you're welcome for the emotional whiplash

"Hey, no, that's not -" she said, her frown deepening as Zavien diverted his gaze from hers. "Zav, that's not what I meant." Gods, maybe she was just cursed to never be able to explain herself properly. Maybe her relationships were just doomed to poor communication, all because she couldn't manage to have a simple conversation without it going off the rails.

But no. Not this time. Not this relationship. "Zavien," she said firmly, reaching up to take his face in her hands, trying to get him to look back at her. "Let me be clear: I would, without a shadow of a doubt, come stay with you for as long as you'd have me. When I'm not with you, all I can think about is being right back here in your arms." She searched his face, hoping to find some understanding dawning. "I'm not hesitant because I don't want to be here. I do, all the time."

She paused, thumbs stroking the stubble on his cheeks. Maybe this was a conversation that was overdue. "I'm hesitant because I... don't have the best track record with relationships. I always manage to do something wrong, or make a mistake, or -" She shook her head, clearing away the self-deprecation. "If I moved into your place, I'm scared that I would just do something that chased you off. What if you get sick of me?"

It was a fear that spoke of a certain vulnerability, a fear that had her own eyes dropping from his, as though afraid of what she might see there. "I love you, more than I can even describe. I can't - I don't want to lose you." Not for any reason, but certainly not because they were rushing into something like her moving in. Not when they had all the time in the world to make those decisions.

Sohalia

He shouldn't have said anything. Even as she tried to reframe and reassure him, he could hear the conflict in her voice, knew there was going to be a 'but' that he had to brace for; because it was too soon and she needed space to be her own person, not under Flora or him. He knew that, knew that it was a bad idea, that it didn't matter how much they loved each other right now, or how much he missed her when she was gone. It was too much too soon.

But when Soh gave her reason, Zavien paused, his own thoughts jolting to a stop. The quiet resignation turned to confusion, his face tightening as he tried to understand where this had come from - and why it hurt. His voice was soft, not angry or accusatory, but just sad, coming out as a near whisper like he didn't want the questions to take up what little space was between them. "Do you really think that? That I'd get sick of you?" Did she think so little of his feelings for her? He'd hoped he'd made his affections clear, had hoped she knew that they weren't some childish infatuation or flimsy attraction that she could weaken the more he learned about her.

His hands ran down her arms as if he could smooth away the doubts, wishing again that he hadn't brought up living together so soon, wondering if that had scared her. "There's nothing you could do - no amount of time together or apart - that would change how I feel about you." What should have been a comforting and uplifting statement came out muted, tinged with a sad uncertainty of whether she'd believe him.

Zavien

Why did she always do this? How did she manage to continually make things worse just by opening her mouth? Zavien's wounded whisper cut deeper than anything Flora or Colt could have done, and all she could think was that it was a self-inflicted wound. She'd brought this upon herself with her doubts and fears and questions, things that she shouldn't even be feeling, much less sharing. When would she learn?

She swallowed down the threat of tears that rose in her throat, prickling at the back of her eyes. "I'm sorry," she murmured, voice thick with unshed tears. "That wasn't fair to you." But what could she say now that would make it better, that wouldn't sound like she was backpedaling just to make him feel better?

She searched his face, feeling heartsick. Her gaze fell to his necklace, and she reached to brush her fingers along the gold pendant. Something in her softened, bending instead of breaking, and she took a shuddering, fragile breath. "I know how you feel about me, I promise I do. It's the same way I feel about you."

Sohalia

Zavien might have disagreed that Soh shouldn't be sharing these feelings, because as much as it hurt for him to hear her doubts, he'd rather she told him than kept it in to fester and taint their relationship. He wasn't looking for an apology. It wasn't about being fair to him. It was about why that had been her reason. 

His head shook, reaching a gentle hand to place it over hers. He didn't need to touch the pendant to feel like he was holding her heart. When he looked deep into her eyes, he knew her, and knew that she meant her words - but she'd also meant the ones before. 

Brushing a thumb across the back of her hand, he whispered a soft plea. "Then trust me." Zavien tightened his hand like it was their relationship in his grasp, refusing to weaken or back down when faced with hardship. "This is serious dating, remember? You're not going to lose me or scare me off by being the person I love - by being you."

He let the words sink in, wanting to wipe away the bit of tears gathering in her eyes, wanting to smooth the dimple that had formed on her chin, wanting to reassure her that he wasn't so easily deterred, wanting her to open up to him. His voice when it came again was the soft light on a dark horizon, inviting the sun to peak above so it could cast away the night, open and welcoming in how it would reveal what lay in the shadows. "What do you think is going to scare me away?"

