Deleted. What a word. But he couldn't argue with it; Sam knew the Voice as well and was sure she would have viewed his romantic memories as something in inefficient, useless. She did not seem the kind to store them away anywhere precious....still he held a small scrap of hope that there might be some way to capture them again. Perhaps using another Gods powers..it was a lot of hypotheticals he didn't have time for right now, but he did not let go of the idea just yet.
"No, no! I mean friends. Don't...don't worry." He had, for a moment, been about to suggest a purely physical arrangement. But he knew himself well enough to know he would not be able to seperate touch from feeling, would quickly fall into something that would pull them both further down into chaos.
Sam was quiet for a moment, chewing at his lip. Looking at the fire he recalled something he had practiced saying to Remi a few times when he was by himself, something he felt he needed to say. "There...is something I would like to say to you. And it's not...meant to be an excuse, or to make you feel guilty. I just want to explain and...I suppose just...tell anyone about this."
"When I...was young. My father.." He looked up to the portrait above the fireplace, the pale face of the man with a hand clutched on the children's shoulders. "He would always have a problem with something I did. No matter what it was. Sometimes I would wake up to him hitting me and he wouldn't tell me why. I could not do anything to please him. I was often left outside for nights, or left without food, or..." He hugged himself and shook his head.
"My mother didn't help either, and Evie was always heaped with praise. I tried to kill myself once by running into the barrier. But I got scared, just before I got to it. I stayed out in the Outskirts all night and...when I came back, no one had notice I was gone." Sam laughed, the sound sharp and not at all funny, tears making his cheeks shine.
"The reason I'm telling you this is...I think...I wasn't...ready for any of this. I'm not ready for a lot of things. I'm still...doing a lot of growing up most people did before. Because I...I spent my childhood running and hiding, not learning." This was more than he'd ever told anyone about his past, and perhaps it was awkward to tell Remi, whom in their memories he did not know all that well. But he felt a need to justify himself (though he knew it was impossible), lay himself out for Remi to see and know and maybe understand that well..it wasn't him. It was Sam and his dysfunction.
"Throughout all of my diaries, I never believed I was good enough for you. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you know that phrase. I just...I think...I clearly handled it poorly. But I could not bear to let you deal with my horrible, worthless--" Sam spit out the word as if bitterly yelling at himself. "...Parts of me. I don't know if all of that...helps you to know. But it's...it's what I felt I should tell you. No one else knows the details, so...please don't tell anyone."
Samuel
I tried to dance with the devil on your back
