[SE] i wanna be your last first kiss

Zavien

With Soh properly secured and the 'good news treat' decided on, Zavien was prepared to settle in and enjoy the time they had together. Rain pattered gently against the window, a far-off scream barely audible in the quiet coziness of the space. He couldn't tell what time it was or how much had passed. It felt like eternity and no time at all. Was this what it was supposed to feel like? Like the world outside didn't exist?

Soh's whisper eased into the silence, nudging against his heart so that it could warm it like a mini flame that might burn him if exposed too long, but he didn't care. Like a moth drawn to its destruction, Zavien cradled the heat in his chest, refusing to believe that it could cause harm when it filled him with such light and joy. "Me too," he whispered, eternally grateful of how things had worked out - even if he still couldn't comprehend why. 

His hand continued to move down her arm as if reassuring himself that she was still there. "If I hadn't kissed you, do you think we ever would have ended up together?" The question came quietly with no sharp points or edges, a whisp of wondering that had filtered in as he thought about how lucky he was.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

The question was murmured into the stillness surrounding them, not sharp or expectant, but quietly wondering. ”Yes,” Soh said immediately, confident that life would have led them here one way or another. ”Maybe it would have taken longer, but…” She trailed off for a moment, quietly contemplating what she felt, how much she wanted to say. ”Zav, you’re everything I want. You’re kind and compassionate and generous, and you care so deeply about people, and you always try so hard to do what’s right. I’ve always felt like I could be myself around you. We would have still been friends, and we’d have spent time together like we had been, and eventually? I believe that one of us would have figured out that there was more there, if we wanted to try.”

Maybe things wouldn’t have gone the same way that they had; maybe things would have settled between she and Koa, so that Zavien wouldn’t have had to be quite so anxious about things. Maybe it wouldn’t look exactly like this, but Soh felt in her heart that it still would have worked out.

Still contemplative, Soh traced a gentle line up Zavien’s arm and back. ”Do you believe that things happen the way they do for a reason?” she asked softly, quietly curious.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Her certainty surprised him, his eyes falling to look at her as she spoke. He hadn't expected a declaration of affection or such convicted belief in their eventual relationship. He was always the optimistic one, sure and certain of how things would turn out for the better, but it was difficult to trust they would have been willing to take the risk by admitting their feelings. At least for him, he'd been careful not to let those kinds of thoughts grow or take form, believing he'd never be able to act on them without hurting someone or breaking his morals. And while he'd certainly done a number on both when he'd kissed Soh, she continued to prove to him at every opportunity why it had been a blessing in disguise. 

Zavien let those thoughts rest safely behind her faith, happy to give his own as he answered her question with equal conviction. "I do." He angled his head up as he picked his words. "I think things happen when we're supposed to, one way or another." Perhaps it wasn't necessarily 'destiny,' but he liked to believe in the good of the world, that things had purpose beyond pain and suffering. Otherwise, he could easily lose himself in the darkness of the past as much as the future, always worried about how things would work out. 

For a moment, he debated saying what came to his mind. It was a heavy topic, one Lena had never wanted to talk about, one he rarely talked about, but he found himself wanting to tell Soh, trusting that she would respond in the same way she'd done with everything else: compassion and understanding. So his voice lowered, slowing as he tread careful into the confession. "You know... when I died, I'd had a similar thought." Zavien's eyes turned distant, quietly recalling what it'd felt like. Not the pain or suffering or regrets, but the peace and unfaltering belief that he was exactly where he was most needed. "I was proud of how I'd lived my life," he continued, "of the choices I'd made and how far I'd come, and I'd thought, 'If this is how it's supposed to end, I'm happy with that.'" And then he'd embraced death like he had everything in life, like it was just the next step on his journey rather than the end.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

It didn't surprise her to learn that Zavien chose to believe in the good of the world, that there could be positive that came out of the negative. It was something that Soh had struggled with herself as she'd searched for a reason for the things that had happened to her, for the losses she'd endured. In the end, though, everything that she'd lived through had shaped her into who she was now - and she was learning to be proud of who that was.

