a rollercoaster kind of rush

Zavien

The honesty was appreciated, and he was grateful for the buffer he'd placed between himself and the answer she gave. It didn't hit as hard, glancing off the gaping hole Kai had managed to dig out with such little effort. Reckless words or intentional insult, one thing remained true. 

"He never apologized," Zavien whispered. 

The words settled softly between them, a truth that had lost its sting after so long, a quiet acceptance that it would probably never come. "For threatening to ruin my relationship with Lena." He knew the clarification wasn't needed, knew that Soh would understand what he meant. The truth was that Kai had regretted only one of the two actions, but it was impossible to tell whether he'd done so out of true remorse or a fear for retribution from Soh's best friend. 

Zavien didn't much care. He didn't trust Kai anymore. The bond had been broken, and rather than attempt to repair it, he'd stepped on the pieces. 

Letting out a resigned sigh, he pulled Soh into a tight hug, needing to feel something other than the sharp stabbing of a lost friend or the icy ache of grief.

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

Your past and mine are parallel lines

He never apologized.

Soh didn't need the clarification, but she thought that maybe Zavien had needed to say it all the same. She watched him, a worried contrition on her face, as though this was somehow something that she could have prevented, if only she had tried hard enough. If only she had known what she knew now then, she could have prevented this hurt, this heartache, from settling into what should have been a happy evening for them.

Zavien pulled her into a tight hug, and she gripped him just as tightly, burying her face into his neck and breathing him in. "I'm so sorry," she said, the murmur muffled by the press of her lips against his shirt. She wished she knew Kaisel better, wished that she could say he wouldn't have followed through on his threat, that he'd just been a hotheaded young man, an idiot in love, but none of that felt true anymore, if it ever had been to start with.

Had he always been cruel and vindictive, or had it started after their original argument? Was it just something he held against Zavien, or was it possible that, someday, Flora would somehow be affected? Or was she already, given that there seemed to be little likelihood of repairing what Kaisel had broken, either between he and Soh or between he and Zavien? How was she supposed to navigate disliking her best friend's husband?

Because she wasn't sure there was any going back now, not for her. If Kaisel had insulted her, perhaps it would have been different, but to land such devastating blows against someone she loved so deeply... that was something that Soh didn't know if she would ever be able to forgive.

Stars all aligned and they intertwined

Zavien

It was hard to hear Soh's words over the muffled ringing in his ears, but he was quick to respond, guilt making another appearance as he held her close. "No, I'm sorry. I want you to feel close to Flora, and I'm sure it would be great if everyone could hang out and get along, but..." he shook his head, struggling to imagine sitting across from the man at dinner, acting like everything was fine, laughing.

Zavien clenched his jaw, a new emotion kindling in his chest. "I don't know if I can look at Kai the same way, not after all he's said." Who knew all the things he hadn't said? All the heartless and cruel things he thought about the people he supposedly 'cared' for?

The emotion was anger.

It didn't flare or burn or consume his every thought, but a low heat accented his words as Zavien thought again about the proposal, wanting nothing to do with it. "It sounds more like he wants to smooth things over instead of apologizing or owning up to his words." He shook his head again, remembering how Kai had tried to breeze past it all at the rodeo, pretending like nothing had even happened. If they let him, Zavien was sure he'd do the same now, going about as if his words didn't mean anything, that they didn't hurt people.

"I don't like it."

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

Your past and mine are parallel lines

"You have done nothing wrong," Soh insisted, nestling as close as she could and holding him just as tightly. If Zavien's only crime was to love, then she couldn't understand how that was worthy of such judgment and retribution. "This doesn't change anything with Flora. It just means that I don't want anything to do with Kaisel anymore." Would it be more complicated than she made it out to be? Of course. That was Flora's husband, after all. It wasn't like she could just be rid of him. But for Flora's sake, she could play nice when she needed to, even if it made her feel sick to think that she'd have to.

She just... wasn't willing to subject her boyfriend to the same fate.

It surprised her not at all that he didn't want any part of a double date, and she couldn't blame him. It was exactly as Zavien described: it sounded like Kaisel wanted to smooth things over rather than apologize, and she had to wonder if he felt any remorse for his words. If he even realized the impact they could have on others. At best, he was blissfully ignorant. At worst...

