zavien was quick to agree with Soh's assessment. "Tough as nails." Even if she wasn't already an extremely successful rancher who ran one of the best events in Caido, her first response to losing her livelihood was to tame a wild region into submission. He wasn't sure he'd met anyone else quite as tough. 

Zavien raised an eyebrow, not surprised at the fact that Colt had considered Soh for her council (he knew better than anyone how qualified she was), but at the coincidence. "She offered me the same." Shrugging his shoulders, he laid out his thoughts on it all. "I like the opportunity - the chance to be needed and make a difference somewhere. And it'd be fun to serve on a council with you," the playful comment was accented with a smile before tacking on, "but the desert is hot." And being someone who already ran hot, he wasn't eager to spend his days sweating in the sand. 

His face pinched, obviously trying and failing to imagine what it would be like to live there. "I'm happy to help, but anything more... I don't know."

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Soh grinned. Zavien would make an excellent council member, in her opinion, and he was right - it would be fun to serve together again. But she still had reservations. ”Hot and unforgiving,” she commented. ”Everything out there’s trying to kill you. Even Suvahasi is mostly poisonous.” Reaching for Zavien’s hand, she met his gaze. ”That’s not to dissuade either of us, but just… when you go, promise you’ll be careful?” If something happened to Zavien… Soh shuddered to think about what that would do to her.

”Anyway… we don’t have to decide right now. At least there’s time to help before committing either way.” She said ‘we’ without really meaning to, automatically assuming that her decision would involve him in one way or another. In fact, there were very few things she didn’t intend to involve him in now - just one of the perks of dating her, she supposed.

”I think it’s your turn to ask a question,” she said, leaning her head once more on Zavien’s shoulder. Maybe it wasn’t the mini golf outing or the card game the had planned, but somehow Soh was enjoying this even more. She wanted to continue to get to know Zavien, to keep building the foundation of their relationship so that they would continue to grow and thrive together.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

His head was nodding in agreement when she grabbed his hand and looked up into his eyes with an intensity that made his heart skip a beat. He couldn't say no to that look, not when he'd ask the same of her if the roles were reversed. He couldn't avoid doing something that would help others or go against his nature to protect people, but there was one thing he could promise, and he gave a gentle squeeze of her hand, softer than a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be careful."

Zavien didn't even notice the 'we' - the phrasing so natural that it didn't strike him as odd or out of place. It just made sense. He could already tell that they'd figure it out together when the time came, deciding whatever was best for them as a couple.

Leaving the topic of Hak Etme for later, he smiled and returned to resting his chin on her head as she snuggled close. He took a moment to think, taking a deep breath and letting out a low hum. He wondered if the question should be heavy or light, serious or playful, complicated or simple. They'd already spoken on some darker parts of their lives, and he wasn't eager to shadow the mood again so quick. So he settled on something pure and bright, hoping to hear more about what made Soh happy. "What's your favorite memory?"

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Soh might not know very much about relationships, but she’d spent her time since leaving the Grounds learning a great deal about people. One of the things she’d managed to figure out was that she shouldn’t ask people to go against their natures - it rarely worked, for one, and it bred resentment, for another. Besides that, she knew very well how capable Zavien was, and she trusted him to come back to her in one piece.

But at the same time, he’d already died once. She didn’t need him to make that two times.

Still, she wouldn’t ask him not to do something that called to him, especially not when she was doing the exact same thing. All she would ask was that he be careful, and he agreed to that readily enough, squeezing her hand to reassure her that he’d take her worries to heart.

His next question gave her pause, if only because she had so very many good memories to choose from. ”You mean from before you kissed me?” she teased. ”Because that might be my new favorite.” But then, thinking for a moment, she said, ”I think… the first time I flew. I was so nervous. I’d climbed this big tree and shifted, and then I just sat there for… gods, an hour? Just trying to talk myself into taking the leap. But when I finally spread my wings and jumped, it was just so natural and easy. It was like this piece of me I hadn’t known existed had finally fallen into place.”

Realizing that this was not unlike her description of their relationship, she smiled. ”I think about that feeling sometimes - that rush of joy because I’d done something that was initially scary, but I did it anyway and it turned out to be the best thing I’d ever done. It’s what I thought of when I started leading Stormbreak.”

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Zavien grinned, wanting to ask 'Which kiss?' but he got the feeling that might spark more heat and temptation than they were equipped to handle at this point in time. Being tangled in each other's arms would have to be enough for now - until he could find a way to beat the last best memory. 

Even as someone who preferred not to fly, Zavien could understand the kind of feeling Soh described, the moment before embracing the unknown, only to find that it was exactly where he was meant to be. He nodded, eyes glazing over in blissful memory. It had happened with joining the Dragoons and leading Stormbreak and choosing to date Soh. Each had started on a precipice, risking destruction and ruin. But then he'd stepped off and into the wild whirlwind of growth and change and exhilarating joy. He'd yet to regret those decisions, and he didn't plan to start now. 

Humming his understanding, Zavien considered her last words, worry prickling at his thoughts when he asked quietly, "Do you miss leading?" Had she felt the same way he did now when he'd stepped into the role as Stormbreak's leader? Had he forced her out of doing something she loved while believing it was a kindeness? Did she regret any of it?