Zavien

Then trust me, Zavien pleaded, and Soh blinked, surprise threading across her features, because of course she trusted him. She'd trusted him with her heart, and that was everything she had to give.

A sudden understanding dawned then, because if she trusted him with that - with all of her - then surely she had to trust that he knew her, intimately and completely. Sure, there may be things that they had yet to learn about each other, but deep down, she trusted that he knew who she was.

He knew who she was, and he loved her anyway.

Wonder crept into her face, awe at the fact that she'd gotten to lucky as to be loved by this man - someone who wouldn't run away at the first sign of difficulty, but would sit here with her in her fears and reassure her that they were nothing in the face of the relationship they were building. Zavien was here, still holding her, still gripping her hand. He wasn't leaving.

He wasn't leaving.

"Sometimes it feels like everyone I've ever cared about has left," she whispered thickly. Her parents, Auden, Jude, Koa, even Colt - every relationship she could think of, save for Flora, had ended in heartbreak for Soh. Family torn apart, friendships that simply faded away, relationships that never went anywhere, it had all coalesced into a ball of hurt that she carried in her chest to shape her into someone fragile and afraid. But she'd trusted Zavien anyway. She loved him anyway.

Maybe she was stronger than she gave herself credit for.

"I thought I was cursed," she continued, brow creasing as her brain rapidly parsed this new information. "So I thought... I thought the problem was me. That I'd do something - I don't even know what. Make a mistake, be too much, be too me - to make anyone who loved me leave, eventually." She tilted her head to one side, the hand that had brushed the necklace moving back to Zavien's cheek. It wasn't a question of trusting him - it was a question of trusting herself. But didn't that amount to the same thing in the end?

"But you're not leaving." It was a statement, not a question, a statement that held all the wondrous emotion that bubbled up in her chest at the realization. "You love me - all of me - and you're not leaving." A slow, shy smile spread across her face. Knowing that - trusting that - was something she would have to get used to. But she could, because Zavien would give her that grace.

Sohalia

He watched the emotions flicker across her face: surprise, understanding, wonder, sadness, joy. He watched it all, drinking in her words and the deep-seated fears that came with the traumas of her loss. "You're not cursed," he said, not needing her to believe it yet, but needing her to hear it anyways, needing to say them aloud for her as much as him. 

Zavien had lost too. His mom, his life, his girlfriend, his city. It felt so easy for something to be taken, and he knew that sometimes when there was no 'why,' he had made himself the reason. Whether it was being unprepared for a fight or realizing Lena was in danger, he'd found ways to blame himself or think he was cursed in some way. But the truth had come to him. That the world wasn't fair, and all he could do was accept it and try to be better than he was before. 

Pressing his cheek into Soh's hand, he offered a soft, confirming smile. "I'm not leaving." He knew who she was and she didn't need to be afraid. He was determined to stay by her side no matter what they faced.

Zavien

He wasn’t leaving. He was right here with her, in the trenches of her fears, battling through all of the deep-seated beliefs she held about herself, right by her side. It was a glorious realization, like sunlight breaking through on a cloudy day, shedding golden light on all that lay below. Suddenly, everything that had brought her here felt less daunting. Flora, Colt - the whole thing felt a lifetime away, like it couldn’t touch her so long as she sat on this couch in this house with this man.

Maybe she wasn’t cursed. Maybe everything wasn’t entirely her fault. She’d made mistakes along the way, sure, and she’d always own up to those. She’d hurt people she cared about, maybe contributed to some of the reasons they’d left. But she could only control herself and how she reacted to a situation. She didn’t have any control over things like death, or someone else fleeing emotional commitment, or friends drifting apart. And that realization changed everything.

”I believe you,” she said, leaning her forehead against Zavien’s. Then, with a soft, incredulous laugh, she added, ”How do you manage to keep making me love you more?”

Sohalia

'I believe you' brightened the space around them, sunlight peeking through the darkness of fear and anger that had brought her here. Zavien smiled, letting her forehead settle against his, breathing in her air with quiet ease. He knew it probably wasn't the end of this, knew that Soh was human and that doubts would certainly rise again, but for now, he took her at her word, letting the peace calm his aching heart. 

His lips were curved with a hint of humor, his nose brushing playfully along hers. "The same way you manage to do it to me." Without any thought, his hands fell to her back and arms, returning to their absentminded rhythm of acknowledgement, reminding himself that she was there, that this was still real, that he was allowed to be this happy. It already felt like more than he could contain, always pressing against the seams of his heart like it might burst, love overflowing in abundance. "Do you think there's a limit?" he asked teasingly.

