you're welcome for the emotional whiplash

Soh was, to put things kindly, very upset.

She stood at the front door of Zavien's little yellow house, where she had thus far known only comfort, with a pained, anxious expression on her face. Her heart rate was elevated - not enough to be indicative of true fear, but enough to let Zavien know that something was wrong. She carried a small bag stuffed with the essentials - and the dagger and letter that Colt had sent her, all thrown together in a rush to get out of Torchline and back to the man she loved and trusted to talk her through this.

While she'd known that Colt had left Flora's party angry, and that some of that anger had been directed at her, she truly didn't know what she'd done to essentially be called a backstabbing bitch. As far as she knew, she'd tried to help her friend get set up in Hak Etme, had considered moving there to continue to assist as a member of her council - only to have the decision made for her in whatever conversation had transpired between Colt and Flora. And while she'd been leaning away from the desert, for a variety of reasons, she still hated that it hadn't been her choice, in the end. And that it seemed to have caused problems for several people she cared about.

And what about Zavien? He'd been asked to join Colt's council, too. Would that offer be revoked if Colt knew they were dating? Would Zavien still consider it after seeing the knife in her bag? She didn't want to be the reason for his life to be derailed, if Hak Etme was something he wanted, but she couldn't keep this from him, either. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't, not when she wanted to tell him everything, when she sought him out for comfort and guidance.

She bit her lip as she waited for her boyfriend to answer the door, growing more antsy as the seconds ticked by. Anxiety was clear in her silver eyes, in the way she wrung her hands, shifting her weight from side to side as though she couldn't stand to sit still. And when he opened the door, he would find himself with arms thrown around his neck, a face buried in his shoulder, as Soh clung to him tightly, as if afraid to let go.

Sohalia

He'd just sat down at the table. An opened beer sat next to a whetstone and a pair of glove, his Starblade sheathed across the wooden surface. There was a frown on his face, worry lines run through his forehead as he ignored the soft pound against his chest. It had been racing for hours, a quiet display that something was going on, and Zavien was immediately recognizing the concern Soh had raised. He couldn't tell if she was exercising, happy, scared, or just dehydrated, and that bothered him. He'd spent all day waiting for the heartrate to slow, to reassure him that everything was okay, but it continued rushing along, consuming his every thought except one: she's alive.

When the knock at the door came, Zavien leapt quickly to his feet, wishing desperately to distract himself from the 'what ifs' willing him to run and find her. But when it opened, she was so much closer than he would have expected. He barely had a second to take in her appearance - the fidgeting of her fingers, the way her feet begged to run, the unsteady ripple of her eyes that looked on the verge of tears - before she was in his arms. He wasn't sure who had moved first, whether he'd pulled her in or whether she'd stepped, he didn't care. Something was wrong and maybe if he could hold her closer to his heart, it would make everything better.

Worry had his voice rambling, breaths tight with the force of holding it together. "Soh? Are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened?" He leaned back only enough to frame her face in his hands, searching it like he could read her mind in the curve of her cheeks or the flutter of her lashes. "What can I do?"

Zavien

When the door opened, Soh was in his arms in a flash of golden hair and silver eyes, clinging to him as though he alone had the power to make everything right again. And as he held her, that inexplicable sensation of safety surrounded her, slowing her heartbeat and steadying her breathing, enough that she was no longer quite so frantic when she realized how worried he must have been. ”I’m fine,” she murmured shakily into his neck, her words muffled by skin. But it was a half-truth, so she quickly clarified: ”I’m not hurt.”

He searched her face, cupping her cheeks in both hands, and the worry she saw had her eyes swimming with unshed tears. Dragging another person - especially someone she loved so much - into this mess was selfish, she realized. Gods, would she ever stop hurting people?

Swallowing thickly, she forced herself to take a deep breath. ”Something happened at Flora’s birthday party between her and Colt,” she said. ”It’s a long story. The short version is I’m pretty sure I caused the fight, and now I think Colt hates me, and Flora hates her, and it’s just a mess.” Thinking back over all that had happened, Soh’s lips trembled. ”I just - I needed to see you - I’m sorry that I made you worry -“ But there was no one else she wanted to turn to, even if it was selfish to do so. ”I’m so sorry, Zavien.”

Sohalia

You don't look fine. You look hurt, echoed in his head. He knew she meant physically - let that fact comfort him - but it didn't change the pain he saw in her eyes or the way she shook in his arms like she'd only barely been holding it together. As much as he wanted to bask in the confession that he was her safe place, all Zavien could focus on was helping her right now. 