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Zavien's quiet question took her by surprise, and it showed in the quick glance she sent his way. Did she miss leading? She turned the question over in her mind, but no matter how she looked at it, there wasn't an easy answer. "Yes and no," she said finally. "I miss having a purpose. I miss giving to something bigger than myself." As tempting as it was to be selfish and chase her own dreams and desires, that had never been who Soh was. Sure, she wanted things - but deep down, what she really wanted was to be useful.

"But..." she sighed, frowning. "After what happened with the Family, I wasn't sure I deserved to lead anymore. I still feel like it's my fault they were able to take over Stormbreak at all." And it wasn't difficult to follow that line of thinking to it being her fault, ultimately, that Stormbreak fell, given that it was their influence that had destabilized the region so. "And then, just when I thought I'd found my footing again, I lost Tarak.

"After that, I just... I look back and I don't recognize the person I was." She'd made a lot of questionable decisions out of grief. She'd drank too much, she'd partied too hard, she'd avoided responsibility like the plague, even after promising to be there to help with Stormbreak. "I wasn't in the mindset to lead when I stepped aside for you, and, to be honest, I don't know that it's what I'd want now, even if the opportunity presented itself. I was never leading for the power. I just saw a way to help steer Stormbreak in a better direction and help people in the process, and I thought, if nobody else was going to try, then I would.

"But I do want to find a purpose again," she concluded. "I'm starting to go a little crazy without one." It didn't have to be a big purpose - but she needed something to do, someone to take care of (#foreshadowing). She just wasn't sure what it was yet. "What about you?" she asked gently. "Do you miss leading?"

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Her answer started out simple enough, earning her a continuous bob of his head, reminiscing of what it had felt like to be caught up in something more important than himself. But when the conversation shifted to her insecurities around 'failing' the city, Zavien immediately switched to soothing, his hand running warmth down her arm as he tried to dismiss her lingering guilt without minimizing those feelings. Softly, he whispered, "Nobody blames you for that. You shouldn't either." Tilting his head to lean a stubbled cheek against her hair, he added, "We wouldn't have ended up here without the good and the bad." And although he could do without the trauma and nightmares, he honestly wouldn't change anything because he couldn't, and he would much rather embrace the reality it had brought him. 

As she continued, Zavien found it hard to hear of how much she'd struggled. He hadn't been there for her as much as he should have been, hadn't noticed how lost she'd been. While he'd been focused on Stormbreak as a whole, he'd neglected the one sitting right in front of him. His hold adjusted subconsciously, wishing he could make up for all the times he hadn't held her before and promise all the times he'd be there for her in the future.  

He lapsed into silence for a moment, wondering where they both might find their next source of purpose when she flipped the question back on him. Zavien paused, uncertain how to describe what he'd been feeling for the last few months. 

"Not exactly," he said, unsure 'missing' was the right word for it. His brows pinched down as he thought. "I just feel... awkward." He settled on the verbiage, huffing a breath of laughter at how odd it sounded. "I never wanted to lead, but it felt like I could help the most from the top. And just when I was starting to hit a stride - starting to believe I'd made the right decision and that the city could heal - " quieter, he shrugged his shoulders, "it all came to an end."

"After months of having people look to me and rely on me for guidance and decisions, to just fade into a nobody..." A loud sigh escaped, his head dropping back to look towards the ceiling. "I don't know. I feel like I've gone backwards, and I don't really know what to do with the skills I was starting to develop. I still had a lot to learn, but..." His voice faded, knowing that it didn't matter if he thought he'd been good at it. That period was over and he had to find something new to be good at.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Maybe nobody else blamed her - but she still blamed herself, no matter how ridiculous she knew that it was to do so. If she had been strong enough to stand up to the Family, they'd probably have either infected her or killed her, and then where would she be? But she'd never been able to shake the feeling that she could have done more, that when things had gotten hard, all she'd done was run away. "I know you're right," she murmured. "I do. But it's hard to make myself feel that way, sometimes."

Zavien held her tighter as she spoke of her struggles, and she leaned into it, subconsciously drawing strength from his support. Looking back at who she'd been after Tarak's death, she regretted a lot of choices. But as her boyfriend had rightly stated, they wouldn't be where they were without the good and the bad. Maybe she should forgive herself for some of her poor decision making.

When she turned the question back on him, she was unsurprised to find that his answer was just as complicated as her own. She listened, leaning into him, patiently waiting for him to describe how he felt. When he sighed and dropped his head back to look at the ceiling, Soh shifted to wrap one arm around his middle, peering up at his profile. "You aren't a nobody," she murmured. "Not to me, and not to the rest of Caido. You may not have Stormbreak anymore, but any region is lucky to have you and everything you've learned."

Soh fell silent, still wrapped around Zavien. She wanted to fix it for him, wanted to find him a new venture that could fill the void that leadership had left. She just wasn't sure what that was. They were both adrift, adjusting to a life they'd never expected to be living. "I wish I had answers for us both," she said finally. "But... I guess we just have to trust that we'll figure it out. Maybe it's Hak Etme, or maybe there's something that we're missing that's right in front of our faces." She hesitated. Knowing what she knew now about the history between Zavien and Kaisel - and, by extension, Flora - she wasn't sure he'd ever be interested in coming to Torchline, but Flora had extended an offer when she'd seen her friend last.

"I, uh... know this is going to sound crazy - for a variety of reasons," she began, stumbling nervously. "But... Flora said that Ronin could probably use help training and managing Torchline's soldiers. If something like that would even be something you'd be interested in. Which, I totally get if you're not, but, well, I guess my point is that maybe there are options out there."

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life