Ronin

Ronin,

(The colour of the ink changes slightly as if the words next written were done so at a different time. As if just putting thoughts into scratches on a page took considerable effort)

I know I am not the easiest man to understand these days. What I have become might well be monstrous, as you said. But I always thought in the end, you would be there for me. Right or wrong, I thought you would always be by my side. I see now that even you have your limits, (tear marks stain the page, and appear hastily wiped away), and I'm sorry for pushing you to them.

I can't (the pause is almost tangible here. the eyes that just stared down at the page for hours, before continuing) do this. I don't know when I stopped being your best friend, or you mine, but...I never thought I'd have to compete for your loyalty. (more tears stain the page, though these ones aren't wiped away.) It will only ever be you, for me. I don't know when we got to this place, but now that we are...I don't know how to get back. I never expected this from you. I always thought I had you, no matter how monstrous or violent I had become. And now that I know I don't...I think I need to learn how to ground myself, if I can't count on you. Maybe it was never fair to think I could.

I love you. Always. (every letter is written slowly. deligently. perfectly.)
Remi

Remi,

[say](The usually elegant writing of a former baron is shaky at best, though from booze or emotion is unclear.)[/say]

There are no number of apologies I could give that would be enough for the things I said. I don't understand how we got here. I don't understand why it isn't something we can work through. I don't [say](there are a few things started and scratched out, things like 'know if I can' and 'want to lose' and 'want anyone else but')[/say] understand.

I am always on your side. Sometimes that means telling you when you're being an asshole. Sometimes loving you means telling you that you're unreasonable. Sometimes being your best friend means being the bad guy.

We've been through death, separation, gods, grief. I can't fathom how this is the thing that does it for us. And I can't find you to ask you why. But if counting on me means that I'm expected not to question it when you shut yourself off from what makes you human... then no. You can't count on me. And you do need to learn how to ground yourself.

I love you. I'll always love you. But accepting you for all that you are - and I do, and I always have and I always will - is not the same as agreeing with some of the choices that you make.

Please come home.

Yours. Always.
Ronin

There aren't enough apologies, no. Because it's the things you did, not the things you said. You asked me if I was alright, outside Sunjata's house. I said I wasn't. But where I was simply expected to manage, you went back to Sunjata to make things okay for him. Again. Just like you did after it all happened. Him, but not me.

I said I would face Sunjata, not that I would apologize. Is your devotion to him really so great and your trust in me so small, that you couldn't let us work things out? That you would come to his defence, and not mine; that you would demand of me more understanding, but not him?

You were there, in the room. You let it all happen. You had nothing to say to me outside. Nothing to say to me before speaking with Sunjata. You didn't question me, Ronin. You didn't disagree with my choices. Not in a way that made it seem like your concern was anything other than making sure that Sunjata was the one who was okay, who was understood. When I didn't do what you asked, when I wasn't the person you wanted me to be, you walked away from me.

I haven't had a home to come back to for a long, long time now. Not since we left Torchline.

Are you saying that I was expected to make sure you were alright first after you had a man strip naked and then cut his throat? After I watched you do it? [say](There's a lot more that has been written after this, but it has been hastily scrapped in lieu of keeping things to the point. But the tone of disbelief, of outrage, could not be more clear.)[/say]

I asked you to bridge a gap. To understand in a way that only you could, with the abilities you have. I just asked you to take Sunjata's hand - and you refused.

Where has all of this come from, Remi? Has something happened in the times when I wasn't there that has made me seem like such a traitor to you? I walked away from you because you weren't willing to listen. I walked away because when I was beside you, you didn't want to know.

I suppose, then, that we are both homeless men after this.

Perhaps not the first time. But after, outside? Yes. Before talking to Sunjata? Yes. In the room with him? Yes.

Yes, you asked me. And not him. You asked me to understand how he was feeling. You didn't try, and you didn't ask him to.

I see you'll take any side in this so long as it isn't mine. I wasn't aware the price of your loyalty was always being in a position to listen to you. To do as you said. I don't expect you to always agree with me, Ronin. But I do expect you to always be by my side. But even now it's clear there are times you think I don't deserve that.

[say](There's writing scribbled out, something about Stormbreak and the words a life, but it's been so darkly blocked out so as to nearly tear the page)[/say]

I was locked in a dream that you left me in - I couldn't have followed you even if I had wanted to. And I did want to, Remi. I wanted to follow you then and I want to follow you now - that's all.

There's no price. I'm not writing to you to argue with you - I want to figure this out, and I'm sorry if this isn't coming across in the best way. If I messed up then I want to learn how to do better, and if you needed more from me than I've given then I'll spend the next however long learning what that is, and making sure you get it.

It's you for me. You know that. Please, don't do this.

I'll be in Torchline until LongNight is over. Until someone from Stormbreak comes to find me, probably. I can't find you right now, but I wish that I could.

Yours,
Ronin

Perhaps there should be a price. At least then I would know if I've given enough to have you in my corner. And I'd know when I fall short to expect you not to be there.

You didn't mess up, Ronin. You made a choice. A choice you've now defended over and over.

Let me know if you're okay to keep Mateo, or if he should come back to the Greatwood.

I'd like it if Mateo could stay with me, please.

---

There are no further letters from Ronin after this point.