There was no reason for him to anticipate the drama she dropped in his lap, and Zavien had to take the information in stride, piecing together what he could - not liking any of it. He enjoyed Colt and was conflicted over Flora, but they were both Soh's friends, and he hated the idea of her having to watch them fight, for any of it to inexplicably involve her. Logic demanded more information, but Zavien could already feel anger forming, furious at their audacity to put Soh in this kind of distress. What kind of friends were they?

He tried to keep a level head, still cradling her face as he whispered softly, "In everything you just said, I didn't hear anything you did wrong." He knew Soh and he knew she wouldn't intentionally cause a fight, especially not between friends. "Don't apologize." His fingers brushed over her cheeks like he was swiping away tears, his heart breaking to see her this distraught. 

With a gentle tug, he pulled her through the doorway, shutting it behind them as he led her towards the couch, maintaining as much physical contact as possible through the transition. "Come on." Sol cooed a sad greeting from the corner - curling up with the bone Zavien had stress bought - while Zavien settled them into the cushioned safety of the couch. His arms were still wrapped tight around her, grounding, present without constricting or overbearing. There was a looseness to his hold, giving her space to feel, to make space if she needed it, to curl closer. It was echoed in the lull of his words as he asked, "Do you want to talk about it? Or do you just want me to hold you and tell you how much I love you?"

Zavien

Nothing she’d done wrong? Soh blinked, stunned into momentary silence because she was so sure that everything was her fault. It had certainly sounded like Colt blamed her, anyway; how else was she supposed to interpret a sheathed dagger in the mail, like a threat and a promise all wrapped into one?

Zavien pulled her gently inside, the door snicking shut behind them. Anani went to join Sol in the corner, careful to leave his bone alone, more interested in companionship than finding a way to share a treat. Soh collapsed onto the couch, seemingly exhausted, snuggling closer into Zavien’s arms with a sigh. Things may be a mess, but at least she had him, and that was enough to calm her further.

”Both would be good,” she said, voice soft, offering a tentative smile. ”Like I would ever turn down that offer.” Nuzzling closer, she tucked herself against Zavien’s chest, trying to decide where to begin.

”I told Flora that Colt had offered me a council position,” she said after a moment. ”It… didn’t go well. I thought she was upset with me because I didn’t want a position in Torchline. I tried to tell her I didn’t want her to put me on her council just because we’re friends, that I wanted to earn it. But she just got really offended, like I was choosing Colt over her, even though I told her I wasn’t really sure I wanted to go to Hak Etme, just that I’d said I would think about it.” Worrying her lower lip between her teeth, Soh added, ”I thought that she was mad at me, not Colt.”

Sohalia

Zavien cracked a fragile smile, adjusting them on the couch so she could comfortably lay her head on his chest, his arms snug around her like a physical manifestation of his love. He smoothed down her hair, pressing a gentle kiss along her forehead as he gave her a moment to breathe, to just exist before she chose to tackle whatever had distressed her. 

When she started talking, his hand began to trace up and down her arm, soothing and reassuring as she spoke. He didn't interrupt, didn't contradict, didn't give any indication of annoyance. He just let her talk until she was done, confusion clear across his face. "Why would she be mad at Colt?" He pursed his lips at the more confusing question. "Why would she be made at you? It's not like you said yes." Shouldn't Flora be proud that someone admired her friend enough to ask such a thing? Why was she being anything but supportive?

Zavien

”I don’t really know,” Soh said honestly, brow creasing with her own confusion. ”When we were talking, it was like… arguing in circles. I kept trying to explain to her that it wasn’t anything to do with her, but she seemed really hurt by the idea that I thought she’d just give me a handout. Like it wasn’t even about Hak Etme anymore, not really.” Her lips twisted into a frown. ”In the end, we kind of just let it go. I’ve never… felt like that before. Not with Flora.” So frustrated, so unheard, so misunderstood - and that frustration was evident now, in the way she huffed out an uneven breath.

”So then, at her birthday party, Colt came. And I don’t know what happened, but I looked over and all of a sudden they were arguing. I don’t know what they said before I walked over, but what I did hear was Colt calling me a liar.” Her lips trembled at that. She’d always tried so hard to be honest, to be someone who told the truth, even when it sucked. To hear someone saying otherwise was devastating. ”And I just - that hurt, Zav.” Tears prickled at the back of her eyes, frustrating her further. What was wrong with her that she was suddenly so teary?