Zavien's death was not something she'd expected him to bring up, but she supposed that they were still in their pillow nest, so the potentially difficult conversation was appropriate. If anything, she was simply surprised that he wanted to share with her something so profoundly personal. His words landed softly, and Soh turned them over in her mind, trying to get a feel for them. She knew that Mort was kind, that his halls were supposed to be peaceful, but to hear from someone who had actually died and been brought back was something else entirely.

She didn't realize she'd stilled, hardly daring to breathe, until she opened her mouth to reply. "That sounds peaceful," she murmured. She paused, then took a deep breath, hardly daring to venture further. "Was it... difficult? Coming back after making your peace with death?"

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

He felt Soh still, knowing that it probably wasn't something she liked to remember either. It wasn't something he spoke of lightly or fondly, but if she was going to know all of him, there were some things he had to share - at least once. 

Her questions had him nodding, humming quiet confirmation before he could find the words to speak. "Mhm." The sound lingered, deep and heavy with memories that he hadn't shared in a long time. But that didn't stop him from explaining, even if he had to shift uncomfortably in the soft embrace of the pillows before saying, "Death was peaceful and easy, but living... it hurt. From the moment of my first heartbeat, all I felt was pain. The feather had brought me back, but it didn't heal the wounds, and I felt every broken bone and bloody breath, every scream and echo of tearing muscle..." His voice faded in darkness, nightmares and twisted horrors that had kept him up for months after, terrified of his own shadow and what might be hiding inside. It had highlighted just how weak he was, and how easily the Family could destroy him and the people he cared about. 

Taking a deep breath, Zavien pushed aside those thoughts to continue. "And yet...part of me was happy, relieved. There was still so much I wanted to do. I hadn't wanted that to be the end." Particularly when it came to Lena and all that they hadn't said and done - that was apparently never meant to be. 

But the pain and nightmares hadn't been the only hard part of being brought back from death, and Zavien lowered his head as he admitted, "But for a while I was... embarrassed. I'd fallen because I didn't prepare enough, because I wasn't strong enough." His head shook to add, "I don't regret anything I did, but I was called foolish for rushing in." For being impulsive and thoughtless. Most didn't blame him, but for a time, he'd blamed himself, and although he'd do it all again to help Soh and defeat the Void Yeti, he'd recognized his own mortality more clearly. Which made it all the harder to see how he'd given in, embracing the end without a care. "And maybe I was a little embarrassed with how easily I had accepted death..." he whispered the last part, a confession he'd said only once before, one that used to bring him so much shame before he'd discovered his confidence again.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

As Zavien began to share, Soh realized that this was one story that she didn’t want to hear. Her heart broke at the thought of Zavien in such pain, particularly given her role in his death. But as hard as it was to listen, she needed to hear this. In order to know him, truly and completely, she needed to understand.

So she sat quietly, and she absorbed it, each word landing like a physical blow on her heart. And what she heard was her own words echoed back to her. I wasn’t strong enough, he said, and she wanted to weep because she got it . Hasn’t she felt the very same after her abduction? When the void yeti had nearly killed her instead of him?

So she swallowed down the urge to argue, to speak empty words that would only invalidate his feelings. But at his last admission, Soh frowned. ”You had no way to know you’d be able to come back,” she whispered. What was there to do except accept the hand he’d been dealt? What good would raging and screaming into the void have done? ”I think it’s brave to accept it and walk proudly into the unknown.”

But… she traced whorls onto his arm, beginning to move once more, though whether it was an effort to support him or herself, she wasn’t sure. ”But it makes sense for you to feel that way,” she mused. ”You’ve never been one to take the easiest path, have you? At least, not since I’ve known you. Was that what it felt like to you? Accepting death, I mean.” If he felt like he’d taken the easy way out of the pain of living, or that he’d failed to fight hard enough for the people he loved… she could see why he’d beat himself up over it.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Zavien had known it wouldn't be easy to hear. It was why he didn't talk about it, why he let people go on believing that it had been as simple as his heart stopping and restarting without any consequences; but the true experience had been something that shaped him, that scarred him in more ways than one, and he knew that if he was going to really make this work with Soh, she deserved to know the broken parts of him as much as the rest. 