She preferred not to think of that.

"I don't either," she admitted, pulling away just enough to lean her forehead against his. "I'll just tell him no." It wouldn't be pleasant, but in all fairness, it wasn't like they didn't have enough to deal with at the moment without adding this drama to the mix.

Stars all aligned and they intertwined

Zavien

He nodded his head. He wasn't sure whether he believed cutting Kai out wouldn't change anything with Flora, but he chose to trust Soh for now. Flora was her friend, and although he wouldn't do anything to come between them, he had to believe Soh would tell him if he became a threat to that. 

And yet, as she adjusted in his arms, determining to deny Kai's request, Zavien hesitated. He pursed his lips. "Won't that cause more problems?" Staying silent was one thing, but if Soh refused a request to 'make up,' she would quickly turn into the one who 'didn't give him a chance.' Even if they didn't think he was going to apologize or own his actions, it didn't change the perception or the blatantly clear message it would send. 

"We don't have to like it or like him, but if we can't even make it through a simple meal..." That would complicate everything, leaving them to constantly have to navigate this uneasy tension. Large events would be awkward in light of the clear rejection, happiness broken into pieces that could only be shared with certain people, the history always dangling above their heads like a shroud of worry. 

Zavien shook his head, sighing heavily under the strain as he finally looked to her. "I don't know. Would it be better to meet with them? Just to make it clear where we stand?" Would it help for them to see Soh and Zavien together? Did he care? All he wanted was for Soh to be happy, and he felt that rejecting Kai entirely would only make things worse than they already were.

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

Your past and mine are parallel lines

Soh and Flora had long since promised not to let anything - including the men in their lives - come between them, and she had to hold onto that promise for fear of losing her best friend. But deep down, in a battle between Soh and Kaisel, the Luminary had to admit that she was no longer so sure that she would win out.

But that was a concern for another day. For now, there was the question of what to do about Kaisel's message. "I don't know," she admitted as Zavien asked if declining would cause problems. It would certainly be awkward, and merit a discussion with Flora. "When Flora told me what had happened between you and Kaisel, we didn't agree about how it was handled." As she'd told him before, she'd been firmly on his side, if sides were to be had, and Flora hadn't seemed to understand them at all. "So... I honestly don't know how things would go if we declined, with either of them." While she could assume that Kaisel would paint himself as the wounded party, she had to believe that Flora would at least give her a chance to explain herself. But whether or not they would find understanding after that explanation... well, that was something else entirely.

Biting her lip, she tried and failed to reason her way out of accepting. She sighed, stroking his cheek with her thumb, her other hand resting on his chest over his heart. Feeling its steady beat grounded her, and she shook her head. "I don't want to put you through that." Not when Kaisel was so... quick to share thoughts that might should remain unsaid. Who knew what he would do to offend them this time? "We could pretend the letter got lost," she suggested, only half-joking. If they'd never received the letter, gods knew that it would make their lives easier.

"I don't like the timing," she said. "But... if we picked neutral ground, or maybe invited them to King's End instead of going to Torchline..." Huffing a sound of frustration, she shook her head again. "I don't like it either way. If we go and act like nothing's wrong, then Kaisel never learns that his words have consequences. But if we make a fuss..." Then they'd only look like they were in the wrong, rather than the ones who'd been wronged by Kaisel's unfiltered words.

"I can live with not getting along with Kaisel. I just don't want to give him another chance to hurt us."

Stars all aligned and they intertwined

Zavien

Still recalling the drama of their disagreement from months ago, Zavien nodded his head. It seemed so insignificant now, so stupid and meaningless, and yet it had carried into their relationship now, dividing the couples over some dramatic reaction when he's refused to lie. That had been a niche, partially fictitious scenario that had Flora and Kai jumping at his throat, but if they turned down this very real offer, Zavien was afraid of the message it would send and the unbridgeable chasm that might form. 