”I stepped out of the party. Flora came and found me, to make sure I was okay. From what she said, it sounded like Colt had accused her of trying to control me and keep me close, take away my choice, that kind of thing. But that was never what Flora said, not to me. She told me that if I wanted to go to Hak Etme, she’d support me even though she’d think it was crazy. She said she was just angry that Colt didn’t give her a heads up.” Soh shook her head, confusion settling in the spaces between the words. ”But that doesn’t make any sense. Why would Colt need her permission to recruit people for Hal Etme? And why would she come to Flora’s party just to stir up trouble?” There were too many pieces missing, pieces that Soh felt sure would clarify things.

”So when we got back to the party, Colt was gone. And the next day she sent me this.” Pulling reluctantly from Zavien’s hold, Soh reached for the pack she’d deposited by the couch. She pulled out the sheathed dagger, offering it to him hilt first, and then handed him the note, gesturing for him to read it.

Sohalia

He listened, his hand moving in a comforting rhythm as he thought. The more he heard, the more it felt like an echo of his own argument with Flora. No matter what he'd said, she'd spun it or pick at the parts that didn't matter, making him suddenly wonder if he was at fault, but once he'd gotten enough distance, the emotions had settled and he'd realized that he was even more confused - and bothered by Flora's reaction. But he wasn't as close with the Doubletake as Soh was, and he couldn't imagine what it must have been like to be on the other side after years of knowing the loving, caring part of her.

The next part had him stilling, his hands slowing to a stop as he tightened his hold on her. He'd never seen Soh like this. Even she'd nearly been killed, when Stormbreak had been doomed to fall, when she'd been retraumatized with a companion bond after her loss. None of those times did she sound like this - and it broke his heart.

He squeezed her arm, unable to say anything that would take away that pain or minimize the betrayal of not one, but two friends. How could these women no see how incredible she was? How honest and loyal and inexplicably considerate? That she would never do a thing to intentionally hurt either of them, and that she would bend over backwards to prove her friendship while they created faults where none existed.

A thought scraped insistent in his mind, nagging and increasingly loud as she spoke. He didn't like any of this, and as he pursed his lips, Zavien said, "I think the question is: Why would Colt need Flora's permission to ask you?" She wasn't Soh's keeper, and Colt didn't need her blessing to ask an impressively capable and uniquely experienced woman to consider a business proposal. And what gave Flora the right to talk on Soh's behalf? To say something that would have someone calling her friend a liar?

But Zavien didn't even know the worst of it.

He took the dagger first. New confusion spread over his face, turning to Soh like she'd just randomly changed the subject. But when he opened the letter (and eventually managed to decipher the meaning), Zavien's blood ran cold, and he looked to the dagger with new meaning. Everything was suddenly too loud, his rage feeling like a frozen flame searing through his bones. "This is from Colt?" He'd laughed and shared meals with this woman, helped her fight mud and flowers and herd cattle. They'd shared heartbreaking moments of understanding and advice. Zavien thought he knew her.

"She didn't strike me as an idiot," he shook his head, too sharp, too angry, "but you're the most honest person I know." His knuckles turned white where he gripped the dagger, eyes narrowing into dark slivers of green. Disgust colored his tone as he debated between throwing the dagger off a cliff and burying it in a barrow somewhere. "Maybe it was a good thing she showed her true colors now - before we got stuck on a council with her."

Zavien

The more she spoke, she more confused she became. She was eternally grateful for Zavien's hand tracing patterns on her arm, grounding her in the present and preventing her from working herself up all over again. If it had been just her, turning over everything in her mind, she wasn't sure she could have figured out what it all meant, decipher how she felt. But with him here, everything felt both more clear and more muddled - she didn't know what to make of either of her friends' behavior, but at least she could recognize now that she didn't understand.

"I don't know," Soh said, her voice small. She hated how tiny and insignificant it made her feel. "I know I missed part of their conversation, and when I was upset, I didn't really think about what Flora said, but... I don't get why she'd be mad at Colt, unless it was because Colt was trying to take me away. Which is exactly what Flora told me she didn't feel. I don't know if she just... thought Colt should have told her she was going to offer me a position, not so that she could give permission, but so she would know? So that she wouldn't find out after the fact?" Rubbing a hand over her forehead, Soh sighed. She didn't know what to think.