When Soh finally spoke, he whispered a soft answer into the space. "I know." It was the same reassurance he'd given himself, the same argument he gave when the guilt sometimes found him at night, but he felt validated to hear someone else say it, like double checking his homework so he could submit it for final approval. 

Appreciative of the comfort of her touch, Zavien felt some of the darkness diminish, his awareness coming more fully into the space as he considered her assessment of him with a faint echo of a smile. "The harder paths build character." The words don't have as much levity or humor as he might have hoped, so he settled for truth. "But with death, I knew I was dying, so I guess it had come down to two paths: accepting it wholeheartedly and embracing the gift of the life I'd been given or fighting it and spending my last moments feeling regretful or fearful." Letting out a breath, he glanced away again. "I didn't want to feel that way because it wasn't going to make anything better."

To no disrupt their positioning, his shoulders raised in something that felt like a shrug. "The illogical part of me just likes to wonder sometimes if someone stronger would have fought harder to change their fate." He knew it didn't make sense, but that was the thing about doubts: sometimes they didn't have to.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Zavien wasn't wrong about harder paths building character, she supposed. Gods knew Soh had walked her own a few times, and it had certainly shaped her into who she was. Nothing quite like dying, of course, although she'd come close once or twice. Humming her agreement, her head tucked against Zavien's chest, she gazed unseeing at the window, where rain continued to drip upon the glass.

He gave voice to everything she'd thought, confirming her line of thinking. There was nothing he could have done about dying - except maybe not distracting the yeti so that Soh could get away - but he could choose how he decided to spend his final moments, what the awareness of the end would do to him. And he'd chosen to be content - which was no less than Soh might have expected of him, given what she now knew of his character.

"Mm," she hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose it depends on what kind of strength you're referring to. That ability to accept what you couldn't change is strong, Zavien. But... I do understand." It was that same part of her that wondered if someone more capable could have saved Stormbreak from the Family's ascension. "I know I can't change what happened to you, but I can at least remind you that you're stronger than you think, when you need me to," she offered softly. "When you start to wonder."

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Her words were a gentle balm against the old ache, a guiding hand away from the doubts and fears that sometimes rose. They weren't as frequent anymore. Enough time had passed and enough confidence had built that he didn't stress or wallow in them as much as he once had, but he knew they would never truly go away. Death stuck with a person, whether it was their own or someone close to them, and even when Zavien walked Mort's Halls again, he knew he would carry this with him. 

Until then, he trusted Soh. He believed every word she said along with all the ones she didn't. He didn't have to think or whether if it was pity or temporary support, he knew that she would be there for him wherever and whenever he needed her, because that's the kind of person she was. She didn't care how dark or heavy the weight was, she was willing to stand with him beneath the burden of the world and do what she could to lighten his load; and gods did he love her for it. 

He rubbed her arm, letting out a deep sigh as he pressed his cheek into her hair. "How did I get so lucky?"

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

It might not have been the most pleasant topic, but for Zavien, Soh would bear any weight. She was relieved to find that the way he talked about it suggested that perhaps it didn't burden him as it once had, although she regretted that she hadn't been there to lighten that load for him at the time, even if just as a friend. Still, if he had hard days in the future... at least now she would have a little insight into why that might be.

Zavien pressed his cheek into her hair, and Soh squeezed him a little tighter where her arm lay across his middle. "Well," she said cheekily. "I seem to remember that it started when an evil art hater broke into your house." Then her tone shifted into something more affectionate than playful. "But in all seriousness, between the two of us? I think I'm the lucky one." And if he wanted, she would gladly list out all the reasons why.

But in the meantime, she would be happy to continue to lay tangled up in pillows and blankets and him, ignoring the occasional distant scream and enjoying the warmth that seemed to have taken up permanent residence in her chest.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

He wasn't sure that's when it started, but he'd take her word for it, smiling playfully to add his own recollection of the events. "A beautiful art hater - but I think she turned out to be a thief instead." Although he'd had yet to figure out how she'd pulled off the impressive heist. 