As reluctant as he was to agree with the invitation, he refused to risk being the cause for that chasm, willing to sacrifice his own feelings if it meant salvaging what relationship Soh had with her best friend. And as easy as it would be to take the ignorant way out, he gave her joke a rueful smile. "You might not know this, but I'm pretty bad at lying. I'm not sure I could pull that off." Or that he wanted to. Lying had always been a boundary he wouldn't cross, and it would feel cowardly to ignore the letter, like he needed to run from the confrontation. 

Still, it begged the question of how and where they would meet - if they did. Soh brought up good points that Zavien agreed with. It was a fine balance between staying amicable and letting Kai walk all over them, and he wasn't about to be a doormat when his pregnant girlfriend was involved. 

Straightening his shoulders like a warrior preparing for battle, he laid out the strategy that came to mind. "Then we turn the offer around. We tell them they're welcome to join us in King's End for dinner if Kai plans on making amends - not just 'making sure you're good,' but putting in the effort to prove he's sorry." Narrowing his eyes, Zavien explained, "If he doesn't care or doesn't think he did anything wrong then it's not on us, and we get to avoid an uncomfortable dinner." And they'd have their final answer about what kind of person Kai was while making their own stance clear.

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

Your past and mine are parallel lines

Soh smiled ruefully as Zavien declined to take the easy way out. "Yeah, me either." She'd always been one for honesty, even to her own detriment. It had cost her dearly, but when she looked back at the choices she'd made, she wouldn't change a thing. She'd always choose honesty, even if it killed her. This situation was no different. Whether they declined to participate or chose to move forward, they'd have to do so with as much integrity as they could and let the chips fall where they may.

Zavien straightened, squaring his shoulders as though preparing for battle - and Soh supposed that, in a way, this would require just as much strategy. She nodded slowly in response to Zavien's suggestion, a significant, conflict-avoidant part of her quailing at the thought of sending such a letter. Still, she knew he was right - they couldn't let Kaisel walk all over them, and they had to be intentional about the message they sent by accepting.

Soh bit the inside of her cheek, thinking. Releasing Zavien, she found a piece of parchment in the bag she'd left by the door and carried it over to the table, where she scrawled out a message, reading aloud as she went:

"Kaisel,

I agree. Let's not leave things like this.

Zavien and I would like to suggest dinner in King's End, if you plan on making amends. There's a steakhouse here that we'd love to show you guys.

Sincerely,

Sohalia"

Looking up at Zavien, she raised her brows, silently asking if he had anything to change or add. She was sure that there was more she could write, a stronger stance she could take, but even this went so against her nature that anxiety fluttered uneasily in her stomach. What would the response be? Would Flora understand? While Soh couldn't care less about Kaisel's opinion of her, the thought of Flora taking Kaisel's side over hers made her stomach turn.

Stars all aligned and they intertwined

Zavien

He hesitated in letting her go, but he released Soh as she moved to find paper and pen. It was obvious she didn't like the thought of pushing back, yet he saw no other way through this. They couldn't ignore Kai for fear of being cowardly, couldn't refuse him in case there was a slim possibility of reconciliation, and couldn't outright accept without risking him shoving everything under the rug. 

Zavien walked to stand next to her as she wrote, hands braced against the table like he was overlooking a battle rather than listening to her recite a letter. There was a tension in his spine, a seriousness in the set of his face as he considered the words she spoke. "Maybe switch it so you mention making amends before asking them to join us for dinner? I don't want him to think that part's an option."

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

Your past and mine are parallel lines

A small part of her rebelled at the thought of changing the letter, even though she knew Zavien was right. The way she'd written it, it did feel like Kaisel making amends was an afterthought, like it was something that he could treat as optional. So she crossed that part out, re-writing it to make it clear that making amends was the important part of the statement, then read it aloud once more: "If you plan on making amends, Zavien and I would like to suggest dinner in King's End. There's a steakhouse here that we'd love to show you guys." Surely that wasn't so bad, right?

Heart pounding in her chest, anxiety already whispering in the back of her mind, she bit the inside of her cheek as she considered. She didn't want any part of this - not for herself, and certainly not for Zavien, but... there didn't seem to be any way around it.