As for Colt... well. Soh watched with some level of trepidation as Zavien read the note, her heart pounding in her chest. She didn't want to upset him, but she couldn't - wouldn't - keep this to herself. Not when it could impact him, too, even if only indirectly. Fiddling with the hem of her shirt nervously, she waited, not wanting to be the cause of another falling out, but unable to see any way around it. A small part of her wondered if Zavien would try to dismiss the letter and the dagger somehow, to rationalize why Colt had acted the way she had. Gods knew Soh herself had tried and failed to do the same thing.

But she needn't have worried - and she let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding as Zavien gripped the blade, knuckles white, disgust evident in his tone as he finally spoke. Still, she had to fight the urge not to try and defend the woman she'd called a friend. "I just don't get it. Any of it." Placing a gentle hand on Zavien's where he clutched the dagger, she tried to get him to release it so that she could tuck it away in her pack. Then she was leaning back against the couch, cuddling close to Zavien once more. "I don't know what to do now," she confessed. "I don't know what I was going to do before, but now it feels like the choice was made for me."

Sohalia

"Maybe..." Zavien resumed his soothing rhythm, trying to piece things together as much for Soh as himself. Nothing about Flora made sense to him, and no matter how he twisted or analyzed it all, he couldn't imagine what was running through her mind. Maybe that's why she terrified him, because he couldn't understand her. And yet, he still tried, shrugging his shoulders as he suggested, "She always seems to be the first to know everything else. It's possible it hurt her pride when Colt surprised her - or you did, when you thought about it." Leaving Flora behind as the one who hadn't realized Soh might want to do more that stay in her house forever. 

Through the haze of anger around the petty letter, Zavien was faintly aware of Soh's hand on his, realizing that he was losing sensation in his fingers by gripping the handle so tightly. He slowly released each finger, controlled and measured as he sighed. "You're right. None of that was fair to you." Everyone had talked around Soh rather than to her, making assumptions and decisions as if she were a pawn to be moved or a prize to be won. It disrespected her on every level. 

Zavien wrapped his arms back around her, softening his hold so that she might feel how he cherished her, how she'd so quickly become the center of his world, how much power she had here, even if other people might not recognize it. He placed another kiss atop her forehead, letting go of some of his rage - but not all of it. "Let Colt toil away in the sand. Maybe the heat will melt away the stubborn stupidity until she realizes she needs to apologize." And if she did, maybe she'd recognize how precious good friends were, and perhaps that would open an opportunity to repair what had been broken.

Sighing, he set his head against her head, proceeding cautiously as he whispered, "I don't know about Flora though. You know I won't come between you two, but do you think living together is making her overprotective?" If they'd never fought before, it seemed to be the only recent change he could think of. It was possible they just needed space again, space to be individuals.

Zavien

"Maybe," Soh echoed. Truthfully, she had known that thinking about leaving might sting, which was why she'd wanted to be up front about it. In retrospect, though, she wondered if it might have been better to keep quiet until she'd made up her mind one way or another. "I just don't want to be 'Flora's best friend' forever, you know? I'm living in her region, in her house, she offered me a place on her council - it's like, I just want something that's mine." She tightened her grip on Zavien, an unconscious claim that he was hers, even if nothing else was. "Something that I earned on merit, not just because I pulled strings to get there. And even if Flora did offer me a place because I deserved it -" Which was questionable, at best, after everything that Soh had failed at with Stormbreak. "- that's not what it would look like."

After tucking away the blade - she'd have to figure out what to do with it later - she nestled back in Zavien's arms, melting into him in a way that spoke of just how safe she felt with him. That he dismissed Colt so easily was a balm to her wounded soul; she wasn't sure what she'd have done if she'd argued with Zavien over this, too.

But Flora was another matter. "What choice do I have?" she whispered without thinking, then flushed. What was she saying? She loved Flora, loved having a place with her to come home to. But it isn't yours, whispered a voice in the back of her mind. "I just mean - I don't have a home of my own, so -" Flustered, and feeling like a terrible friend, Soh shrugged, the motion dulled somewhat by Zavien's arms around her. "I don't... know where else I would go," she said carefully, because the only other place that she might go now felt presumptuous to say aloud.

Sohalia

The urge to correct her was too strong. He knew he should reassure and encourage her to do something about the feelings, but he couldn't stand the way she minimized herself, the way she thought no one would believe she'd earned her place in leadership. His head shook, lips pursing with disapproval. "You have never just been 'Flora's best friend,' Soh. I didn't even know you were friends until months after we'd met." Their meeting felt like forever ago, crouched next to a river talking about ways to repair relationships. He should have seen it then. 