Zavien

Soh smiled, heart full. She knew that she had more work to do on herself before she could fully trust that she wouldn't succumb to her fears once more, but she was also beginning to trust that even if she did, it didn't spell the end for she and Zavien. Their relationship might just be starting, might still be new, but it was already stronger than any she'd ever experienced before. And whenever she began to doubt, she knew she could look back to this moment, to this promise, and remind herself to breathe through the fear.

"Mm," she hummed, pretending to think about the question. Then, nudging his nose with hers, she said, "No. I think it's limitless." At least, there wasn't a limit that she could see at present, not when it felt like every day her heart grew a little larger, a little stronger, a little better for having him in her life. She couldn't see that changing any time soon.

Keeping herself pressed close to Zavien, Soh settled more comfortably into the couch, the hand on his cheek slipping to rest on his chest, over his heart. She could feel it beating, and the rhythm lulled her as her mind wandered back to their previous conversation. "I think I do want to move closer to you," she ventured after a moment. "I want to be able to see you more. Not that I don't love traveling, but it's not the most convenient thing to live half a world away."

Sohalia

A grin spread across his face, finally breaking fully. He liked the sound of that. Limitless. He just didn't know if it was possible, didn't know how his heart could handle any more than it was already holding. There was the smallest inkling of fear, remembering the last time he was in love, how losing it had felt like losing part of himself. If this feeling only grew... Zavien didn't know if he'd recover from that kind of loss. 

But he pushed aside the fear, smiling at Soh as she snuggled back onto his chest where she belonged, close to his heart. She eased back into their previous conversation without hesitation, having aired out the emotions surrounding it. "I hate having you so far." Zavien stroked her arm, curious as he asked, "Does that mean you want to move to King's End?" He did his best not to sound too excited, to influence her decision when this was supposed to be about her finding freedom and independence.

Zavien

Of course, Soh would understand completely that there would always be some level of fear. Losing one another even now would be devastating, much less if their love continued to grow. But they were doing what they could to remedy it as much as possible, finding ways to reassure one another whenever they were apart. And maybe they didn’t have to be apart as often, if Soh had anything to say about it.

”I mean, King’s End has grown on me,” she teased, as though it wasn’t simply that King’s End was where Zavien was. Craning her neck, she tilted her head to press a kiss to his jawline. ”I want to be where you are. So… yes. We’ll find a place for me here.” Frowning as a new thought occurred to her, Soh said, ”If there’s anywhere left. I can’t imagine the housing market is booming after so many Breakers came here.”

Sohalia

Chuckling at her joke, he gave her a playful squeeze that turned softer when she placed a kiss into his stubbled chin. "It's true. They gave most of the available housing to the Breakers when we arrived," his shoulders shrugged beneath her to add, "but I'm sure we can find something." 

He'd already offered to build her something, and Zavien was still willing to make that happen if they didn't find anything, but first, he asked, "Would you want to be here in New Haven? Or maybe Meadowreach?" There were a lot of little businesses out by Meadowreach, and he didn't want her to feel pressured to be so close to him if she still needed some space. They would still be close enough to visit daily if they wanted, but not so near that they would practically be living together anyways.

Zavien

The good news was that Soh didn’t need much. Something simple suited her well - regardless of location. The most important thing to her was proximity to the man she loved, and perhaps as a close second, the independence she’d started to feel like she was losing. That he would support her and urge her to have that again meant more than she could say, even if a small part of her wished they could just skip ahead to the part where they moved in together. Mostly she just didn’t want to rush anything, though, and so she considered the question of where in King’s End with a thoughtful hum.

”Either,” she said after a moment’s pause. ”I want to be as close to you as I can be, but if things are limited, I don’t want to miss out on something in Meadowreach when it’s really not that much further.” Remembering something, she added, ”Just nothing in the Refuge. I can’t shift there, and it makes me feel… uncomfortable.”

Sohalia

"Mm. I didn't think of that," he said of the Refuge. It seemed like a simple enough request, only a portion of the entire King's End to avoid, and he reassured her with a gentle rub of her arm. "I'm sure we'll find you the perfect place."

Still thinking on her shifts, he tried to recall what she'd told him about and what he'd seen while knowing her. "You said your first shift was an owl, right? And I've seen your jaguar. You mentioned a pagasus... What other shifts do you have?" The question was curious and a little playful. Although he'd never considered Attuning himself (the thought of losing Sol was too great), it was interesting to hear of their experience and abilities. Out of everything he'd heard, the bond sounded particularly interesting to him, something practical and intimate in a way that was unimaginable to him.

Zavien