She wished she could talk with Flora, explain why they didn't want to be around Kaisel without either making her best friend defensive of her husband or hurting her feelings. She wanted to discuss her upcoming move, her pregnancy, all of the updates that she had about life without the shadow of Kaisel's words hanging over her. But even if she wrote to Flora now, would her best friend make it to King's End before this doomed double date?

"I hate this," she confided quietly, her gaze lifting from the parchment to Zavien. "I wish things with Kaisel were different." She'd never regret the choices she'd made that had led her to this moment, but she did lament the loss of a friend, if that was indeed what Kaisel had been to her. "But even if he tries to make amends... I don't think I can trust him anymore." And yet, her life would remain intricately tied with his because of her friendship with Flora. There was no way around interacting with him, so maybe it was best to try and move forward in a way that would at least not result in open hostility.

Stars all aligned and they intertwined

Zavien

The pen scratched against paper as she wrote it out again then repeated what she'd written aloud. Zavien gave a decisive nod of his head. "I think that sounds best." He'd obviously take Soh's opinion into consideration if she felt further edits were necessary, but he wasn't sure there was a way to say, 'Prove you're not a dick and we'll share food with you.'

When she looked at him, he saw a reflection of the frustrations he felt, the doubt and unease surrounding the precipice they stood on. This would determine whether they even gave Kai a chance, would set the tone of future interactions, and ultimately, could define Soh's relationship with Flora. Zavien knew this wouldn't be easy for her and knew that there was much more at stake for her than him. 

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, drawing her close as he looked down at the letter. "Me too." Nothing about this gave him joy, and he hated how things had transpired between him and Kai, but - Zavien shook his head. "Even if he sounds sincere, it'll take time for us to believe anything he says. But at least we might not have to make it a big deal anymore. He'll know what we are and aren't willing to put up with." And maybe they could get on with their lives in peace.

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

Your past and mine are parallel lines

Lips pressed into a grim line, Soh nodded. Tearing off the parchment where she'd crossed out words, she rewrote the message cleanly on a new sheet and folded it, tucking it into her pocket. "I'll send it later," she promised. It was a necessary evil, she knew, but then why did she feel so conflicted about it? What was wrong with her that she felt so uneasy, like she was doing something wrong by standing her ground on something that she believed in with her whole heart?

Shaking off the sensation, she leaned her head against Zavien's shoulder. Thoughts of what could go wrong danced through her head, drawing frustrated tears to her eyes. That she was nearly crying over all this only served to make her more frustrated, and she huffed a sound that might have been a sigh. This would be worth it, she thought, worth the pain and discomfort as long as it protected those she loved, as long as it kept her family safe from further harm at Kaisel's hands.

"Well," she said after a moment, forcing herself to swallow back tears (she would not cry). "Now that that's settled... I think I'm done eating for now." Her stomach was twisted into knots, roiling angrily with all the food she'd already eaten. "We could clean up, and then cuddle up on the couch - er, well, in the pillow-nest-blanket-fort-thing?" She eyed her creation across the room, something amused flickering in her expression. "I know this has kind of... cast a shadow, but we still have a lot to celebrate."

Stars all aligned and they intertwined

Zavien

Content to let Soh handle the sending of the letter, Zavien did his best to be a stable support. He hated that he could feel her tremble in his arms, hated that all of this was causing her such distress, that it was overshadowing the bit of happiness they'd been trying to latch onto. He just prayed it would all be over soon, that they'd manage to move past this someday. 

Hearing the strain in her voice, he tightened his hold on Soh, turning her away from the half-eaten food that sat like a mockery of their joy, forever doomed to be interrupted. Instead, he looked to the structure she'd built, a safe haven where they could find comfort in each other and the soft cushions. What had started as a celebration had certainly turned to a hard conversation, an irony he didn't miss. "I'm glad you had the foresight to set all this up."

Zavien steered her towards it, ignoring her suggestion that they do anything other than settle into each other's arms. "Come on. I can clean up later. Let's just take some time to enjoy this pillow-nest-blanket-fort-thing." But as they curled up besides each other in the quieting of the evening, he quickly forgot about the food, embracing Soh and the baby she carries while trying not to worry about what future they were walking into. 

[FIN]

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.