"You've always been your own person, fighting for your home and what you believe in." As the Heart, the Luminary, the warrior, the Advisor. She'd stood her ground, tall and proud in the face of danger. Zavien smiled at her, running a hand through her hair like they were rays of sunshine he could catch. "Even now you shine bright, despite all you've lost." He could practically see her heart, pulsing with so much love and light even after the bruising that had brought her running here. "No one else compares. And no one else can ever overshadow you unless you let them." Not Flora. Not Colt. Not him. No one. For as long as she kept the pureness of her heart, he believed she would find a way to be a light for others - him most of all. 

Her tone felt so small and lost, drifting without a place to land, searching for safety and securing that wasn't claimed by someone else. It was an echo to his own heart, how he'd felt before Soh was grounding him. He ached to help her find freedom, to embrace the current and let it guide her to someplace new. 

Running his hand down her arm, he encouraged, "If it's what you want, I'm sure we can find you someplace all your own - even if I have to build it." He tilted his head, trying to keep his own opinions at bay, not to be another influence stripping away the independence she desired. "It could be in Torchline or King's End or the Greatwood or wherever your heart desires." But he couldn't leave the words unspoken, to let her think he wanted her anywhere but here with him every second of every day. His voice softened, more subdued as he suggested, "Or... there's always be space for you here." He paused, resisting the urge to fidget as the nerves rose, a soft redness forming along his ears. "Short or long term."

Zavien

A faint blush started in her cheeks, turning her face pink with pleased embarrassment as Zavien sang her praises. He was biased, she knew that, but he had known her for a while now, even before they were a couple. If he'd seen her as her own person, if he truly thought all of that of her... then maybe there was a sliver of truth buried beneath the love he held for her now. But it was his final statement that truly gave her pause: that no one could overshadow her unless she let them. Somehow, he'd put the power back in her hands, given her the choice that no one else had afforded her. And if she had the power to decide whether or not she would live in someone else's shadow... well, then she knew what choice she would make.

She shifted in place, somehow managing to straighten without leaving the warmth of Zavien's arms. "I love you," she told him, the emotion thick in her voice, blazing in her eyes. She didn't know how he'd known exactly what to say - just like he'd shown time and again that he knew how to soothe her worries, patching up a soul that had yearned for the kind of love he held for her - but it just proved again how right they were.

She paused long enough to let the words linger in the scant space between them, and then Zavien was reassuring her still more, offering to go so far as to build a place just for her if it was what she wanted. She was about to smile, to reassure him that helping her find a place that was already built would suffice, but then his voice softened, his ears reddening, and her breath caught in her throat at the magnitude of what he was suggesting.

Sitting up, Soh turned to look at him, searching his face for any indication that he didn't mean it, looking for any sign of hesitation. "Zavien..." she murmured, brow creasing. "I..." Blinking stupidly at him, she forced herself to swallow past the sudden dryness in her mouth. "I would stay with you forever," she said. "But - I know it hasn't been that long, and I don't want to bother you. I mean, what if you want space and I'm just... here, all the time?" But she wouldn't be, not all the time, not as much as she traveled. And thus far, every time she'd left him behind in King's End, she'd only been counting the days until she could return.

What if he felt the same?

Sohalia

The tension melted from his body when Soh smiled at him like that. He didn't know if he'd said the right words, didn't know if she'd actually believed them, but he knew he meant them just as he meant it when he leaned forward to whisper back, "I love you, too." The words echoed and took a physical presence between them, coming easier every time he admitted it. 

Once the suggestion left his mouth, Zavien knew it was a mistake. Soh pulled away to look at him, the blood having drained from his face the moment she started moving. She didn't even have to say anything, didn't have to add 'but' into the mix. As selfishly as he wanted to see her every day and wake up to her beautiful face, that hadn't been the point of suggesting she move out of Flora's place, regret pulling his eyes from hers as he interjected. "I'm sorry, you're right. It's early, and the whole point was to find something just for you - yours and only yours - " he swallowed, feeling guilty for suggesting such a thing after advocating so heavily for her independence "and moving into my place would just be exchanging one landlord for another." Zavien shook his head, dismissing the last few moments and his stupid lapse in judgement. "I shouldn't have said anything."

Pushing aside the bit of disappointment, he put on a bright smile for her. "Let's focus on finding you a place to call your own. It could still be close to here if you wanted." He was practically begging for it.

Zavien