Chuckling, he refused to let her just breeze past the lightened mood back into something serious. They deserved to have a little fun, and he wanted to hear her laugh, to see her smile, especially after he'd dumped so much on her today. So he pretended to wrestle her into submission by rocking her roughly in his arms as if to suggest she'd have to physically fight him for this one. "You really want to make this a competition?" Grinning, he made sure she was securely in his grasp where she couldn't squirm away from the compliments he whispered into her ear. "I got the strongest, smartest, kindest, most selfless woman here, willing to face her friends and carry the world for me. I don't think anyone can top that." Then he placed a kiss against her cheek where she'd be able to feel the smug curve of his lips.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

At Zavien’s correction, Soh blushed, smiling shyly into his chest. She was not a particularly vain woman, and to hear someone call her beautiful like that made her heart race with glee. And the thing was, she believed him; he made her feel beautiful not just in appearance, but inside, too. Like all her shadows were still worthy of love.

She might have asked what she’d stolen, but she was interrupted by Zavien’s light chuckle. Gods, she loved that sound, especially pressed against him where she could hear it rumble in his chest and feel it wrack his body.

And then his grip on her was tightening as he rocked her roughly in his arms, and she was squealing, ”Zavien!” with a playful, carefree laugh that seemed to shed any lingering seriousness from their prior conversations. Much to her dismay, she was definitely not strong enough to wriggle free (not that she tried very hard). ”I will absolutely make this a competition, and I will find a way to win -“

His breath on the shell of her ear stopped her; she took a sharp breath at the sensation and stilled, falling silent as he whispered compliments against her skin. Goosebumps rose on her arms, and she was rendered momentarily mute as he pressed a smiling kiss against her cheek. When she spoke, she was breathless. ”Well, when you put it like that…” She was pinned tightly, unable to move much more than her head - but that was all she needed. ”… but I’m still going to win.”

And then she turned her head just enough to press her lips against his.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Her laughter was exactly what he needed to hear. It burst into the room like an explosion of warmth and light, chasing away the lingering darkness from every corner, flooding his chest with such force that he thought he might melt. The tightness of his hold loosened only slightly, as if he'd already gotten what he wanted; but Soh tried to lob her challenge, obviously still intending to fight this out, and he had no plans on letting her win. 

Zavien relished the way she responded to his compliments, already basking in his victory and how he might lord it over her later - when her quiet threat piqued his interest. As his eyes looked to investigate, he was met by the strongest of counterattacks.

The kiss acted like an eraser, slashing through his line of thoughts without discrimination. His mind went blank beyond the press of her lips to his where he'd instinctually leaned into her, the soft texture of them, the taste of butter, their playful curve. He didn't stand a chance, and his hold on her shifted from that of determined captor to appreciative admirer, no less powerful for its softer edges that pulled her close. He drank her in, unable to get enough before he had to come up for air. 

His mouth hovered near hers, a tilt to his lips as he sucked in air, dazed as he whispered affectionately, "You play dirty."

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

In her mind, Soh had a plan. She was going to use the kiss to get Zavien to lower his guard so that she might gain the upper hand. Was it playing dirty? Maybe. But Soh was going to use every strategy to her advantage, especially after the effect he’d had on her simply by whispering compliments in her ear. But in practice, her plan went awry from the first touch of her lips against his. Rational thought immediately fled, her focus narrowing to just the taste of him and the feel of him and just him, him, him, intoxicating and heady and entirely hers. 

This time, it was Zavien who pulled away first - and it was a good thing, too, given that Soh’s mind had been overtaken by the thought of what he might do if she ran her tongue over his lower lip, tangled her fingers in his hair, shifted onto his lap just so -

When they parted, she was breathless all over again, her eyes dark with desire. ” Told you I’m the lucky one,” she said in response, voice triumphant but husky, no longer entirely sure that she’d won the round. All it would take for her to concede was one more kiss, one more touch, one more word breathed against her skin. Did he realize the effect he had on her, the power he could hold over her if he wanted? Was the fact that he didn’t take advantage one reason she was falling so fast?

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life